Major Revelation

When he was Britain’s Prime Minister everyone thought John Major was dull. He looked dull – sensible glasses, grey hair, grey suit. And he spoke in such a dull drone that audiences had to pinch themselves just to keep awake. His favourite vegetable was …. wait for it …..frozen peas. Yes he was even a dull diner. I suppose the least dull thing he did was to take Britain into the first Persian Gulf war, backing up George Bush senior. But when Mr Major climbed aboard a British tank for the publicity shots he looked ridiculous. Dull men are not action men.

If you’d done a survey of London women asking if they thought John Major was sexy, you could have heard the laughter all the way to Louisiana. Which is why Britain is now completely gob-smacked by the sensational news that John Major had a wild and steamy affair with a raven-haired female parliamentarian for four years. OK it happened a fair while back, and he dropped her like a stone when promotion came his way, but the very idea of John Major unzipping his pants in passion is a crazy contradiction. This has all emerged in a book, written by the very lady he loved and dropped. Her own political career has petered out. She probably needs the cash. She won’t be short of it now. Because everyone over here is suddenly having to reassess Mr. Major. He had us fooled.

He was Mr. nice-guy, with the nice wife. His Ministers got up to all sorts of extra-marital hanky panky, but dear old dull John Major ….not him. Little did we know.

And little did we realise looking back at his dull dithering and indecisive term in office that he probably couldn’t make decisions because he was scared gutless every single day in case it all came out. He once sued a magazine that hinted he’d had an affair with a cook. He won. And he and the cook got big damages. But even this legal action may have been a deliberate ploy to draw attention away from the real source of his guilt.

So the grey man is beginning to look like a devious devil with women now. Maybe he wasn’t so dull after all. Monica, you don’t know what you missed.
  • Bob Bicknell

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