Letters To Andy Rooney

The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by correspondent Andy Rooney.

It's nice, but it's a pain in the neck, too. I know it's here today and gone tomorrow. People ask me if I'm Morey Schaeffer.

One of the things that's both good and bad is the mail I get.

Here's an old letter I've kept to read when I get thinking things are going good. It's from Col. Ralph DiLullo.

Andy Rooney: You are a vicious, malignant dwarf! Today you're an ugly little toad - A Liberal, Commie, Pinko Weasel. Go to hell.

Well, thanks, colonel. Sorry I never got to serve under you in the Marines.

Here's one addressed to me from Bill McDonald in Tacoma, Wash.

Dear Mr. Rather. I am requesting an autographed photo of yourself as I am a big fan of yours.

My question is this, Bill. Are you a big fan of mine or of Dan Rather? And if it's me, did you write Dan asking him for my autograph?

The money rolls in. Here's a check from First Clearing in Glen Allen, Va. It has a 37-cent stamp on the envelope and the check is made out to me for 22 cents.

Would you want to do business with a company that spends 37 cents to send out a check for 22 cents?

I got a nice letter from Robert Schuller of the Crystal Cathedral in California. He invited me to come out there and speak. I told him I didn't think his congregation would want to hear what I have to say about religion so he wrote another good letter.

Dear Andy, like it or not, I'm in the "giving a blessing to people" business. So here goes: "Dear God, thank you for believing in Andy Rooney - even if he doesn't believe in you."

Here's an old letter from Hugh Downs. He said he was going "to create a book" called "My America. What My Country Means To Me."

He was asking well-known people to send him their thoughts on that. I always liked Hugh Downs, but what my country means to me is this, Hugh: You write your book and I'll write mine.

Someone sent me this $2 bill to sign. I don't do autographs, so I just kept it. Is that stealing?

New York magazine wants me to fill out this form – about 100 questions. Here's one: Have you done any home improvements in the past 12 months?
Well, yes, actually I have. About a month ago, I changed the light bulb in the bathroom.

I like New York magazine, but anyone who has the time to fill this out would be too dumb to read it.

Just some of the mail I get and remember: you heard them here first from Morey Schaeffer.
By Andy Rooney