Contortionists Only Need Apply

This article was written by CBS News Correspondent Allen Pizzey.

Somewhere, lurking in the darkened, ozone-infested bowels of a mega-corporation, a desperate collection of evil geniuses are engaged in making the most obvious mistakes in the world seem so natural and part of life that mere mortals will pay good money to be afflicted by them.

Hotels and personal computers — especially computers — are the proof.

For example, the PC on which I am writing this was sold as "state of the art," and is replete with features that, were they not diabolical, would be sheer silliness. The infrared port has cunningly been placed on the front. This means you need arms like a chimpanzee to type once you've hooked up online with your cell phone. The laboratory in-joke probably runs along the lines of "give enough humans a front port and time online and they'll write e-mails that look like the Bible typed by a monkey."

And then there's the mouse. Given that the device is designed to be used right-handed, who decided it was logical to put the USB port on the left side? I'll tell you who: a bunch of guys who are even now chortling "give a non-nerd enough mouse cable and he'll hang his computer."

And in case that didn't work, they compounded the inconvenience by putting the exhaust port for the processor fan directly in front of where most people put their mouse pad. "If you can't stand the heat stay out of the word processor."
The designers probably went to the same school as the architects who design, but obviously never use, hotel bathrooms. Who else would place the toilet paper holder in such a position that you either have to be a contortionist to reach behind you to get it, or lean so far forward that ... well, never mind the details. And in the rare cases where they made a mistake and put it in a place that can be easily reached, it's under a towel rack so that your hands drip on it.

But of course to actually use the bathroom you first have to get into your room. For "security reasons" virtually all major hotels use those little one-off plastic cards that fit into a slot, providing of course you can find the thing among whatever else you might have in your pocket. And if it doesn't disappear there, just toss it on the desk with your change. It will be swallowed up by the array of glossy pamphlets of interest only for their strangled syntax and veritable gush of adjectives for everything from advertisements for the business center, restaurants you will never use, the history of the hotel, a "personal" form letter from a manager you'll never find telling you how deeply the entire staff cares for and values your very existence, and a sheet of 50 questions labeled "How Did We Do to Serve You?"

Unfortunately there is never a space to simply tick "Better You Shouldn't Ask."

Allen Pizzey has been a CBS News Correspondent based in Rome since l989.