A treadmill, dumb bells, work out tapes
A gym membership and Quaker rice cakes
If you don't' wanna make a Valentine's mistake
Then stop dropping hints about a growing waist
If your girlfriend's pants are bursting at the seams
And you wanna give a boost to her self-esteem
Because fitting clothes from high school is a far off dream
Then buy her a pair of Pajama Jeans.
If you're having trouble finding the right words to say
"I wanna take a break" or "I might be gay"
If you wanna break the news a more subtle way
Bittersweet Candy Hearts can save the day.
If your husband's equipment isn't working right
And you're yearning for a little afternoon delight
But every time you bring it up, it starts a fight
Some Viagra in his vodka helps you reunite.
If..on the road of love, you've hit a bump
And you find your relationship is in a slump
If you need a new way to get over that hump.
Maybe you should sit together while you take a dump
If you're trying to think of ways to show how much you care
Tell her that you love her, you'll always be there
Unless you're girlfriend's 12-years-old, buyer beware
There's nothing more disturbing than a teddy bear
Forget about jewelry or new golf clubs
Forget chocolates or custom coffee mugs
For the Valentine's Day that you've been dreaming of
Like John Lennon said, "All You Need is Love!"