Thank you, righteous soldiers, for coming. I hate to start off our last meeting on a downer, but I was watching Fox News the other day and I saw Dick Cheney talking about our efforts to use violence to sway the U.S. election. If I find out that anyone tipped him off to our plans, heads are going to roll. Literally.
Moving on, I'm sure you've seen John Kerry is once again trying to blow this thing for us. Frankly, we never should've endorsed him in 2004 — he was Zarqawi's guy. I would have gone with the screamer, but as they say, "hindsight's 50/50." What's that? Yes, I know it's supposed to be "20/20." I was being ironic. Just because we're in a religious-ideological struggle to take over the world doesn't mean we can't have a sense of humor.
We need to churn out some Kerry damage control, pronto. Our exit polls tell us it's not as bad as it looks. I'm thinking a couple IEDs should do the trick. If it comes back for another news cycle, we can consider lobbing some shells into the Green Zone or a mosque bombing.
My operatives on the ground tell me we, I mean the Democrats (let's not forget, they're infidels, too), will take the House. But you can count on Karl Rove to play his trump card late, so let's be vigilant. We're getting safer, but we're not yet safe.
In the Senate we have problems. Zogby and common sense tell me Harold Ford is in trouble in Tennessee. The good news is Arizona may be coming into play. Who do we have working on sabotaging the Kyl campaign? Nobody? Are you kidding me!? Come on guys, we need to step it up. How do you expect to foment an entire civil war if you can't even manipulate a few congressional races? Hey, you in the front row with the beard. Not you, the guy next to you. You're now the point person for the Arizona Senate race. If you do this right, I'll bump you to No. 1 on the martyr list, so don't screw it up.
If the GOP starts to gain ground in the House, then we go to our final option. I hold in my hand a copy of a salacious and, might I add, very poetic e-mail exchange between our supreme leader and Miss Jenna Bush. What's that? No, it's not real. Do you really think Osama has an AOL account?
Funny story, Zawahiri was telling me he was cracking up watching Osama dot all the 'i's with little hearts. I was sworn to secrecy, so that little anecdote doesn't leave this room. I'd like to keep my internal organs on the inside of my body, thank you very much.
To wrap things up, I know everyone is tired — but you can rest Wednesday morning after, Allah willing, we send victory fruit baskets to Nancy Pelosi and Teddy Kennedy. If we can pull this off, we may just be able to bring the well-oiled machine of governance in Washington to a grinding halt. Remember, we need to attack them over there so we don't have to fight them here in our adopted home. And by the way, there are coffee and pastries in the back. Please, just one per warrior.
By Mike Wuebben