Last Updated Jul 1, 2011 7:24 PM EDT
Dear Mr./Ms. Last Name:
I am writing to apply for the position of Master Of The Universe at Goldman Sachs as advertised in The Bilderberg Group Daily News. I believe my experience in experimenting on the economy playing with other people's money makes me an excellent candidate for this position. As requested, I am enclosing a completed job application, my certification, my resume and three references. (Please call Dr. Kissinger first. He's not getting any younger.)
I have extensive experience working for with the rich and powerful. My most recent job was as secretary of the U.S. Treasury (a situation which put a premium on diversity awareness). Even before I took the job I was the center of attention in Washington. And despite not paying any income taxes for four years, my nomination was opposed by only a third of the Senate. As Treasury Secretary, I ended all those fluctuations in the unemployment rate and kept it at a nice steady level. Despite the job's title, I did NOT answer phones or any filing. Although I can do both while typing 120 wpm. With one hand.
Among my many other accomplishments: Helping a large number of financial institutions avoid the consequences of their actions. As many of the very large number of our mutual friends (hint, hint) will tell you, the quid pro quo on this -- cutting executive salaries and perks while limiting dividends and corporate acquisitions -- was strictly window dressing. Remember the bonuses AIG paid to executives in its Financial Services division after receiving $170 billion in bailout?
Prior to my current position I served as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. It was in that job, when I got Bear Stearns a $30 billion bailout, that I discovered my true vocation: Giving large amounts of other people's money to down-on-their-luck wealthy institutions. This was very important to help the economy, no matter what Paul Krugman says. I mean really, what's he ever done?
In closing I would just like to say how much I respect and admire your CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, whom everyone agrees is very spry for a man of his age.
Very Sincerely Yours,
P.S.: Don't believe what you read in the press about me: I still want the job. Actually, just don't believe anything about me you read in the press. Call me!