How To Win The Lottery

I'm going to win the next California lottery.

Lotteries have been all over the news this week. An Ohio woman claimed she lost a lottery ticket worth $162 million when she dropped her purse. And after weeks of having no winner here in California, a player finally won $88 million this past weekend. Day after day, Californians had been standing in lines, nervously waiting to buy their tickets as the jackpot increased. And everyone who bought a ticket seemed to have a system. Either they had lucky numbers, lucky socks, or a lucky street they had to take to their lucky lottery seller. Those kinds of superstitions seemed so silly to me that I decided that I'm going to win the next California lottery. And I'm going to do it based on science and logic, not superstition.

I'm not superstitious. I'll walk under a ladder, black cats don't bother me, and if I say, "I haven't had a cold lately," I don't think I'm going to get sick tomorrow. But I do believe in luck and karma. If my team is winning while I'm watching a game on TV, and then my wife walks in and the other team scores, I know it's her fault. (In case you're not aware of this, she was responsible for Dr. J and the 76ers losing the NBA Championship to the Portland Trailblazers in 1977.) But as I said, I'm not superstitious. I'm merely aware that irrational forces often forge our destiny.

I've never bought a lottery ticket before. I didn't want to throw my money away on something that was less likely than being struck by lightning while running into a long-lost identical cousin. But then I decided to buy a ticket so I could prove that you can win if you just go about it in an intelligent manner.

I have some friends who just play the lottery when the jackpot gets "big enough." If it's "only," say, $10 million, they don't bother. If it's $30 or $40 million, they're in. I wasn't going to make that mistake. I would plunk down my dollar and be happy with however many millions I won. And I think gambling karma will reward me for my lack of greed.

Many lottery winners immediately quit their jobs, move to a mansion, and get a bunch of fancy friends. I don't plan on doing any of those things. Next week, I'll be here, writing about what it feels like to win the lottery. I might get a new shirt or two, but I'm going to give a generous portion of the money to noble causes. This humble attitude is another reason that I'm going to win.

I bought the ticket on Monday. I knew from watching the news that winners usually buy their tickets at small liquor stores in unfortunate neighborhoods. You aren't going to buy a winning lottery ticket in a Beverly Hills boutique frequented by people named Tiffany and Lance. Again, logic, not superstition.

So I got into my car to look for the ideal lottery vendor. After awhile, I found it. "Ed's Liquors" is directly across the street from an alcoholism recovery place called the "Sober Inn." What could be a more perfect location for buying a lottery ticket? There I was at the intersection of Temptation Boulevard and Strength of Spirit Avenue. Obviously, reason and science had sent me to the right place.

I gave the guy my dollar, and bought a ticket. I told him that when I won, I'd like my millions in a lump sum rather than installments, and he smiled and nodded his approval. When I looked at the ticket, I saw that one of the numbers was 17. My birthday number! Could this thing be going any smoother if it were rigged?

The ultimate reason I know I'm going to win is that I'm writing this column about it. Why would the forces that govern these things let me lose when winning would make a much better ending? It just wouldn't be logical.

By Lloyd Garver