E-Mail Etiquette: The Do's and Don'ts

The "e" in e-mail might as well stand for "essential." Most of us have become hopelessly dependent on the immediacy of communicating with e-mail. Whether it's at a cafe or on a construction site, it's always there, calling us.

According to a recent survey, nearly three-quarters of people say they love their e-mail so much, they'd rather give up chocolate (54%) or coffee (50%) or TV (41%).

But while we might all agree e-mail can be great, we are most definitely not all great e-mailers ...

For some there is the problem of mistakes in sending. When typing in one woman's address it brings up another woman with a similar name — sticky if the e-mail is compromising for one or the other … or both.

Then there is the technology hurdle: Text messaging and e-mail may work for exchanging information, but all that thumb action can get in the way of personal interactions — save that for the phone, or in person.

And then there is the problem of being, perhaps, too polite. Someone writes, 'Thank you," and you write back, 'You're welcome.' They write back again, 'Not at all.' How long does this goes on? You've got to stop it someplace, so how do you do it without being rude?

Enter Will Schwalbe, editor-in-chief of Hyperion Books, and David Shipley, deputy editor of The New York Times' editorial page. They've recently been dispending advice about the do's and don'ts of e-mail around the country.

"In a perfect world, we would have time to compose really eloquent messages where the excitement was contained in the language," Schwalbe told an audience. "That's not our world."

Their new book, "Send: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home," offers some common sense tips, but Schwalbe says even those who consider themselves expert e-mailers might benefit.

"When people come up to get a copy of the book, the first thing they always say is they're not buying it for themselves," Schwalbe told CBS Sunday Morning correspondent Daniel Sieberg. "It's like, 'Oh, I have to buy this for my son or my daughter.' Or a lot of people say, 'I have to buy this for my boss.' But then we've been hearing by e-mail from people afterwards who said, like, "I bought it for my boss and then I read it and I realized I have a lot of room to improve."

The problem is that most people aren't aware of their e-mail idiosyncrasies, including me. Most people consider themselves to be masterful messengers. In short, we could all use a lesson. So I decided to send them an e-mail.

David Shipley analyzed my message:

"So the subject line is 'Moving forward,' which has a positive cast to it," Shipley said. "But it seems to me that maybe it could have been slightly more specific."

"If you take a second or two to be precise with what you're e-mailing about, you'll find that most people will be more precise when they respond to you. And then you'll spend a lot less time going back and forth on e-mail," he added.

Good advice. So I wrote him another e-mail ...

"This is getting a little complicated," Shipley said, as his in-box received yet more queries from me. "It's getting to the point where maybe we should be moving to a phone call."

Schwalbe writes, "And as for moving from digital to face-to-face, anytime it gets emotional or confusing or overly complicated or the e-mails start piling up, then it's time to get off e-mail."

AMEN.

Clearly there are limitations when it comes to e-mail exchanges, and I think this correspondence might be better in person at this point, so let's get out from behind the keystrokes.

Apparently the first lesson of e-mail etiquette is, knowing when to e-mail in the first place!

"What we discovered, which is so great, is that if you send better e-mails, not only do you get better e-mails but you get fewer e-mails," said Schwalbe. "But we've also become fans, too, of when to get off e-mail."

Both Schwalbe and Shipley say e-mail is still relatively young as a means of communication, which means we're all still working out the kinks. When the telegraph or telephone first came out, they were misused, too. You shouldn't be afraid of e-mail, the authors say: You just need to tame it by avoiding what they call the deadly sins…such as:

1. The e-mail that's unbelievably vague ("REMEMBER TO DO THAT THING!").

2. The e-mail that's cowardly ("HERE'S THE THING: YOU'RE FIRED.")

3. The e-mail that won't go away ("FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: THAT THING")

The main point being: THINK BEFORE YOU SEND.

What about colorful fonts? "Not okay."

Exclamation marks? "If you're being even the slightest bit angry, sarcastic or insulting, which we don't suggest anyways, exclamation points make it horrible," said Schwalbe. "But if it's casual, if it's to a friend, three, four, five, six, seven, you know, it's fun. Why not? But, certainly in a formal situation you want to limit."

What about emoticons? Little happy faces? People get pretty clever with some of this stuff.

"Will and I sort of started out this project and correct me if I'm wrong, we had the feeling that emoticons are really best left at an earlier stage of emotional development," said Shipley. "You know, somewhere around middle school. And we were just looking at them, and we became increasingly amused and happy and drawn to them. And then we thought, "Okay, well, this here is legitimate to insert tone in an e-mail."

According to the authors, that intended tone can easily be misconstrued in e-mail; that's also when proper punctuation and grammar come in handy. For example: "No. Thanks to you!!" as opposed to: "No thanks to you!!" You do have to be careful when writing emotional e-mails, though on the positive side, 15 percent of Americans know someone who has e-mail to thank for a long-term relationship or marriage.

Would either of the authors encourage the use of e-mail for a romance?

"Absolutely, in a limited way," said Shipley. "E-mail is a terrific icebreaker. And you know, the protection that a computer offers can sometimes promote cowardice. But it can also give you sort of the necessary romantic cover to begin to bear your soul to someone."

TV reporter Shanon Cook had her life altered through e-mail — it's how she met her future husband.

"When I received an e-mail from him, the first thing I thought was, 'how lame,'" Cook said. "This guy works fifty feet from my desk and he's e-mailing me?"

Her now-husband Daniel asked, "Looking back now, would you say I was more of a coward or a poet?"

"I would say you were more of a cowardly poet!" she replied.

See? I did say that e-mail can be great ... Sometimes an e-mail don't can turn into an I do.