Don't Stop Believin', Hillary

Run, Hillary, run.

Run in Guam, run in North Carolina, run in Indiana. Run in each and every one of the nine contests that are left.  

Then make some states do their contests over.

Should Barack Obama’s victory in Vermont really count? I don’t think Vermont is actually a state. I think it is technically a socialist republic. Have somebody check this out.

And Obama’s victory in Alaska? Are you kidding me? They let caribou vote in Alaska.

And do some other stuff that levels the playing field: Raise the voting age to 65 in all the remaining contests, for instance.

You do great with this group, Sen. Clinton. Younger people don’t really care about who becomes president anyway. All they want to do is go on this World Wide Interweb thing that they keep talking about.
And while you are at it, Senator, cap all salaries at $50,000 a year, take away all college degrees and give everybody a gun. The demographics are clear: That is your base vote.

Also, no men get to vote unless they have a note from a woman saying they are mentally competent. (Good luck with that!)

And, Sen. Clinton, keep portraying yourself as a sympathetic underdog. That works much better than when you were the inevitable overlord.

In Haverford, Pa., last Thursday, you told the crowd: “Just knock on the door and say, ‘You know, she’s really nice.’ Or you could say it another way: ‘She’s not as bad as you think.’”

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It is a theme that worked in Pennsylvania and will work elsewhere. I can see the billboards now: “Hillary Clinton. Not as Bad as You Think.”

But do not give up the kitchen sink stuff, Senator. Make it a Good Hillary/Bad Hillary kind of campaign.

Good Hillary talks about the dreamy, gooey, feel-good stuff, like when, in your victory speech from Philadelphia Tuesday night, you said: “We are, in many ways, all on this journey together to create an America that embraces every last one of us. ... I believe with all of my heart that together we will turn promises into action, words will become solutions, hope will become reality.”

But Bad Hillary can’t go away. You have to have the Hillary who says Obama is “elitist” and “demeaning,” and you have to keep running ads that portray him as the guy who won’t be able to protect us from the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor, long lines at the gas pump, Osama bin Laden or ringing telephones.

And speaking of Osama bin Laden, isn’t he a Muslim? And didn’t Bad Hillary say Obama was not a Muslim “as far as I know”? Keep up that subtle stuff. It is gold.

And then, of course, bribe the superdelegates. These are the 794 party insiders who have one standard for all their decisions in life: “What’s in it for me?”

So offer them something. You know how many interstate rest stops there are? They have to be named for somebody. And promise the holdouts that they will be appointed ambassador to Bermuda. It doesn’t matter that they all can’t be ambassador to Bermuda, because we don’t have an ambassador to Bermuda. (Say it was Bill’s idea.)

And even if you can’t get ahead in the delegate count, don’t stop running!

Go to the convention in Denver and chain yourself to the front door of the Pepsi Center and refuse to leave unless every resident of Florida and Michigan — not just the rogue delegates but all 26 million residents! — is seated inside and gets to cast a ballot for you.

What’s the worst that could happen? Howard Dean comes out and bites you on the ankle? Forget about it. I could carve a tougher guy out of tofu.

But most of all, Sen. Clinton, never give up, never surrender.

And reember: There’s always 2012.