Andy Is Stumped By The Headlines

Andy Rooney Tries To Decipher Financial Headlines

The following is a weekly 60 Minutes commentary by CBS News correspondent Andy Rooney.



I know it's not true, but sometimes I get thinking everyone is smarter than I am. We all think that once in a while but you can't dismiss the idea completely because sometimes it's true.

I read several newspapers every morning and the editors assume I understand everything in those newspapers. Well I don't understand everything in the newspaper and I wish they'd stop assuming that I do.

A lot of what I don't understand is about money and the bailout plan. Look at this headline: BANK BAILOUT PLAN REVAMPED

I don't know what "vamped" means so how could I understand what "revamped" is? How do you "vamp" a bailout plan anyway?

Here's another headline: U.S BANK BAILOUT TO RELY IN PART ON PRIVATE MONEY

Here's a headline that catches your eye - both eyes: 'VULTURE' INVESTORS EYE BAD ASSETS BUT WARILY

Am I the only one who doesn't know what they're talking about?

I get The Wall Street Journal in my office every day but don't ask me what half of it means.

HOUSING INDEX RISES 6.3% BUT RECOVERY STILL ELUSIVE

BHP EARNINGS DECLINE 57% AS PRICES, DEMAND SLUMP

YUM PROFIT FALLS 12%

Does everyone know what a "YUM PROFIT" is?

A man I don't know anything about, Tim Geithner, was just appointed Secretary of the Treasury. I was impressed with him because of the speech he made...he used so much language I didn't understand. That always impresses me. Here are some of the phrases Mr. Geithner used that I didn't get:

"Financial stability trust," "legacy loans and assets," "Bridge to private capital," "secondary lending markets."

Am I the only one who doesn't know what a "secondary lending market" is?

GEITHNER: Chairman Chris Dodd in the Senate, Chairman Barney Frank in the House, and their colleagues on both sides of the aisle.

I think Mr. Geithner should dumb it down when he's talking to the rest of us.

Sometimes I wish I'd decided to be a banker instead of a writer, but not very often.



Written by Andy Rooney
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