Ahem

May I have your attention, please? Just a moment of your time. Thank you.

It's an honor and a privilege to have you all here in our living room. But Doris is so upset, she won't come out of the bathroom, and Earl had to go for a walk around the block to cool down.

They've asked me to remind you of a few things.

First, if you haven't already, please wander over and peruse the Rules of Engagement.

Second, a few matters of etiquette. Please keep your feet off the furniture. Don't spit tobacco on the rug. And no swearing. There's no telling when small children or my grandmother might wander by.

And let's remember what we're doing. We're here to chat about the news – both the Evening kind, and the general kind. That is, the broadcast with Katie Couric, and the events that affect our lives. We didn't invite you here to complain about the clothes we're wearing, our makeup, or our hair. (Although I could say a few things about some of you people sitting in the back – and please, for heaven's sake, GET YOUR FEET OFF THE COFFEE TABLE! Doris spent all day dusting!)

Thank you.

And please: behave. I don't want to have to mention this again.