David Sedaris demands the right to fire others

During this difﬁcult time when so many Americas are looking for work, I'd like introduce an idea for something I'm calling the "citizen's dismissal."

It's like a citizen's arrest, but instead of detaining someone, you get to ﬁre them!

Take this lifeguard at a WMCA I went to: I bought a guest pass so that I could swim laps, and ten minutes after I'd started, the young woman blew her whistle, calling, "You all have to leave now!"

"How come?" I asked.

"I have to go to my parent's house," she said.

I thought I hadn't heard her correctly. "I'm going there to do some laundry," she told me. "And then I'm going home."

"Oh, you're going home, all right," I wanted to say. "Because you are ﬁred!"

Little, Brown

I'd have liked to do the same to a salesperson who worked at a store where my sister and I bought a number of very expensive cups and saucers. The woman rang them up, and after I paid she stood there, blinking. "I'm afraid I haven't got anything to put them in," she said. "No bubble wrap or bags."

"So, we should, what? Just carry the cups and saucers in our hands?" my sister asked.

"Well, they're yours," the woman said. "You bought them."

"Do you have a purse?" I wanted to ask. "If so, you need to get it and go home. My sister and I are ﬁring you!"

I'm not suggesting that we go crazy with this. We all have our off days. Certain people, though, could easily be replaced by go-getters who'd say, "I've got an idea! Let's wrap your pottery in my socks and underwear! Or you could use your own if you have a thing against germs." That's the kind of person I want to deal with! Someone with solutions. The sort who'd say, "If I keep the pool open, could I maybe do my laundry at your house?"

As customers, though, we'd need to keep our end of the bargain. "Of course, you can do your laundry at my place," we'll say. "I just need to throw in some socks and panties I promised to return to someone who, like you, is really good at her job."

For more info:

davidsedarisbooks.com
"The Best of Me" by David Sedaris (Little, Brown), in Hardcover, eBook and Audio formats, available via Amazon and Indiebound

Story produced by Amy Wall. Editor: Kevin McLaughlin.