Bears Are So Bizarre, The Onion's Reporting Makes More Sense

By John Dodge

CHICAGO (CBS) -- Watching the Chicago Bears management team implode this season almost makes The Onion's coverage of the team this season more believable.

While Jay Cutler has put up the best statistics of his career with the team, fans are being treated to leaked stories from anonymous sources about "buyer's remorse" and an emotional apology from offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer, who, according to the Chicago Tribune, admitted that he was the source behind a different televised report that team was frustrated with Cutler's play management.

The problem, of course, is that the Bears paid "elite" quarterback money and are not pleased with the ROI.

According to The Score's Dan Bernstein, there is a meeting set for Halas Hall today to discuss the future. Despite what is clearly a unsalvageable disaster, they can't even agree on what to do.

Bernstein, the voice of reason in this scenario, writes that there is really only one, obvious solution.

On Friday afternoon, Kromer admitted he screwed up, and Cutler said it was now "a dead issue." Although the quarterback did indicate that he was bothered about the "buyers remorse" report, saying, "I am human just like everybody else."

The news conference was akin to putting out a fire with gasoline. The whole situation is out of control.

As the season continues to spiral to new depths of futility, one wouldn't be blamed to think some of The Onion's top-notch coverage of the team actually reflects a more sane view of the team's situation. The actual behavior of the coaches and front office is more bizarre than the fiction.

Take for example, this report from October: Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed money from his seven-year, $126 million contract. "We're willing to do whatever it takes to push Jay to improve his performance on the field, so if a guaranteed $54 million isn't getting the best out of him, then we'll just have to go up to $70 million," said Emery.

Or this report that Cutler blamed the punter for the team's blow out losses to New England and Green Bay.

"It's certainly not an easy thing to say, but at the end of the day, someone has to step up and accept that mistakes were made by our punter, Pat O'Donnell," said Cutler, who pointed to O'Donnell's blocked punt in the third quarter as playing a major role in the team's unraveling and conceded that blame for the team's loss rested squarely on the rookie punter.

Actually, a lot of fans believed that one.

Cutler has provided plenty of fodder for the publication over the years.

Unfortunately, with the Bears, some things you just can't make up.

In:
• Jay Cutler