The Indefinitive Election Poll

Tired of those polls that don't ask the questions you want to ask? Suspicious of conflicting results of some surveys? During this lull between the two political conventions, I thought it would be a good time to take another Garver Poll on presidential politics.

As usual, as opposed to real polls, there is no science involved and the answers should not be taken any more seriously than the questions. However, I promise that I will read all your responses, and I will post the results on this site. With a nod towards my boyhood Chicago, you may vote as many times as you want.

1. 1. Would you rather have a president whose family is involved in:

A. Big Oil?

B. Big Ketchup?

2. 2. Whatever happened to John Edwards? I thought he was going to be the dynamic campaigner who would be in the news every day. We've hardly heard from him since the Convention. What do you think he's up to?

A. He's at the "undisclosed location" with Dick Cheney?

B. He's waiting to look older before he goes out in public again?

3. 3. What would surprise you the most at the upcoming Republican convention?

A. Colin Powell telling us what he really thinks?

B. Dick Cheney saying, "Maybe there really aren't any Weapons of Mass Destruction over there?"

C. George Bush performing a gay wedding at the opening ceremony?

4. 4. What would you most like to see happen at the debates?

A. President Bush insisting that Dick Cheney accompany him.

B. The Bush twins debating Emma Claire and Jack Edwards.

C. Either candidate actually answering any question.

5. Which is most confusing to you?

A. The electoral college?

B. President Bush's position on stem cell research?

C. Why both sides spend so much time talking about how they're not going to talk about Kerry's military career?

D. Why Bill Clinton looks younger now than when he was President?

6. Which makes you angriest?

A. That George Bush has a really rich father?

B. That John Kerry has a really rich spouse?

C. That you don't have a rich spouse or a rich father?

7. What annoys you the most about President Bush?

A. The smirk?

B. The way he pronounces "nuclear?"

C. His perfect posture?

8. What annoys you the most about John Kerry?

A. His speaking voice?

B. His hair?

C. His height?

9. How can anyone still be undecided? What do you think "the undecideds" are waiting for before making up their minds?

A. They're hoping to finally find out where President Bush was when he was supposed to be with the National Guard?

B. They're wondering if Kerry's going to say, "All right. I only deserved two Purple Hearts, not three?"

C. If U.S. forces catch Osama bin Laden, they want to know if Osama will say, "Bush is the man. The United States never would have found me if that war hero guy were president?"

10. What do you think would help get more young people to vote?

A. Have the candidates dress hipper?

B. Have the candidates rap their speeches?

C. Have better candidates to choose from?

11. Even though it could never happen, in your wildest political fantasy which would you like to see occur?

A. John Kerry accidentally slipping into perfect French as he addresses a campaign crowd in Ohio?

B. An investigation revealing that Ralph Nader has been a crook all these years?

C. President Bush saying, "Let's not count any state whose governor happens to be related to one of the candidates?"

D. Both sides being positive and refraining from bad-mouthing each other for the rest of the campaign?

By Lloyd Garver