Mom, Why Was I Adopted?

Adopting a child can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things people can do. Whether they adopt because they can't have children of their own, or because they want to give a child a good home, most adoptive parents are eternally thankful for the opportunity.

There are, however, several important psychological issues that arise after an adoption. As part of The Early Show series, "Exploring Adoption," child psychologist Robin Goodman vists to discuss a few of the ones parents must think about.

When to tell your child he or she was adopted

"No matter what the circumstances, there's always the pink elephant of when to tell and what to tell," Goodman says. "In general, the feeling is the sooner you tell your child, the better, but what happens is -- it's sort of the way parents get nuts about the sex talk with their kids -- adoptive parents feel the same sort of anxiety when they tell their child that he or she was adopted."

Here are a few ways to start the adoption dialogue with your child:

"Use the word adoption earlier on in their lives," Goodman advises. "If you don't talk about it, they'll feel that something is wrong. And if you don't start the dialogue early on, if you postpone it until they're older, they could resent you, and they could jump to other conclusions and accusations, such as, 'Well, what else did you lie to me about?'"

However, it's not necessary to bring up the topic when the child is too young. "A preschooler doesn't necessarily understand things as complex as this. So tell your pre-schooler something like, 'You grew inside one lady and we made you our own baby when you came outside to grow up.' A young child may just need to hear he or she was born like everyone else (inside), and is not really asking those complex questions just yet.

But when kids ask more questions about where babies come from, it will be a cue to add more to the discussion, Goodman suggests.

Adoption today is not the same as adoption 20 years ago. "There are so many definitions of 'a family' these days," she says. "There are kids with four daddies, or five mommies. Adoption is not viewed as this strange, isolating thing anymore because there are so many atypical family situations today."

And she stresses that even if it is not physically obvious to your child that he or she is adopted (as it is with children adopted from a different race), you still need to have the conversation early on.

How to have the conversation with your child

"It's a question of understanding and language," says Goodman. "If you use it in normal conversation early on, and you teach a young child what adoption means, it's an easier transition."

A question your adoptive child may ask is: "Why didn't my mommy want me?" The way to answer it depends on the age of the child, Goodman says. "You can say, 'I'm the mommy that wanted you and loves you.' Or tell him or her: 'Mommies do different things when they have babies.' Explain the difference between having babies and loving babies."

As they get older, your answer to that question depends on what you know about the birth parents. But, Goodman points out, even though adoptive parents should not give their child false information, they should not offer all the information, if that information is harmful for the child. For example, it's probably best not to give a child all the gory details about their birth mother's drug and alcohol abuse.

Goodman also recommends using some of the numerous children's books about adoption to start the adoption conversation. "If a child sees a character in a book, and you talk about the fact that the character was adopted by a loving family, and you tell your child: 'So were you,' he or she will be able to relate. It won't be a question of: 'Oh, I'm so different from everyone else.' It'll be more like, 'Oh, OK, cool!'"

And, she warns, "Don't be overly analytical of your child's response to the news that they're adopted. A lot of times, a kid just looks at parents and says, 'Alright, I get it.' And it's true. They're not covering; they're not trying to put on a brave face. If they say they're alright with it, chances are, they are OK."

Goodman also says it's important to reassure adopted children that they didn't do anything "wrong" that caused them to be adopted.

Looking for the birth parents:

As children get older, and they consider their own sense of self and their place in the world, they may want to know more and more about their birth parents, perhaps even going so far as to seek out their birth mother or father.

"When kids are questioning who their birth parents are, it's important to realize that they're not rejecting the adoptive parents, but they simply want more information on themselves" Goodman says. "Adoptive parents should anticipate children wanting more information about their birth parents. Human nature makes you curious: do you look like your father? Do you act like your aunt, etc. Parents shouldn't look at it as a criticism; rather, it's a quest for self-understanding."

Goodman says if the child is old enough to decide to find his or her birth parents, there really is no reason for adoptive parents to get in the way:
"Today, there are lots of adoptions: open adoptions where the birth parents are a part of the child's life, or the adoptive parents keep in contact with the birth parents in case the situation arises when their child wants to meet the birth parents."

She also says, "Some kids who are struggling or have lots of questions may find comfort by talking to other adopted kids to get support and comfort. They can talk about their feelings about finding the person who gave birth to them with people experiencing the same feelings, and that often can be very helpful to a child."

When the child remembers the birth parents

In those cases in which the adopted child remembers the birth parents, Goodman recommends reassuring the child by pointing out that the birth parent or someone close wanted the best for the child, and that is why he or she was given up for adoption.

Goodman notes, "Invariably, older adopted children will have to deal with more issues than those adopted at infancy. They'll have memories of a birth parent, and often these kids will still have an allegiance to that parent, which makes it a more challenging situation for adoptive parents. But this is not an insurmountable problem; with patience and love and understanding, these adoptive situations can work out beautifully."

She adds that it is possible to get two variations on a theme when adopting an older child. "You could get a child who's just really thankful to be with a loving family," she says. "You could also get a child who is so thankful to be with a loving family that will turn out to be the perfectionist child. Such children will want everything to be absolutely perfect so that they won't be left again, or passed on to someone else. They just want to stay with you and will do everything in their power to make you happy.

"The opposite, of course, is possible too, with the potential of adopting a child who is so hurt and angry with the birth parents, and so distrustful of anyone in a parental position, that he or she will lash out at you and just want to be bad. The two can look very different, but they actually come from the same place. It's this idea of not wanting to be passed on again, not wanting to be abandoned," Goodman explains.

Considering the biological background

Today, with so many foreign adoptions, Goodman points out that it's also important to acknowledge an adopted child's biological background.

"Children's history is their history forever," she says. "You can't erase it; it is eternally part of who they are. If you adopt a child from China, you may want to send him or her to a Chinese school to learn his or her native language. Or you may want to create a life history book, sort of like a baby book that shows the orphanage where you adopted them in their hometown in Russia, and a description of the town - whatever information about their past they may want to connect with at some point. Don't pretend it's not a part of who they are, because that will only breed resentment in the future."