Lakers Get On Fisher's Back and Climb over Celtics
According to legal papers filed by a marketing company, supermodel Naomi Campbell refused to climb the stairs at a promotional event when she discovered the elevator was broken.
In Game 3 of the NBA Finals, it was obvious that both teams had no automatic way to get to the third floor. They had few buttons to push and those that they did mostly left them between floors.
But, in the end, more Lakers than Celtics chose to take the strenuous route.
More Lakers than Celtics took off their high heels and trudged their way up in bare feet.
More Lakers than Celtics took the extra step and stretched the extra hamstring in order to ensure that, at the very worst, the Lakers will return to L.A. with a game to play.
Their 91-84 win at the TD Garden was Too Dour, Too Direct, Too Desperate for many neutrals to have let their hearts touch their top teeth.
But, this night, it was the fates of two old bald men that showed most clearly the difference between the two teams.
While the Lakers' Derek Fisher continued his quite personal brand of foul play at the defensive end, he produced several offensive plays that would have sucked the resolve out of Hannibal's elephants.
In the fourth quarter, Fisher, his new, full beard eerily resembling that of a model in a Just For Men commercial, poured in four successful shots, each of which poured arsenic into Boston tea.
Some seemed little more than the hopeful heaves of a man who has eaten too much and knows it.
Yet in one play Fisher drove down court at the speed of lard.
Two larger Celtics converged on him. He looked sure to get blocked.
Failing that, his shot, propelled from an aerially off-balance position last enjoyed by manually-made flying machines, would surely miss.
But if ever you chose to believe that a shot could be willed in, this was it. The Celtics couldn't believe. Neither, one suspects, did Fisher.
Contrast Fisher's will with Ray Allen's chill.
The Celtics' guard had broken the record for three-pointers in Game 2. In Game 3, he was just a broken record. There may never again be a 0-13 shooting performance that flattered the shooter.
Allen's shots sometimes barely grazed the rim, even though he was finding positions that were arguably more favorable than in Game 2.
Perhaps Fisher had stuck so many needles into a Ray Allen effigy the night before that all he had to do was squint his eyes a little and Allen's shots flew as if propelled by metal arms.
It was truly a staggering fall down the stairs.
For the Celtics, only Kevin Garnett stepped up to fill some of the void. At least he offered 25 points. Paul Pierce, who cleverly informed fans during Game 2 that there would be no Game 6 in L.A., was again almost as peripheral as Tom Brady, who sat courtside.
Yes, Pierce did manage to finally sink his first three-pointers of the Series. However, his 15 point total suggested that Ron Artest has, indeed, pierced his consciousness to such a degree that he might need a psychological intervention.
After his heroic fourth quarter, you might have expected Fisher to walk off the court, chest out, gut in, strut evident.
Instead, he began to blub during his post game interview, as if he'd just been proposed to by the Bachelorette.
Perhaps he is merely human. Perhaps, ever cynical, he merely wants the Celtics to think he's human.
Or perhaps he knows that he simply cannot pull off something quite like that ever again.
Chris Matyszczyk is an award-winning creative director who advises major corporations on content creation and marketing, and an avid sports fan. He is also the author of the popular CNET blog Technically Incorrect.