"Dancing with the Stars": Ralph Macchio chopped down at the knees
(CBS) "I was confused a bit by the judges last night," said Ralph Macchio, in an uncharacteristically critical comment early in last night's "Dancing with the Stars" results show. If Macchio, the nice guys' nicest guy, was feeling competitive, just imagine the digging in of heels in the show's green room.
Sadly for those in love with Macchio's entirely unmacho, sweetest-guy-in-the-room-who's-still-totally-in-love-with-his-wife persona, it was his bad knee and padded bottom that was sent packing by a combination of the judges and voters.
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Still, how could those sweet-natured producers possibly rack up the tension before this information was revealed and the inevitable garments were rent and globules of tears were shed?
Before we could digest this cheerily predictable information, we were treated to the sight of Stevie Nicks singing live. How did we know she was singing live? Some of the notes were entirely original.
Then we had some revealing backstage footage. Chelsea Kane admitted she had hated partner Mark Ballas this week. Yes, really. Before we had time to be numbed all the way into the next edition of "American Idol" by this information, Kane and Ballas were told they would also be in the last three.
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Which left 36 minutes, several of which were filled with small talk about what it was like to be in the finals. Well, it's "an honor," "fun," "grateful to be here." Oh, and "happy to be here."
So who would be the star eliminated? Macchio or the extremely famous - and really quite funny - Kirstie Alley?
Their combined age is well over a hundred. So who could be amazed that we had several minutes dedicated to details of their injuries?
Macchio's knee and Alley's hip have been carried through by the wonders of contemporary scientific knowledge and the collected great medical minds of Beverly Hills. Both claimed they are desperate to win. There is nothing, Alley said, like being nominated for an Emmy and then hearing "And the winner is..." And you can easily win and Emmy with a bum knee and a rotting hip.
You can even win one with a large pad inside your pants. Which is what Macchio had enjoyed throughout Monday's performances. Secret footage did reveal that Macchio was padded with anger after the judges' voting. He claimed he had seen 10s given for the same dance for which he and partner Karina Smirnoff has received only 7s and 8s.
Smirnoff knew exactly what to say to him: "F--- them!" she said. "You did it for you."
Well, and for his wife, his kids and every woman who appreciates the attractions of a complete and total nice guy who would never, ever father a child with his housekeeper.
As they stood waiting for the verdict, Smirnoff's professional face revealed she knew the inevitable. Her eyes tossed daggers towards the camera, while her forehead remained resolutely frozen.
A reminder: these weren't the bottom two. These were the bottom one and the other one put there for drama.
The bottom one was the one with the pad in his bottom.
Macchio thanked the fans who had driven him through every week. He also thanked the crew and, especially, the makeup folks.
"My gratitude is overwhelmed," he said.
The rest of him looked fairly overwhelmed too, as he went on to thank Smirnoff and spoke of his pride.
Now we are left with the Pride of Disney, the Pride of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Pride of Large, Funny, Exuberant, Cursing Ladies Everywhere.
One can only look forward to more drama, more vast, uncontrolled sobbing. Surely no one can possibly be prepared for what Alley might offer when she's required to dance freestyle. Whips and chains, perhaps?
