Attack Of The Pig People
Why do so many people have to let it all hang out in public? In his latest Against the Grain commentary, CBSNews.com's Dick Meyer says a virus of public etiquette is breaking out.
The Cranky and Curmudgeonly Columnists Association (CACCA) requires members to publish annually at least one tirade on the abysmal state of civility, manners and public comportment in America.
While this offering will qualify as my tirade, I also intend to break a little news.
Working with a vast team of psychiatrists, sociologists, anthropologists and cabdrivers, I have discovered a new and rampant anti-social behavior pattern. It's called Aggressive-Passive Exhibitionist Syndrome, or APES. I am applying for a patent. Or a copyright. Whatever.
People suffering from APES lack normal impulses of privacy, modesty, inhibition and personal space. They are oblivious to the effect their behavior may have on strangers in public.
They do not comprehend, for instance, that their flossing in public, exposed smelly toes and loud conversations about eczema are displeasing to most people. APES are commonly found on public transportation (especially airplanes), in restaurants, stores and sports stadiums. There is always one in Starbucks, which should be avoided for that just reason.
APES do not necessarily engage in aggressive or actively rude behavior. Theirs are mostly sins of obliviousness, not commission. Their pathology differs somewhat from the road rage driver, the public curser, the hostile shop clerk, the insane little league parent and the screaming shock jock. And while APES may share some tendencies with the multiple-body-part-piercer, the common exhibitionist or fashion victim, the pathology is, again, distinct.
APES will, however, engage in one or more of certain behaviors listed in The Clinical Guide to Grotesque Public Hygiene, including:
A fellow named Pig Man by my family provides a fine case study. Pig Man sat directly behind my wife on a US Air flight from Boston to Washington on a recent Sunday. I was in the aisle seat across from my wife and two children, diagonally across from Pig Man.
Pig Man is Caucasian, roughly 6" 3' tall, between 35 and 45 years old, "buffed" and sported a stylish haircut, a designer shirt, and expensive looking jewelry. He looked prosperous, perhaps wealthy.
He boarded with a heavy black roller-bag. While stowing it in the overhead compartment, Pig Man smashed my soft carry-on without hesitation or apology. Strike one.
Pig Man sat down and immediately got out the cell phone and began shouting into it. Using a cell phone on a plane before take-off is common and acceptable. But 83 percent of all on-plane cell talkers will talk softly, cover the phone with their hand or lean into themselves as gestures toward the surrounding humanity.
Not Pig Man. He sat up straight and boomed. I can report that Pig Man barely had time to shower before the flight, that he had an athletic morning, that some buddies were having fun at a picnic and a few things I will not repeat on a family Web site. Pig Man ignored polite but dirty looks from at least three neighbors. Strike Two.
On takeoff, Pig Man removed his shower slippers, immediately. He crossed his leg such that his bare foot (which included five heinous toes) flopped on to my left arm. One doesn't have to be Emily Post to know that one does not touch a stranger with bare feet. He responded to my instant swivel and heartfelt scowl, with a wave that said, "Sorry, dude, but don't be so uptight."
He kept his naked, male foot in aisle, but moved the offending appendage closer to my wife and her considerable olfactory gifts. She reported the foot to be stinky. Strike three.
Disembarking revealed Pig Man's boxer shorts extended far beyond his actual shorts. Given his careful grooming of other portions, this had to be intentional – a "look." To my wife and 11-year old daughter, this was an especially gross final straw. Strike four. He's way out.
I submit that Pig Man is actually a carrier of APES. He was not aggressive, but oozed the social obliviousness, narcissism and air of entitlement that marks the syndrome.
The most dangerous enabling device for APES right now is that new cell phone headgear contraption that lets APES use an earphone and a small microphone near their mouth. This gives the onlooker no warning that a cell phone is in use. Practically every day, I whirl around on the street or in the drugstore because I think someone is talking to me, only to discover it's a freehanded cell phone yakker. For some reason, I am always the one who is embarrassed.
It takes a certain kind of person to walk down the street, loudly talking into the air about Ted's breakup with Pam while wearing a t-shirt that says, "Eat Me!." It takes a certain a kind of person to go to the Holocaust Museum in running shorts, a sleeveless muscle shirt and flip-flips. It takes an APE.
I would have attempted an intervention with Pig Man, but my family expressly forbids me to treat APES in public. Similarly, I am not allowed to convey my constructive advice to perpetrators of road rage and rudeness. They think it would be rude.
I respect my family's wishes, but I do think it is society's loss.
Dick Meyer, the Editorial Director of CBSNews.com, is based in Washington. For many years, he was a political and investigative producer for The CBS News Evening News With Dan Rather.
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Against the Grain
By Dick Meyer