There are things in life that are true and things that are not true.
Tonight, I'm going to read you a list of things that are true:
- Mail doesn't come the day you expect it, but considering how impatient we are to get it, there isn't usually anything good in it anyway.
- The drivers of trucks that have signs on them saying, "Call this number if the driver is discourteous" are usually driving too fast for you to read the number.
- People who like to fish like it even if they don't catch anything.
- Elastic bands are one of the outstanding inventions of all time.
Paper clips are not.
- None of the plugs and wires that fit into the back of one piece of equipment fit into the back of any other.
- I was in the Army for four years and all soldiers are not heroes.
- Not as many people have canaries in cages as they used to. Canaries must like that.
- Numbers are longer than they used to be. There's something wrong with a personal identification number on a credit card or a bank check that is larger than the number of people there are in the world.
- People who like to jog couldn't stop jogging anymore than smokers can stop smoking. If it was determined that jogging was bad for their health, they'd keep jogging.
- All screws should be Phillips. They should stop making screws with just one slot.
- Dogs are nicer than people. Not only that, but dogs are smarter than horses.
- The best thing about winter is you don't lose your sunglasses. The best thing about summer is you don't lose one glove.
- Some murders make it difficult to be against capital punishment.
- Considering how clumsy a lot of people are, it's surprising how many cars pass so close on the highways every day without hitting each other.
- We say "the telephone is ringing," but the sound a telephone makes is no longer a ring.
- Celery is better than it used to be, but tomatoes are not as good.
- Most other countries make better beer and better bread than we make in the United States.
- Throwing something in a wastebasket is one of the small pleasures of life.
- The United Nations is a great idea that has never been good enough.
Written By Andy Rooney