Put Sex Back in Your Marriage
It's estimated that one-in-five married couples has what experts call a "sexless" marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than ten times a year.
But it doesn't have to be that way, psychotherapist Dr. Jenn Berman said on "The Early Show Saturday Edition," and she shared a number of suggestions to help spouses turn things around in the sex department.
According to Berman:
Masters & Johnson talk about how everything happens on a spectrum, and people's sex lives are on a spectrum. To qualify a relationship as being sexless if it involves sex only ten times a year or less is to characterize as abnormal what would appear to be a national norm. Couples have to look at their sex lives on a continuum. There are times in their life together when they will have more sex (after marriage) and less sex (after a birth, for instance) . It is important that couples realize their sex life will ebb and flow.
Also, it is not a matter of normal and abnormal. It is between you and your partner and what works for both of you. As long as you both feel connected and are on the same page, then it is all good. If you like to have sex twice a year and you feel connected and there is emotional intimacy, then it is all good and more power to you. If you both like having sex five times-a-day and everyone is on the same page, you're connected and no one is resentful, and there is emotional intimacy, then more power to you.
Sex breeds sex. The more sex you have, the more sex you are likely to have. An orgasm is really good for you physically and emotionally.
How you use your bed is important. It is a lot easier to watch TV or answer your e-mail in bed then it is to connecting with your partner. Those things really inhibit sex. It is hard for people to go from work mode to sex mode, and when we think of seduction, we think of connection, roses and soft candlelight, and we don't think of our conversation with our boss and text messaging.
The bedroom is the room in our house most conducive to having sex. It is where we are supposed to relax and, when you're having a conversation with your boss, it is hard to relax. The same thing goes for a TV: It takes your focus from your partner.
The less technology you have in your bedroom, the better. With no TV in the bedroom, you will rest more, and that's good for having better sex.
Bedroom RX
Perform an experiment for one week: turn off the TV, make a commitment to not answer the cell phone or text message and see what happens. I'm willing to bet some money it will improve.
Stress has to be managed. Men turn toward sex as a stress outlet more than women. Women tend to need to unwind more and need to feel connected. It is not that you can't have stress and great sex. You have to learn to put the stress aside so you can connect. You can't be worrying about whether you will have a job or getting the assignment in on-time and feel like connecting.
Stress RX
Talk about the stressful things outside the bedroom, in the living room and after eating. Take a mental vacation from your stress to connect with your partner.
Your body
We all tend to be self critical about our bodies, and it is easy to forget that in the moment of having sex we are connecting, not sitting there critiquing each other's body; we are enjoying each other and enjoying the sensations in our bodies. All couples should do their best to be healthy. We have our best sex live when we are healthy and our bodies are working well and they do tend do that when we are sleeping well, eating well d are at a healthy weight.
Idealization of what is sexy in a body
We tend to be self critical and our partners are not trying to get us naked to critique our bodies, and if they are, you probably should be having sex with them anyway: Sex is about the connection and enjoying each other and not being perfect.
Self Consciousness RX
A lot of people are aware of this and carry shame , you need to do your best to develop healthy habits, eat well, sleep well, exercise and take care of yourself. Avoid emotional eating.
What happens if your partner is just not into you?
Anytime there is a change in your sex live, it is important to address your partner and do it in a loving way, not a critical way. It can be a challenge when our partners are all of a sudden initiating sex less; there is a tendency for people to become hurt and angry and point fingers. It is important to be delicate. Sex is a sensitive topic for everybody and you need to be aware of that.
Have a blameless conversation; talk about it outside the bedroom.
What about Viagra?
A lot of the time, men are taking Viagra and are ready to go and don't realize it takes women more time to warm up. It is important for men to be aware of their women's sexual response and how long it takes women to be raring to go.
And other medicines?
A lot of women on oral contraceptives have a reduced sex drive. Folks on antidepressants or blood pressure meds may have reduced libido. It is important to consult with your doctor.
Medicine RX
Talk to your doctor to determine how it is affecting your sex life; perhaps he/she can adjust your medicine.