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New Year's Resolutions For Other People

Experts in the New Year's Resolution field estimate that 25 percent of resolutions don't make it past Jan. 8. So rather than torturing ourselves by making resolutions that we may or may not be able to stick to, it's a lot easier to suggest resolutions that other people should make. And that's what I've done below:


President Bush should resolve to apologize and/or admit that he's made a mistake. About anything. It doesn't even have to be in public. It could be in the privacy of his own bedroom, with his wife. Or even by himself. He'll feel better and we'll all feel better.

Nancy Pelosi should resolve that she won't allow a situation to come about in which the American people say, "I don't like this new corruption. I miss the old corruption."

Hillary Clinton should resolve to make no more campaign speeches until she announces that she's running for president.

Virginians should resolve to boot Rep. Virgil H. Goode Jr. (R) out of office for not knowing that religious freedom applies to the United States Congress.

Vice President Cheney should resolve to refrain from hunting — if there are any other people present in the same county.

Republicans should resolve not to make fun of an opponent just because he has a funny-sounding name.

Democrats should resolve not to make fun of an opponent just because he's a Republican.

Congress should resolve to not take up two days out of every week complaining about how hard it is to adjust to their new five-day work week.


All adult males should resolve that unless they are in the midst of playing a basketball game, they will not wear a tank top in public.

All adult women should resolve that they will not wear pants and underwear that reveal more than what working plumbers are known for when they bend over.


Barry Bonds should resolve that if he breaks Henry Aaron's homerun record, in addition to his father and Willie Mays, he will thank the wonderful world of chemistry.

John Madden and other color commentators should resolve to, well, just be quiet once in a while.

The media should resolve to refrain from giving any more publicity to that egomaniacal football player, Terrell ... oops, almost slipped.

Those who control college sports — the television networks — should resolve to not add any new bowl games. I don't want to see the "Manny's Grill and Tire Repair Shop Bowl" brought to us in HD by Viagra.

All sports teams should resolve to get rid of any player who goes to strip clubs more often than he goes to practice.

The major sports leagues should resolve that any athlete who possesses or uses a gun illegally shall be punished by being forced to hunt next to Vice President Cheney.

Macho, sweaty athletes should resolve not to have a cologne or perfume named after them.

The Chicago Cubs should resolve to not make any excuses this year, and just win.


Every television network should resolve to have at least one executive who is old enough to vote.

Every morning news show should resolve to have at least two minutes of news out of every two hours.

Show Business:

Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, and Rush Limbaugh should resolve to think before talking — and then not talk.

Hollywood should resolve to refrain from making sequels of movies whose originals weren't any good.

Mel Gibson should resolve to actually read that "Good Book" he talks about so much.

All female celebrities should resolve to eat at least three healthy meals — during the year.

All male celebrities should resolve not to take romantic roles opposite women young enough to be their granddaughters.

All celebrities should resolve not to give their babies names that nobody's ever heard of before.

The movie industry should resolve to hold off for at least two years before giving us another movie about penguins.

Celebrities should resolve to avoid being in public wearing less underwear than their babies are wearing at home.

Wow, that was so much easier than my resolving to clean up my office or keep my mouth shut when I think my kids are making a mistake.

If you've got some resolutions for other people that you'd like to add to the list, feel free.

More importantly, I'd like us all to resolve to have a happy, healthy, and peaceful year.

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.

By Lloyd Garver

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