Last Updated Dec 28, 2009 2:52 PM EST
Sometimes, I can't help but Wonder What Would Happen If --
- You ran into your boss at the shrink's office (who would feel weirder?).
- The finance department went over budget.
- The planet actually ran out of low-cost manufacturing and call center labor.
- Consumers didn't respond like lemmings to talking Geckos, half price sales, and reality television.
- AT&T and Verizon used their enormous ad budgets to upgrade their networks.
- An insurance company said, "Sure, we'll cover that."
- Marketing and sales realized they were two sides of the same coin.
- We actually embraced virtual meetings and stopped hopping on planes for every idiotic reason.
- Self-important executives realized they're not.
- Robots were so polite and attentive that consumers preferred them to real people.
- The "Risk Factors" section of a 10-K read: "We make a high-priced, inferior product. It's a pig with lipstick. Anybody who buys it is an idiot."
- B2B actually meant business-to-business and not "spam."
- Companies respected each other's intellectual property as they would real property.
- We gave in to political correctness and had to precede each and every sentence with "allegedly," "with all due respect," "I could be wrong," and "in my humble opinion."
- Consumers were actually willing to pay for better quality and customer service.
- A manager who says he's "putting his butt on the line" really was "putting his butt on the line." Would that change his behavior, do you think?
- We didn't run our companies like testosterone-injected, ego-inflated, good-old-boys clubs.
- Executive meetings were like real life instead of pompous BS.
- Board directors actually held executives as accountable for results as executives held their employees.
- At a RIF (Reduction in Force) planning meeting the VP of HR finds out he's getting laid off.
- We actually rewarded success and punished failure instead of rewarding mediocrity.
From The Corner Office to each and every one of you, may your Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) be merry and safe, and may your New Year be healthy and prosperous. Cheers.