"I look at that situation and think, between divorce and cheating, when you're not really cheating your partner out of anything that your partner wants or values -- the partner doesn't want sex with you -- I think cheating is the least worst option."
"Isn't monogamy the ideal?"
"Yes, disastrously so," said Savage. "It is the ideal."
Why do you say disastrously so'? Isn't that what we should all want to go for?
"That's what we are all told we should want, and we all fall short -- not all of us. My problem with monogamy is, we're told that if we're in love, we won't want to sleep with anybody else. The truth is, if we're in love and we make a monogamous commitment, that means we will refrain from sleeping with other people. We still want to sleep with other people."
He describes his own long partnership and 10-year marriage to Terry Miller as "monogamish."
"There needed to be a word in-between monogamous and non-monogamous," Savage said. "And so 'monogamish' I thought kind of nailed it. It was closer to our reality, our lived experience. We were much more monogamous than not; we were mostly monogamous. We were monogamish."
They have an adopted son, D.J., who's now 16.
Moriarty asked, "Does your son read your column?"
"No," said Savage.
To which Miller added, "I mean, would you read your dad's sex advice column?"
Maybe times haven't really changed that much at all. Like Ann Landers, Dan Savage just wants to mend broken hearts.
"You sound like you really enjoy this, Dan," said Moriarty.
"I do. I love it. It's a great gig," he said. "People ask me when I'm gonna stop. I'm like, 'No, no. I'm Ann Landers, man. They're gonna pry this advice column out of my cold, dead hands one day.' It's a wonderful gig."
For more info:
- Savage Love - Article archive at The Stranger
- Dan Savage Blog
- Savage Lovecast (Podcast)
- "American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics" by Dan Savage (Plume); Also available in eBook and Unabridged Audio Download formats
- Follow Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) and his husband, Terry Miller (@fakedanshusband), on Twitter
- It Gets Better Project
- Follow @ItGetsBetter on Twitter and YouTube