Keller @ Large: Attention Out-Of-Towners! Boston Isn't 'Beantown'

BOSTON (CBS) - The writer claims she was only joking, so I guess we'll have to forgive the New York Magazine blogger who referred to Martha's Vineyard in an article about the First Family's vacation there as "The Martha."

She claimed that's what the locals call it, but of course this is totally false. Not only would no islander ever call it "The Martha," they would shun anyone they heard doing so.

But this gaffe – intentional or not – gives us an opportunity to address the many seasonal visitors to our little corner of heaven about the sensitive topic of what is the proper way to refer to where you are, and what is not.

For starters, there is no such thing in polite local discourse as "Beantown."

I know, you see it on trolleys and bars and in poorly-researched guidebooks. But even back in colonial times, when outsiders would refer to our city that way, the locals never did.

"The Hub" is also a mark of cluelessness. If you must use a nickname for Boston, "City of Champions" is acceptable as you buy a round for everyone within earshot.

I also like "the Athens of America," but only sarcastically.

Also, please don't try to impose the annoying habit, popular these days in lesser cities, of taking fragments of a place name and combining them, like calling East Boston "EaBo" or South Boston "SoBo." No Suffolk County jury would convict a local for lashing out at such heresy.

Yes, I know, they push "SoWa" hard in the South End, but trust me, it's unacceptable.

You can call Provincetown "P-Town" without incident. But Cape Cod is "the Cape," Tewksbury is "Tuxbury," and don't ever forget it.

Or else we'll put you in a locked room with "The Martha" and throw away the key.

Listen to Jon's commentary: