"I was a bully"
September 15, 2011 3:33 PM
Students Tyree Berdecia and Aislyn Doeur explain why they think kids bully.
Special section: Bullying: Words Can Kill
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Let's help our kids find their voices - they must learn to speak up - with courage - for themselves and others. Remember, bullies only do what the bystanders allow. And we suggest - children only do what adults allow. Let's act our age. Our kids are depending on it.
If you can get the help from these types of kids, you are well on your way to dealing with these bullying problems. When others see these popular kids, who are looked up to, standing up for the less popular students, they tend to back off and think they are not acting appropriately. Utilizing the help of coaches to teach these athletes who are looked up to, that they are the ones that are followed, is a very key part in combating this terrible bullying problem that many schools face. I found that getting my group of friends to talk with and support those who were less popular, went a very long way in having those students being accepted. When others saw us talking with these students, they too felt that these people were okay to talk with.
I do realize that many of these popular students actually lead the bullying, but athletics are very important to many kids, especially as you get into middle and high schools. If the coaches can help mentor these athletes and popular kids, and let them know that bullying behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated, I do think things can change. These kids can help make a big change in the way bullied students are treated. If a star athlete or popular kid is seen standing up for a student they see being bullied, changes can happen very quickly. Believe me, I went through it, I saw it, and I feel that I made a big difference in how these students got treated.
First off, I am sorry to hear that your child is so badly mistreated. Nobody has the right to do what they do to your little girl.
Second, I am a 28 year old woman who herself was bullied a little more than a decade ago by a similar type of crowd to the one you are describing. I know a thing or two about computers (it is part of my job) and gadgets and I might be of some assistance.
1) Document the bullying...ALL OF IT. You need to collect evidence. There are ways to beat these girls at their own game, using technology. For example, some sort of Instant Messaging system can easily be documented by screen capture software. Sit with your daughter and lure the little creeps into talking to her and fire up the screen capture. In real time it will capture everything that is going on on the desktop and you can document the date and time it occurs, as well as see with your own eyes what they are doing. For Facebook, it is a little trickier, but snoop around and look for somebody who knows how to code and how to reach in the back door of a computer (there are plenty of college students who know how to do this and a lot of administrators at work will, too.) Every computer has a signature called an IP Address. It will prove who did what and when because that sequence of numbers always tracks back to a single computer at a particular address. (That, and if you request it from Facebook you might get results as well, but turnover is much slower. ) Each posting will prove who wrote what as the IP address can be determined on each. Print out all of the above as a hard copy as a backup and save save save on disk!
For her phone, get her a blackberry-I know this is not a cheap investment but even older used ones have a feature that documents the date and time of a text message (if a school administrator says it didn't happen on school grounds, you can say, "Oh really? September 27th, 2011, 12:14 pm. Your records show that my daughter was not absent that day and your calendar says that is lunchtime." Make sure she keeps the texts.
As a last resort, (and only as a last resort) there are all sorts of cameras that can be hidden in a backpack or in a pen that are available online, very tiny gadgets that can record the bullies while the little toads do their stuff. Most bullies are too stupid to realize that all it takes is for one of their victims to film them and the fat lady has sung. Boom! Concrete proof.
2) Get a copy of school policies towards bullying and copies of schedules and make sure you document that, plus keep tabs on whatever efforts if any are being put forward. I should warn you that in my experience schools sometimes have policies that are designed to combat bullying...and they are utter FAILURES. Remember, a policy that is ineffective against bullying is just as bad as no policy at all because it doesn't stop the victimization. For example, when I was your daughter's age I was told I had to mediate with my bully. It was the worst decision the world had ever seen because it made it easy for the bully to tell the principal whatever she wanted to hear and he'd write a fake letter of contrition and then go right back to making my life hell. I didn't get any satisfaction until I finally lost my temper, waited for him to spread his legs a certain way, and kicked him where the sun don't shine. (I got suspended for it, but to this day I am not sorry for what I did-don't be too hard on her if she ever does stand up for herself because if she reaches this point it usually means all other options have been exhausted.)
3) If the school is ineffective and the parents of the girls are doing nothing to corral their daughters (and yes, you should make these parents aware of the troubles) don't hesitate to press charges against the school and the parents of the girls. There are legal actions that you can take if the school has failed or refuses to address the problem. You can get a restraining order on the girls who go after your daughter so she can have no contact with them ever again. You can use all the evidence you collected to build a case against them and save your daughter any further pain. You can get the therapist to testify to the effect the bullying has had on your daughter psychologically. You can press charges: harassment is a crime and even if you can't go after the bullies directly you can go after their parents, as they are legally responsible for the minors. (I know it sounds extreme, but perhaps taking them to court will wake them up to the truth.)
My mother never did this for me, and as a result I was bullied from the age of 7 to the age of 16. I became known eventually for getting into fist fights because I just got so tired of being somebody's rhymes-with-witch. If my mother had intervened sooner it would have meant the world to me, I would have given anything for it, but she never did and I was on my own. Looking back, she should have taught me not to cower in a corner but to come out swinging and should have been willing to go the distance with the administration at school. Your daughter needs you to show her how to fight back. She doesn't need you telling her to listen to the same people who refuse to protect her adequately and that she must accept being bullied for the rest of her school days. Go after them. And go after them like an uncaged, very angry Mama pitbull.
My daughter over the summer grew and developed and now is teased that she stuffs her bra. It never stops. There were three adults in the room and nothing was said to these girls. My daughter comes home from school crying. Not even a month into the school year and she hates school and does not want to go. She's a smart kid and these kids are making it hard for her to have an education because all she does is stress about everyone in school that comes after her. She sees a therapist and has been for over four years now. I have to watch her because she has hurt herself and say's she doesn't want to live anymore. I WILL NOT LOSE MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE OTHERS FIND IT FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF HER EVERYDAY. IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I'm sickened by all this; children go to school to learn not to bully each other.
- by jakelmore September 16, 2011 11:05 AM EDT
- I blame this on parents, You should know what your kids are like, I also think kids should be banned from Facebook...it started out for college students, I can understand adults being on the website but your unattended children on facebook is like giving your kids the tool that just might destroy your childs life or them possibly destroying another childs life !
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