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@katiecouric: NurtureShock

February 17, 2011 5:00 AM

Is everything you know about parenting wrong? Katie talks to author Ashley Merryman and parenting blogger Liz Gumbinner about new and controversial ideas in child-rearing.

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by 2011London April 12, 2011 10:01 AM EDT
I'm a parent of a 23 year old daughter, single mom. My daughter is dyspraxic, and dyslexic and she always had problems at school. I run a facebook on DSA Assessment & Tutoring on the subject of parents of dyslexic-dyspraxic children. We know what it's like to feel like a failure as a parent in the extreme. Our children are failing- that's a fact. We just have to live with what they can do. Parenting has changed so much in the last fifty years, the expectations on mothers have exceeded anything humanly possible. The advertising on the tv is endless brain washing on how much of a failure we are-what to buy to achieve success. My mother had 11 children and the expectations on her were not as intense. She did not have to psycho-analyse her every move, and project this onto her children. My daughter still has anxiety attacks, but otherwise she is catching up nicely, socially and in education, where some of her middle class school mates seemed to have it easy in school, obeyed the bully as a group in alienating my daughter, but ultimately these A* children grew up to be very easily lead and got into drugs at posh universities and dropped out due to severe mental health issues, or got pregnant unplanned, or got involved with the wrong guy too early: while my daughter was voted most likely to fail, but after much hard knocks, she grew up a caring, intelligent ambitious girl-woman, and got into the top art academy for her painting- a self portrait. All that disadvantage, and I could never make much money because of the need to look after her and educate her, taught her to be grateful for her abilities and making really good friends. Like many moms, I wish I hadn't worried myself so much about where society expected her to go- they predicted the worst outcome for her- and the best for her A* Grade friends. Here's looking at you kid. Love Mom
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by gatekeep February 18, 2011 7:27 PM EST
My comments are mainly directed at Libs_R_Insane-2 February 18, 2011 7:55 AM EST. He(?) says "If you want to be a good parent to your kid be a Conservative." So what is a conservative? If you can organize your political philosophy into a well-defined system or formula - then it's likely not Conservatism. I didn't find the News Video all that Liberal. In fact it seemed to me Katie Couric was a little more Conservative than the author of "Nurture Shock". One thing that came out over and over was valid praise for effort and real achievement. The other thing that came out was involved parents who directed their children to effort, learning by their mistakes, and not over-committing them to schedules that take up all of their time and give them no quality time with their parents. One of the guests on the broadcast said a parent needed to be a parent and not a friend so that when the child grew up and left home they would be a friend. I wonder if Libs_R_Insane-2 is committed to giving his(?) children quality time (directed at his(?) children's innate interests) or if he(?) looks at this commitment as Liberalism? As far as the many negative influences in our society (nasadawg February 18, 2011 9:43 AM EST), I believe involved parents that are based in a supportive Christ filled church are more than a match for whatever is thrown at them.
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by gramon55 February 18, 2011 2:09 PM EST
I am an expert in children. I am a behavior analyst and studied a PhD in child development. Besides that, I have spent almost twenty years helping children with big problems. Because of my experience, I agree with whoever says that experts are wrong very often. I have been in too many pannels in which experts could not agree about the problem or the solution.
However, there are many well known facts that can guide parents towards better parenting. Let's all remember, because of our upbringing, most of us are less than what we could be. If you think about how you or your children are fine adults, think again. Think about the moments in which you have to compete for that promotion, about the times when you just lost one hundred thousand dollars in the market, or in real estate. Think about the times when you liked that special person, but you sabotaged yourself with shyness, insecurities, or little self worth. Those are the times that count. Those are the times in which if you recover easily, grab the bull by the horns, and turn the failure (or almost failure) into a success, you were brought up correctly.
The world is full of average moments in which mediocre, insecure people have little successes. Most of us think of ourselves as ending up okay because we think of those moments, rather than thinking of the critical moments that determine how successful we are.
Some times, when I want a break from working with the most difficult children, I run saturday workshops teaching average children to be successful. The kids start becoming successful in their social life and in school very quickly. I can do this because it is not a secret that there are fundamental underlining characteristics that are foundations to the broader qualities that lead to success.
My advice to parents that want to have successful children is to encourage their children without overwealming them; to teach their children to analyze situations with open minds; to teach the children to question, rather than obeying blindly; to give their children rewards for worth while performances, rather than giving anything or nothing without a pattern to follow; and most important, to listen to the children and understand that children's problems are bigger than adult's problems. Just remember that your child has not learned to cope with his or her problems until after facing those problems.
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by nasadawg February 18, 2011 9:43 AM EST
The old saying was it take a village to raise a child. Well, In modern days. The village is the parent, the mideia, the school, and then the hood. Think about that. The media doesn't give a dam about what is on TV. The schools only try to push their agenda's and are not safe, based on what is in the media. vedio games and facebook - bad. I will not even get into the hood issues. Take away the cell phone and the bad video games. Get then involved in something other then sitting on their a$$. Be the one running the house, not them.
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by dmhphils February 18, 2011 4:54 AM EST
So, we are going to finally swing back the other direction toward conservative values and do it without admitting we had gone too far the other way, like don't ever say, "NO" to your child.
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by commenter777 February 17, 2011 7:59 PM EST
We're raising our children in the US to have a whole lot of self-esteem when they haven't done anything to have that much self-esteem. That's why the children in the US, in general, can't compete with the children being raised in China and India, and some other countries. Children in those countries realistically only get to have a whole lot of self-esteem if they have earned self-esteem. Anything giving for nothing is worth nothing, even the artificial self-esteem we are giving our US children.
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by PATat911 February 17, 2011 7:49 PM EST
Great webshow! Would love to see a part 2 and longer discussion. Very important topic!
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by afrazier1 February 17, 2011 4:01 PM EST
They DO NOT come with instruction manuals! You have to make a choice between how your parents raised you and any differences in the way that happened. To this day, I still wonder how my kids came out so great considering the environment they grew up in.
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by hologram5 February 17, 2011 3:59 PM EST
Well, since I DO have children and know for a fact that all children are different, I would think these studies are nothing more than a waste of time and money. Nothing makes a person a better parent than experience. These tools that write books and the likes about parenting most likely have never had kids and know nothing about parenting. First, you must always be a parent first and a friend second. And ALWAYS discipline them with a firm but loving hand. Do NOT let them walk all over you or it's over. Let them be kids and DON'T for God's sakes medicate your children unless you've had many and I mean many different opinions as they are over-medicating our children for NO apparent reason other than parents don't want to deal with them.
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by tsigili February 17, 2011 3:27 PM EST
Perhaps what you know about parenting isn't the issue. It's the errors in what you know, and how you implement your knowledge, that are the problems.

Let's face it......most parents today, don't really parent.......they just have kids.
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