Speaking as an English major, I pretty much have the authority vested in me to declare the following:

From "free beer!" to "all you can eat," objectively speaking, there remains absolutely, positively no better phrase in the English language than "pitchers and catchers report."

Barry Bonds will be chasing the HR record while the Feds chase him. (Getty Images)

Bottles of sunblock practically open themselves this time of year. Grouper leap onto the frying pan without prodding in Florida. Prickly pear margaritas in Arizona blend themselves.

And as far as you can see, visions of summertime and baseball nights dance on the horizon. Why, from here all you need to do is hit the "print" button and follow us to Florida later this week and, no matter how much snow is out your window, your winter is as good as finished.

Promise ... and this year, our friend, the esteemed groundhog -- who predicts an early spring -- backs me up on that. ...

Best spring stories

1. Camps to proceed uninterrupted this year: With no World Baseball Classic scheduled this spring, there can be no griping or excuse-making. Johnny Rocket Arm will not be taking a two-week leave of absence from your favorite team to go pitch for the Netherlands, so you don't have to take precious time away from work and the NCAA Tournament in March worrying that your hardball team's April will be sabotaged by a pitcher who didn't get enough work in. And if you're spending hard-earned money to visit spring training, you won't show up at Legends Field, ticket in hand, only to learn that Derek Jeter is off fighting the good fight against Italy rather than taking his Grapefruit League at-bats against the Pirates' 'B' team.

2. Barry Bonds: Sorry, no getting away from it. He starts the season only 22 dingers from blowing past Hank Aaron for baseball's all-time home run record. But he also starts the season with the knees of an 80-year-old. We can safely say this: Never before in baseball history has a prospective home run king chased a major record while being chased by the Feds. As Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde fame once wrote in a letter to Henry Ford praising the automaker's vehicles, "even if what I do isn't strickly (sic) legal. ..."

3. Boston is turning Japanese: First day of Red Sox camp will be a study in Ringling Bros. when pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka begins throwing to Jason Varitek or Doug Mirabelli or some minor league catcher wearing No. 93, with Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett chucking it right beside him. Psst, if you're traveling to Fort Myers, Fla., and looking for autographs, you might have a better chance of catching Matsuzaka at Fort Myers Beach than at City of Palms Park -- given the rigorous workouts to which the Japanese players are accustomed, this spring might seem like a vacation to Matsuzaka. Hey, as long as he's ready to go on opening day, the Red Sox have a chance to have one of the better pitching staffs in the AL. And we can't wait for Matsuzaka's first matchup against the Yankees and Hideki Matsui in late April.

4. The Cubs: Groundskeepers will be extra busy in Arizona attempting to keep the field clear of loose change and dollar bills when the Cubs crank it up. In new manager Lou Piniella, slugger Alfonso Soriano, pitcher Ted Lilly and many others, the Cubs dropped almost $300 million onto their renovated roster this winter. But the more things change, the more they remain the same: Despite the new coat of paint, the health of Mark Prior remains possibly the biggest key to the Cubs' season. The Cubs, with Prior reaching his potential, are a whole different team than they will be with Prior sitting on ice. Again.

5. The Yankees and A-Rod: Where to from here? If this were a children's book, it would read something like this: A boy named Alex didn't live up to expectations in New York." He was soooo sensitive that he kept making mistakes on and off the field because he was trying too hard. The boy just could not relax. He kept trying to please too many people, and in a city as big as New York, that is impossible. He needed Stuart Smalley around him 24/7 to keep whispering into his ear, 'Alex, you're good enough, you're strong enough, and doggone it, people like you.' But Smalley was off fighting the mean Republicans and couldn't help Alex. So Alex set off on his own with the intimidating Yankees for one last try. ..."

That last try is now, especially because A-Rod can opt out of his contract, ala J.D. Drew, following the 2007 season. So if he winds up batting eighth in the postseason again, the Yankees will encourage him to take a hike. And if he plays well, he likely will opt out because maybe he can make more money elsewhere. Bottom line: This has been a rocky relationship from the start, and even if every day was Valentine's Day, there still would be a shortage of hearts and flowers between A-Rod and the Yanks unless they win it all.

6. Roger Clemens: Now it always is Valentine's Day when romantics think of the Rocket's days with the Yankees. Will there be more? Or will Clemens decide to return to Houston, or even Boston? The story of Clemens galloping in to save the day for someone midway through the season has become as tired as anything involving Anna Nicole Smith, but until Clemens learns the meaning of the word "retire", such is our lot in life.

7. Big changes in Seattle? If the Mariners don't win, manager Mike Hargrove and general manager Bill Bavasi will be goners. If the Mariners do win and retain Hargrove, impending free agent Ichiro Suzuki might bolt for another destination (most likely a West Coast team) next winter. There is no perfect scenario here, but it will be fun to sit in Peoria, Ariz., and ponder the possibilities this spring while watching the sublime Felix Hernandez continue to grow into his spikes.

8. St. Louis' ice storm: Sure the Cardinals won their first World Series since 1982 last October, but does that mean manager Tony La Russa and third baseman Scott Rolen break the ice in Jupiter, Fla.? This was one of the weirdest stories of all last fall, a Cold War suddenly breaking out between a Hall of Fame manager and a quiet, no-nonsense, Gold Glove third baseman. La Russa already has signed a deal to turn his book Three Nights in August into a movie. This could be the ready-made sequel, Three Words over an Entire Season.

9. Can Frank Thomas and Mike Piazza repeat clutch performances for new teams? Toronto really, really needs a slugger to protect Vernon Wells, which is why the Blue Jays are hoping Thomas' return to good health last summer is permanent. Oakland really, really needs somebody to step in and fill the gaping hole in the lineup created when Thomas departed, which is why GM Billy Beane is taking a flier on Piazza.

10. Sammy Sosa: With most of his fellow Congressional testimony comrades in exile (Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco), Sammy is making a comeback with Texas. Wait. Who?

Best camps

A quick tour-guide for the discriminating fan who is taking that long-awaited trip to spring training this year:

1. Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Fla.: Hands down, the best venue in the game. Perfect combination of baseball, sun and the beauty of a college campus. And the Dodgers, looking to move to Arizona to be closer to their West Coast fan base, are short-timers here. A great spot will be open for somebody.

2. Tigertown in Lakeland, Fla.: Talk about tradition, the Tigers this weekend will begin their 71st spring training here. It's a pretty place, and Lakeland itself has more character than any Florida spring training town I've seen. Take in a movie or show at the historic Polk Theater while you're there.

3. Winter Haven, Fla.: Cleveland's camp is located right on a lake, which makes for a very picturesque setting. But like the Dodgers, the Indians are leaving for Arizona. Last one out of Florida, turn out the lights.

4. Tempe Diablo Stadium: It's kind of a screwed-up complex because the Angels -- and fans -- have to walk across parking lots to get to the back fields. But once Cactus League games begin, there is no better place to watch a spring game in Arizona or Florida than Tempe Diablo Stadium, which sits right at the base of the Wyndham Buttes Resort.

5. Ed Smith Stadium, Sarasota, Fla. Great place to see a game (and hope Cincinnati's Ken Griffey Jr. is healthy when you're there) and Sarasota is a jewel -- at least, Siesta Key, right on the Gulf Coast, is.

Worst camps

1. Atlanta Braves, Wide World of Sports, Orlando: Now you'll completely disagree with me if you're a Disney World person. Me, I'd prefer to sit and read Carl Hiassen's Team Rodent than spend any more time in the Orlando traffic and mob of people than I have to.

2. New York Yankees, Legends Field: You know the reputation spring training has for being laid back, manageable and with a lazy, carefree atmosphere? You won't find it here at this too-big-for-spring stadium.

3. New York Mets, Port St. Lucie, Fla. It has all the character of a prison building. And is there ever a day when the wind isn't blowing?

Most intriguing positional battles

1. Cleveland closer: Indians starters earned 58 of the team's 78 victories last year. There wasn't much relief, which is why GM Mark Shapiro signed every reliever he could over the winter and why Keith Foulke vs. Joe Borowski will be one of the heavyweight battles of the spring.

2. Boston closer: No potential ninth-inning-man will be more scrutinized than converting starter Joel Pineiro in Red Sox camp this spring as Jonathan Papelbon moves into the rotation.

3. Minnesota rotation: The Twins keep finding ways to win. Before they do that this year, though, they need to find starting pitchers. Brad Radke has retired and Francisco Liriano is out for the season following Tommy John ligament transfer surgery, leaving a whole bunch of openings after ace Johan Santana. Carlos Silva will be there, Boof Bonser probably will be there, and as for the rest, look for a dogfight among Matt Garza, Sidney Ponson, Ramon Ortiz, J.D. Durbin and Glen Perkins.

4. St. Louis rotation: Sure, the Cardinals are defending World Series champions, but glory is fleeting. They lost three-fifths of their rotation this winter -- Jeff Suppan, Jason Marquis and Jeff Weaver. That leaves Chris Carpenter and a whole bunch of questions. Mark Mulder will fit in but, coming back from surgery, not until June or July. Until then, Anthony Reyes, Kip Wells and Adam Wainwright must step up. Braden Looper will get a look. Brad Thompson? Ryan Franklin? All we know right now is this: Aside from Carpenter, this list of prospective starters combined to earn just seven victories last season -- five by Reyes and two by Wells. Yikes.

5. Atlanta infield: With Adam LaRoche having been traded to Pittsburgh (for reliever Mike Gonzalez) and with Marcus Giles having been cut loose (he's in San Diego), the Braves are uncertain at both first and second base. A 6-3, 235-pound rookie named Scott Thorman will go into camp the favorite to win the first-base job, with Craig Wilson -- the former Pirate -- also competing. Thorman slugged 15 homers at Triple-A Richmond last year and five in 128 at-bats for the Braves (while hitting .234). Kelly Johnson will be given every opportunity to win the second-base job, but even that might not be enough if hot prospect Martin Prado progresses this spring. Everybody agrees that Prado is the Braves' second baseman of the future. Question is, is the future here this spring?

6. New York Mets rotation: Pedro Martinez will not be available until midseason (hey, will he be hanging out with Clemens?). That means the Mets will line up with Tom Glavine, Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez and ... pick three: Oliver Perez ... John Maine ... Chan Ho Park ... Mike Pelphrey ... Philip Humber. ... Gentlemen, start your engines.

Three spring predictions

1. The Dodgers will trade a starting pitcher -- likely Brad Penny -- for a middle-of-the-lineup bat.
2. Joel Zumaya or Fernando Rodney will ascend to the closer's role and Detroit will deal Todd Jones.
3. Barry Bonds will open the season on the disabled list.

First impressions as equipment trucks roll south ... and west

Grapefruit League:

Atlanta: Better bullpen equals better season.

Baltimore: Miguel Tejada and the Seven Dwarfs. Again.

Boston: Manny Ramirez and Drew argue over who gets to take what days off when they sit down with the pocket schedule to plan their season.

Cincinnati: Hey Reds fans, want a good scare? Type the phrase "Cincinnati Reds owner" into Google and the first several references that come up are about Marge Schott, with Carl Lindner quickly following. Thank goodness for Bob Castellini -- I've said it before and will say it again, the club finally is in good hands with him in the owners' chair.

Cleveland: If I'm going to camp with Grady Sizemore, I'm a happy, happy guy.

Detroit: Stop for a moment and reflect on what could be with Gary Sheffield and Pudge Rodriguez in the same lineup.

Florida: Greetings Fredi Gonzalez ... now go get owner Jeffrey Loria another cup of coffee. And a bagel. And the morning paper. ...

Houston: Who gets to go into the tree house now that Andy Pettitte and, likely, Clemens, are gone? And three years from now, which will be more bloated, Carlos Lee or his six-year, $100 million contract? It'll be close.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Can you guys please find a cap that fits leadoff man Juan Pierre? Because Florida, Colorado and the Chicago Cubs couldn't find one that small, and Pierre shouldn't have to look like a 12-year-old kid.

Minnesota: Let's just hope that after Kirby Puckett's tragic death last spring that the Twins can get through this spring with all smiles.

New York Mets: Hernandez as the No. 2 starter on this killer team is like owning a '65 Ford Mustang with the engine of a '79 AMC Gremlin.

New York Yankees: Pettitte's homecoming will be a whole lot more emotional if the Yankees don't get bounced in the first round of the playoffs.

Philadelphia: Freddy Garcia = playoff-caliber team in Philly. Garcia + Ryan Howard and Chase Utley = the makings of the most memorable season in Philly in years.

Pittsburgh: Memo to Pirates: Tell yourself that you went 37-35 after the All-Star break last season, then jump up and click your heels three times. Repeat. Repeat again. And again. ...

St. Louis: Albert Pujols at the plate gives the Cardinals a man in scoring position even when the bases are empty ... and puts them in playoff position in April.

Tampa Bay: Memo to Delmon Young and B.J. Upton: You can't knock in runners and compile the stats for monster salaries from the suspended list.

Toronto: If Thomas smashes 39 homers and knocks in 114 runners again, I'll eat my computer keyboard.

Washington:Guys in the Witness Protection Program are more recognizable than this group of Nationals.

Cactus League

Arizona: All the ingredients to stay in contention this year in the even NL West. Especially if Randy Johnson's back stays in one piece.

Chicago Cubs: Piniella in the dugout from April through September is much more interesting than Piniella in the television booth in October. And Piniella was good on the tube, too.

Chicago White Sox: Here's predicting that Darin Erstad not only makes this club, but becomes a key contributor.

Colorado: Last dance for GM Dan O'Dowd and manager Clint Hurdle? Let's just say that the Rockies better improve in 2007.

Kansas City: So far, new GM Dayton Moore is all about stockpiling pitching. So far, excellent idea.

Los Angeles Angels: No marquee middle-of-the-order slugger as promised. On the bright side, if first baseman Casey Kotchman makes it through camp without contracting mononucleosis again he should be a better player this summer than last.

Milwaukee: Top two candidates for surprise team of the year in the NL: Arizona and Milwaukee.

Oakland: Attention, Rich Harden. Now is your time. If you can't stay healthy this year, it's time to check into getting your real estate license or something.

San Diego: Let's get this Kevin Kouzmanoff thing started at third base and see if the kid really is worth trading Josh Barfield.

San Francisco: Given average age of this year's Giants, they'll be stocking Ensure in the AT&T Park clubhouse instead of Gatorade this summer.

Seattle: Miguel Batista and Jeff Weaver won't be Cy Young candidates, but they will work well in pitcher-friendly Safeco Field and make the Mariners a better team. Count on it.

Texas: Can new manager Ron Washington be the difference maker in Texas? He can't pitch, but I know one thing: Washington is such a unique, positive personality that it's about time somebody gave him a chance to see what he could do.