The myth of the male mid-life crisis

"Men in the middle" are men in a rut ... or so all the talk about the male mid-life crisis would have us believe. What a nice Father's Day gift it would be if that prevailing wisdom turned out to be wrong. Our Cover Story is reported now by Barry Petersen:

It can go zero to sixty in about three seconds, hit 200 miles an hour. A mean machine ... and for some, a time machine.

Most buyers of Corvettes are men in middle age, feeding the notion that they are chasing their youth.

At Rydell Chevrolet in Northridge, Calif., sales manager Rick Piedalue says the guys who buy Corvettes - average age 60 - know exactly what they're getting: They're buying "the fantasy," he said.

A fantasy to ward off a special evil - the male mid-life crisis.

The term was coined in 1965 by Canadian psychoanalyst Elliot Jaques, and it started with fear, says Margie Lachman a psychologist at Brandeis University in Massachusetts.

She was part of the most in-depth study ever done in the United States on the mid-life crisis.

"They were afraid of aging; they felt that their life was over," said Lachman. "They realized they had not accomplished all their goals, and had not been able to realize their dreams. And they thought it was too late, that there was really no more time to do this."

The concept is so widely-accepted, it's often blamed for men behaving badly, from Anthony Weiner, to Arnold Schwarzenegger, to Bill Clinton ... and beyond.

And from "The Seven Year Itch" to "American Beauty" to "Moonstruck," it's one of Hollywood's go-to themes.

But as it turns out, our assumptions are wrong. Surprisingly, Lachman's research shows that for most men it's more fiction than fact. Very few men - perhaps only 10 to 12 percent - have anything approaching a crisis.

"Your numbers would suggest that the vast majority of people take this in stride?" asked Petersen. "85, 90%?"

"I would say they do," Lachman said. "We find a lot of things going on in mid-life that are very positive. I think mid-life is a time where people are in the top of their game, in a sense, in the workforce, in their family. So in some ways I think mid-life should be associated more with competence and confidence than a crisis."

However small the numbers might be, a lot of men THINK it's real, and so is their fear.

And fear is driving a booming business promising to reverse mid-life aging.

"People look at me and they say, 'You look amazing from the neck down.' And I tell them that no one is more amazed than I am," said Dr. Jeffrey Life, who runs a clinic in Las Vegas.

He thinks he has the answer: Testosterone. A patient would get a vial of testosterone, "and then you draw that out into a syringe and inject it into the muscle of your leg once a week,' said Dr. Life.

Most men's testosterone levels peak in their late 20s, and decline steadily - about 1% a year after age 30.

Dr. Life says, stop the decline, and YOU regain your youth.

"I mean, I do things today, at age 72, that I would never have even considered doing ten years ago," he said. "I'm working on my black belt in tae kwon do. I lift weights five mornings a week with Rod, my trainer. I wrote a book. I mean, these are things that I could not have done ten, 15 years ago."

His body is his proof - after 8 years of taking testosterone.

"However we define mid-life - let's just throw out there as 50-ish - how many men at that age do you think need the kind of therapy that you offer?" asked Petersen.

"Which would include the correcting testosterone deficiencies, exercise, nutrition supplementation: 100 percent," said Dr. Life. "Everybody."

And Dr. Life isn't alone. Testosterone HAS gone mainstream, jumping from ads in the back of men's magazines, to slick commercials on network television.

The TV ad says your golf swing will get better ... your sex life will get better.

The result: Sales of testosterone products have shot up as if they are on, well, steroids - from $550 million in 2006, to $1.3 billion in 2010.

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[Rollercoasterider]

This story is not about midlife crisis (MLC); it seems to me that it is more about midlife transition and opportunity-embracing the journey.
Does it matter if MLC is an epidemic or not? I don't think it's an epidemic and I run a website about MLC. To me it simply matters that it happens to some and it happens to enough men and women that it may damages families.
MLC is not about men buying corvettes. Sure, some do that, but to focus on the fast car stereotype avoids the deeper issues and extensive pain and damage.
Of course midlife can be a wonderful opportunity and how wonderful it would be if everyone embraced the opportunity. But that is not the case. Some men and woman experience profound confusion and depression and yes, they may experience these at other life transitions as well. But it's not just about fear of death or fear of aging.
A lot of studies are from surveys of self-reported data. People in MLC deny it, and thus I find self-reporting to be possibly the least reliable source. I also don't have answers to more reliable data collection-sorry.
But for me what is important is that it does happen to some people. For a person experiencing MLC directly or indirectly it doesn't matter if only 10% of their peers are having a similar experience; it doesn't matter if it only happens to left-handed green-eyed men who marry trapeze artists. What matters is that it is happening; it is real and painful. Midlife Transition is a time for Self-questioning, thus it is a quest. It is about change; denial and attempts to avoid the transition yield crisis.
I work with the spouses of MLCers. They need support and guidance as their MLCer turns on them, often blaming the spouse for everything that is wrong and then leaves for an affair partner and threatens divorce. Some follow through on the threats quickly, but for many the threats are empty and they simply leave.
This story feeds into the stereotype of MLC rather than offering help and insights and dismisses those who are experiencing the reality. Stories on midlife as an opportunity are important too, but too often such stories use the opportunity to dismiss the crisis. Both are real.

Rollercoasterider
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/index.html

[DrJohnSmith]

I understand Dr. Pearls doesn't like the business/marketing end of this but to deny the hundreds of studies on the benefits of testosterone replacement for deficient individuals is illogical and closed minded. He has a crusade against doctors & patients trying to fight the undeniable metabolic, cellular & hormonal changes with aging. Many of us don't want to get old like our parents and we have the right to use science in a medically monitored fashion to fight the aging process. This isn't about a wonder drug, its about lifestyle changes and hormone & metabolic treatments when indicated, a whole package. Wonder if Dr. Pearls also hates stem cell therapies too...because that is next. People like Pearls have the right to not participate in any of these treatments, for me, I want to look and feel like Dr. Life when I am 72.

[Phoenix_Mens_Counseling]

Men really do struggle with mid-life crises. After decades of not dealing with their problems - bad marriages, not connecting with their kids, miserable jobs - a lot of men resort to making the quick turnaround changes in their lives that they think will bring them happiness, but it often doesn't. These men buy flashier cars, seek out extramarital relationships, start to bulk up...but inside, they haven't resolved their grief, insecurities and failure to achieve their life goals. On the outside, men are attempting to reconcile that inner turmoil. As a counselor for men in Phoenix, AZ, I can tell you that without emotional awareness, improved communication skills, and getting in touch with the reality of their lives, many men will continue to deal with this phenomenon, and not just at mid-life! Men of all ages deal with this. I work with guys in their 30's and 40's who are dealing with these kinds of issues. See my blog at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com for more tips, articles and help understanding men and men's relationships, mental health, confidence and other issues native to men's psychology. Thanks!

[ExWifeofMLCer]

I agree that a mid-life crisis is triggered by unresolved childhood issues; however, being the ex-wife of a man that is going through a mid-life crisis, the 'bad marriages' that you wrote about is not always necessarily the case. Men and/or women in MLC tend to blame the marriage for their unhappiness when that isn't always the case. Honestly, I thought that I had the best marriage - my husband and I laughed every day, got along GREAT and felt as though we didn't have a worry in the world. Then, when he hit 45, BAM - he wanted out of the marriage; said he had been miserable for years, was having an affair - I asked him to leave our home. I did, however, recognize that my husband was in turmoil; I didn't get nasty with him - didn't scream or yell or call him a cheater; I simply let him be to let him deal with his demons from the past (he was molested as a child and never dealt with it). It has been over a year and he is still with his 'friend' but seeks me out to see if I am still 'there' for him. I have moved on, but I do think that once he gets help from a counselor re: his childhood issues, he will realize that he let go of something pretty great to satisfy an urge; to try and stop his inner-emotional downward spiral.

[seansour]

Give me a break on mid-life being around 50 years of age! How many of us are going to live to 100? Let's be realistic that mid-life is around 38.

[dpphot]

Your are right. Confuscius said by 30 he knew where to stand, i.e., men become more decisive, maybe more rigid in their mid-30's. Sport stars retire (Tiger Woods current state).

[DrJohnSmith]

Agreed, age 40 is when many of us realize things are changing physically. Sure some of it is psychological but its much more than that.

[newsizfake]

Yawn. When men wonder about why they're toiling away in some unrewarding role as life ticks away, it's a "mid-life crisis" and they're just being man-children. When a woman does it, she's re-affirming herself, and it becomes a Julia Roberts movie.

BTW: Testosterone and human growth hormone used in a clinical setting, combined with diet and exercise, work wonders. Testosterone and HGH taken by aging men who have poor diet and lifestyle patterns increases their risk for a host of illnesses. Whenever you seek a doctor for health choices (and quick quotes for shallow articles) make sure that physician is healthy themselves. Otherwise their qualifications mean little.

[DrJohnSmith]

Agree, just like any medication, too much is problematic. These therapies need to be monitored and only used with appropriate patients. Thankfully, there are doctors & organizations that are providing standards and research, unlike 10-15yrs ago.

[rf35]

Screw the Corvette...I'm buying a Harley when I turn 45. I was planning on using "midlife crisis" as an excuse.

[erasmus111]

"But as it turns out, our assumptions are wrong."


All these studies are just a bunch of bullcrap. One minute they have proved that men have midlife crisis, and now all of sudden they don't. Which is it? Do we believe this study, or the last one? They need to stop wasting money on this stuff because they really don't know anything for sure. Men are obviously going to go with this one.

[cerdo_tserda]

... never though this was a real problem. My ex-wife left me and the kids when she was approaching 40. She never came back, is seeing the kids like a grandmother (once a week or by phone), and went browsing men for a while, chnged house 2x every year. Hmmm... "mid life"?? Crisis for me!

... yes I am into cars, high speed, but from 1920, a Bugatti! A wonderful toy which is far less complicated than my ex-wife or whatever woman I have met after separation (11 years ago).

I guess, nature didn't plan anything "mid life", because naturally, humans are made for a life span of 40-50 years... what we observe is a product of our artificial extension of life span. It looks like our psyche cannot really cope with it in all cases... The life from 50 to 100 years old makes biologically absolutely no sense at all. It is an academic or pleasure add-on to what is biologically necessary for reproduction. Or, should we (men) have additionaol children after 50?

[AnnieDanny]

For those who do make the decision to go all-out for a male mid-life crisis, they do it up in dramatic bad-boy all-out vicious selfish STYLE. I don't think it's a myth because I've seen it too often. Shame on those who've done it!! They walk away from beautiful women and children, without good reasons - and turn themselves into the monster from *ell. I really don't think they'll ever be able to make it right even if they repent later on.

To say it's a myth is not right, it shouldn't be spoken of lightly - because it's an astonishing phenomenon when it happens and it seems to have the same characteristics every time: the guy no longer gives a *amn about anything or anybody but himself. It didn't happen to me but it did happen to several good, fine women that I knew personally. All the men were in their mid-thirties when they changed for the worst. And worst is not a misspelling or grammar error.

[dikedrummond]

It really helps to keep in mind that the word "crisis" comes from a Greek Root that simply means "Decision". You get to a point in your life where you realize you can make a decision to change. You can get more of what you want ... now that you know what that is.

And these crises are normal events in all of our lives ... at least a half a dozen times before we die. The key is to take the drama and struggle and the red sports car out of the situation.

A functional midlife crisis is a skill we can all learn and shooting up with testosterone is NOT the answer. Doing the most you can with what you've got in the time that remains ... is the point.

And as we age we learn more and more about what is really important and why we are each here in the first place ... and can organize our lives around these principles ... that is the opportunity of the midlife crisis when you embrace it.

My two cents,

****
**** Drummond MD
http://www.threehourmidlifecrisis.com


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