Should You Be Friends With Your Kids?

(CBS)  Is it ever a good idea to be friends with your children?

In our new "Eye on Parenting" series, "Early Show" contributor and child and adolescent psychologist Dr. Jennifer Hartstein said parents who become too friendly with their kids are in "dangerous waters."

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She said, "I think in a lot of families there's a lot more in common. Kids are waching the same shows as their parents, listening to the same music. But as a result, there's this really fine line that's being crossed. It's good to be friends with your kids, but the best friend -- being involved in everything -- it's a little dangerous."

"Early Show" co-anchor Erica Hill pointed out parents often feel tempted to become a child's best friend because they want their child to feel comfortable enough to tell them anything.

But Hartstein warned, "You're never at the same level at your kid. As a parent, there's a power differential. I don't ask my friends to buy the dress from the store. I ask my friends to talk to me about the problems in my life. I don't ask my friends to tell them what to do all the time as I might ask my mom. There's a difference. There's a boundary issue there. Once it's crossed it's really hard to go back."

So how do you know if you're crossing that line from parent to friend?

Hartstein said, "It's a tough thing and you want to take a step back and ask, 'Why am I wanting to be my child's friend? Why do I want this friendship? Do I need something from my child? Is it giving me more than it's giving them?' That's the first thing. We also want to know, 'Do my kids ask me for guidance?' Meaning, are they going to tell me -- am I offering them guidance in school like how to handle the situation or am I going in and solving it? That's important. The last thing, we want to know, what's your own relationship with your parent? If your dad was sit down and watching the baseball game and offering you a beer at 15, you may want to repeat that, but it may not be the best thing for your kids -- it teaches them the wrong thing."

As for access to your child, Hartstein says you may want to limit this to a certain degree because you may actually get more information than you want from your kids.

"It may be too much information because then you're not going to be sure what to do," she said. "...It's important to set the tone for open and honest communication, and do fun things together, but not necessarily ask for everything."

Instead, to help foster openness without crossing the line, Hartstein suggests these tips:

• Create a safe space for you to talk to your kids.
• Watch kids' TV shows with them and talk about the shows.
• Know who your kids are hanging out with and their friends' parents.

Hill added, "If you can strike that balance, which is a daily struggle, it could really set you up for a great relationship down the road as you get older."

[puddinsmommy]

While I agree that structure is needed in a child's life, I also know the benefits of having my mom be my best friend and I fully intend on being my daughter's best friend as well. My reason is that while I was growing up, my mom treated me like an adult when we had conversations. Those conversations included school, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. I ended up being more responsible than most of my classmates who spent every weeekend out using drugs and having sex (most ended up pregnant in high school or acloholics/drug addicts). I believe this was simply because I felt like I could talk to my mom about anything and my friends from school couldn't. My mom and dad understood and seriously talked with me instead of being an overpowering parent. My question is why would you not want to be friends with your child? A strong parent can be their child's best friend and their children will respect them enough to listen to their opinions. I did not go against my parents and never hit a rebellious stage because my mom treated me like I was her friend and the feeling to not disappoint her was stronger with me than with most children that do not have this advantage. Being best friends was probably the best thing she could have ever done with me. I think the insecurity does not lie with parents who want to be friends with their children but with parents who feel that being friends is a bad thing because the child may not respect them.

[jackpenn]

Absolutely not........parents should become friends with their children after they have proved themselves, and have grown up into mature, accomplished adults with responsibilities, demonstrating what they have learned from their parents, and continuing the process of good parenting when raising their own children. The biggest mistake parents can make in raising their children, is to think their children must have it easier then they did growing up. This is the problem with children today, their parents make their life too easy, and then they don't know how to handle responsibility when they have to. The way you would treat your friends, is not the way you should treat your children. "Spare the rod; spoil the child."

[mswolfestock]

It's not about being your kid's friend: it's about respecting your kid, it's about building a relationship based on mutual trust and respect. My parents definitely did not try to be my friend, but they didn't trust or respect me, either. In turn I couldn't trust my parents and because of that I didn't respect them. It was a totally toxic relationship and I left home 3 weeks after high school graduation and I never went back. It has taken most of my adult life for me to figure this out and get beyond the damage they did because they were not "parents," they were merely the egg donor and the sperm donor. I learned about real family values from my second husband's family.

[erasmus111]

"Should You Be Friends With Your Kids?"


NO. Worse thing you can do. They don't need another friend, they need parents. Something kids today seem to be lacking.

[erasmus111]

"Should You Be Friends With Your Kids?"


NO. Worse thing you can do. They don't need another friend, they need parents. Something kids today are lacking.