The Uncomfortable Truths Of Fatherhood

(CBS)  Now that the Father's Day cards have been opened and the new ties unwrapped, it's time to acknowledge some paternal truths.

At least, that's what noted financial writer and three-time dad Michael Lewis believes. He sat down for a Father's Day interview CBS News business correspondent Anthony Mason.

Not long after he became a parent, Lewis says he realized he was participating in "an extended cover up."

Lewis: I discovered four or five months after becoming a father that I was already lying to other people about it, and that bothered me that I was already whitewashing the situation. So I started to keep this journal.

That journal is now a book, "Home Game: An Accidental Guide To Fatherhood."

Mason: Were you ever surprised at some of the feelings you put down?

Lewis: Yes. .. I was surprised more generally by how inappropriate so much of what I felt was.

It's an amusing, unsweetened look at being a dad. Lewis says his own father wasn't much help as a role model.

Lewis: I remember most vividly was when I was struggling with an infant. And he looked at me and he had this expression on his face, that's like… I couldn't quite figure out if he was thinking, 'Oh you poor sucker.' Whatever it was, ... I looked at him and he said, "I didn't talk to you until you were 21 years old."

Mason: Have you ever said to yourself, "I want my dad's deal?"

Lewis: Oh yeah. Oh my God, have I ever said it to myself? That was the war inside myself when our first child was born. I mean, I knew it was socially unacceptable to want my dad's deal. I knew that's not something that you would ever say, uh, and certainly not in the presence of your wife.

Mason: You even confessed to the odd murderous impulse?

Lewis: I was standing on a balcony - at six weeks after my first child was born.

As his daughter Quinn screamed in his arms, Lewis says he considered what he'd do "if it wasn't against the law to hurl her off."

Lewis: Now it wasn't a very high balcony. So I'm not sure it was an actually murderous thought. But it was nevertheless a taboo thought and I was aware it was a taboo thought.

It was not love at first sight with his children, Quinn, Dixie and Walker, who are now 10, 7 and 2. Lewis writes: "It's only in caring for a thing that you become attached to it." Like when his infant son was rushed to the hospital...

Lewis: He got very sick. He got RSV, he couldn't breathe and I got a call from Tabitha, my wife.

(Lewis' wife, Tabitha Soren, is a professional photographer. She took the pictures of the couple's children included in this story.)

Lewis stayed with him for days.

Lewis: It was incredibly moving. You could see that even though he was just a few months old and he was suffering, there was a kind of bravery about how he was … kind of, he was chipper. He was trying to be chipper. And it and for the first time I developed real feelings for him, in this kind of crisis situation.

Mason: I've had this feeling for years that my father was a lot like your father, not particularly involved. And I would always say to myself in moments that I though I wasn't doing particularly well, 'Well I'm doing better than he did."

Lewis: You're grading on a curve. Well that's kind of how I do it too. You can always find somebody who is doing it worse. We have going for us the fact that we stand on the shoulders of midgets. … They were wonderful for their time, but for our time, they totally flunk. And so it's the one area, changing a poo-swim diaper, is something I know I do better than my father. I mean, I can say that. And I can be proud of that.

Watch an extended version of Mason's interview with author Michael Lewis:


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[sandy19731]

As a psychotherapist the interesting thing about these comments is the disbelief that some parents love their children differently than you do. Some of you need to get some empathy. Listen to other people. They are not just like you. And, some people should not be parents, maybe the only way to keep them from becoming parents is be honest about what the job entails. It is emotionally exhausting, few parents share the responsibility 50-50, and will cost at least $250,000. to raise an infant born today to the age of 18.

[rf35]

My wife and I chose not to have children so we are familiar with the social stigma cs4466 mentions. Considering my own upbrining and my experiences with my brothers (9 years younger), I don't think I would have been a good father. I felt it would be unfair all involved to have a child that I didn't want. Maybe Mr. Lewis should have thought it over more before deciding to have a child, let alone three of them.

The children themselves will eventually read this book and make a therapist a lot of money.

What I used to say in jest, I am now thinking about as less of a joke and more of a good idea: people should be required to get a license to reproduce. In fact, a separate one for each child they plan to have. Enforcement would be simple...an unlicensed child would result in total cutoff of the parents from ALL government-funded programs. No welfare, no social security, no WIC, no Medicare/Medicaid, nothing at all from federal, state, or local governments. And of course, take the child to be put up for adoption by a properly licensed couple. I bet THAT would cut down unwanted pregnancies, not to mention help control the population explosion. No licenses for anyone after their second child.

[cs4466]

There's this weird social notion that goes back for ages. That men are supposed to get married and have children. The truth is that not all men are going to be good fathers. Many wouldn't even consider it if it weren't a social stigma not to. Even more land in it without intending to. Fatherhood is a wonderful thing, but to say it is for everyone is naivete in the extreme. I think society would be a lot happier place if men and women were simply accepted for who they are and not forced into these chains of social "norms".

[samlltownmn]

As a father of triplets and having them born 12 weeks early, I can fully relate to his comments about them fighting and trying to put up a good front. Now 9 months, whenever they get a bug, its serious business. Our boy, still will smile and laugh even when fighting for air. Unlike Lewis, I felt an instant, bond to my children when born, but yet again they were born in crisis situation. I understand where he is coming from 100%, they are thoughts alone and never would you ever act on them.

[rwsmith29456]

Being a son yourself and fatherhood has it's rough spots, but it's nothing like this. I don't care to read any more of Mr. Lewis' ideas. I hope he gets help with his issues.

[John_Merritt]

Almost scary listening to some of the stuff he puts down on paper. The latent effects of fatherhood impacts the young more than the father. It sounds like counseling may be in store for all parties down the road. Sorry, I call it as I see it.

[erasmus111]

by cheteunice June 21, 2009 7:22 PM PDT

I replied my job, the weather, my drive over here--doesn't matter. It's the sound of our voices that matters.


Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. I bet you are a good dad. I have to admit that I was surprised that your wife couldn't talk to your baby and you could. Thank you for sharing your story, and Happy Father's Day.

[cheteunice]

There's also the other side. My son was in the Neonatal Intensive care Unit. When I went into see him, the nurses instructed me to stroke his stomach/arms/legs and talk to him. When I left, I met my wife for dinner and told her about the experience of stroking his stomach and talking to him. Her comment was 'I didn't know what to say. What did you talk about?' I replied my job, the weather, my drive over here--doesn't matter. It's the sound of our voices that matters.

[ronaldr5-2009]

For some time now, CBS has served up varieties of jaundiced journalism to those willing to suffer it. I, therefore, don't understand why this particular article should generate any surpises or outpourings of disdain.

Instead, try turning off the computer; give your Dad a call, and don't mention to him what you read here. There's always tomorrow for more of what CBS has to offer.

[erasmus111]

by msdenny2 June 21, 2009 5:59 PM PDT
Anyone who has NEVER had a moment in their minds ...such as...'It is definitely time for this kid to be quiet'


Of course we have all had the thought of "it's definitely time for this kid to be quiet", but most people's thoughts aren't of throwing their kid off a balcony.