Recession-Proof Your Relationship

Tips For Keeping Love Strong During Financial Hardship

(CBS)  In the United States today, many married couples are facing greater financial difficulty than ever before. And job loss (or the mere fear of job loss) can put some very realistic stressors on marriages.

On The Early Show Monday, in the first part of the series "Family Matters," which takes a look at the economy's impact on family dynamics, CBS News correspondent Michele Gielan talked to a New York couple, Tina and Stan Crouch, about the impact of tough economic times on their marriage. And Dr. Mel Schwartz, a psychotherapist, told Gielan he's seeing more and more couples dealing with depression and anxiety -- factors that can really put a marriage to the test.

Then, co-anchor Harry Smith interviewed Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a family therapist, who's written a book called "Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker," about keeping couples financially healthy and intimate.

Money is never a topic that brings out the best in people, she told CBS News. If you're not talking about your goals and your bills honestly, you might be committing "financial infidelity," which can cause the downfall of many a healthy relationship. Money is a sensitive topic, and it causes a lot of resentments and frustration. In fact, she added, it's a leading cause of breakups and divorce.

Here are some of the tips Eaker Weil gave:

Keep Money Separate from the Rest of the Relationship

Dr. Weil encourages her patients to separate money talks from the rest of the relationship. One way to do that, according to her book, is setting up pre-determined weekly discussions about money, then removing the money factor out of everything else you do. Don't argue about the expensive dinner you're eating when the bill comes, or fight about coupons in the grocery check out line. You should have already decided that the dinner or high-end groceries were an extravagance you were wiling to spend on that week -- during that pre-determined financial discussion time.

Have an Agenda During Financial Discussions

Try to work out an agenda for those weekly financial discussions. Certain things that should always be on that agenda are bills you have to pay this week, how much they'd take out of your budget, and what the week ahead looks like. Look at your bills for the week, then examine how much expendable income, or "play money" you have, she says. And always make sure, if you can, that there's some play money, because when there isn't any, then your life starts to feel restricted, and you start to feel resentful.

Coordinate both of your schedules, and make sure the appointment and the time limit are stuck to.

"Only 10 minutes," she told Smith. "And men need extra time-outs during that 10 minutes, because they get overwhelmed."

Dr. Weil also suggests drawing a financial family tree. Was your mom a big spender or did she tighten everyone's reigns when she did the books? Did your dad hate spending on clothes but loved splurging too much on the latest expensive gadget? Taking some time to understand where your habits come from will help you understand why you spend money the way you do today and help you take charge of future spending. If you feel the kids are old enough, maybe have them to join some of these weekly discussions. That way, they might understand the value and difficulty of making money, and come to a greater understanding of where their financial habits come from.

Do Something Fun and Physical After Discussion

Dr. Weil's last piece of advice is to force yourself to do something fun those discussions, like taking a long walk, cooking a nice dinner, or being affectionate.

She says it forces you to take the "toxicity" out of the discussion you just had, and as a result, your mind and body start to associate the finances with fun. Doing something you enjoy upon the immediate conclusion of your financial talks makes them something to look forward to, not dread, so make sure you have plenty of time after your discussion to participate in something great. And making sure the activity is physical will also give your body time to release the tension from the discussion you just had.

---

More from Dr. Weil's book:
Read another excerpt from the book
Exercise #1: Create a "money-gram"
Exercise #2: Create a "money tree"
Exercise #3: Create a "mirror on the wall"

[ejegolightly]

if you are looking for more ideas, Shoestring magazine covered this topic in February: http://www.shoestringmag.com/budgets-banking/recession-proof-your-relationship