March 29, 2009 11:14 PM
- Text
Those Cheatin' Newlyweds!
(CBS)
The honeymoon is over much more quickly for some newlyweds than you may think.
A new study shows more and more are cheating on their spouses.
"Last year," says Women's Health magazine, which reported on the study, "researchers at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors who analyzed data on infidelity taken from the General Social Survey found that roughly 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under age 35 copped to cheating on their spouses in 2006 (the latest figures available), up from 15 and 12 percent, respectively, 15 years earlier."
On The Early Show Saturday Edition, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. a relationship therapist, discussed the reasons for early infidelity, how to tell if you've got a potential cheater on your hands, and what to do about it.
Weil, who's written several books on cheating, including "Adultery: The Forgivable Sin," told co-anchor Erica Hill the numbers in the study are probably way too low.
Hill pointed out that those are the people who actually admit to it.
And Weil observed, "I would say it's probably more than half because, you know what happens: There's such a contrast and a letdown. Here you are in the honeymoon stage, when you're engaged, basking in those hormones and feeling so wonderful, and then, all of a sudden, smack, you go into a power struggle.
"Everyone that cheats has an intimacy problem," Weil continued. "If you think about it, infidelity is not about a decision-making process, but monogamy is a decision to stay faithful. And, if you're having an intimacy problem, you're not thinking clearly."
Why are more newlyweds cheating? "Because," Weil responded, "they have intimacy problems. They just didn't realize it. And the Internet doesn't help us."
Weil says there are early warning signs to be aware of: "If they have opposite sex friends, too many of them, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag. Also, are these friends cheating [as well]? Also, does your partner drink too much? Because that's a ... high, And when that's over, then they go to adultery, which gives you a high."
Heavy drinkers Weil explained, are "looking to self-medicate, and adultery is a high, like a narcotic love drug, actually.
"Also, the Internet is a sign, and I tell people to look at the cheat-o-gram, which is a family tree to see, three-generationally, what is the family doing. Is adultery part of that? And what is the belief of your partner -- does he or she think it's OK?"
And what if you spot signs that lead you to conclude your new spouse may have a roving eye, or worse?
Is there hope of heading off adultery?
"Absolutely," Weil asserted. ... My parents stayed together, and my father cheated. You have to do the work because, actually, it's a cry for help and it's a wake-up call. It's a dysfunctional attempt to try to stabilize the relationship."
"It's interesting," Hill remarked, "I feel as if all this stuff always comes back to communication issues, one of the most important things in a marriage."
The following is a more in-depth discussion Weil had with CBS News:
DO THOSE NUMBERS SURPRISE YOU?
Not at all. There is such a contrast between the honeymoon phase of a marriage and the marriage itself. When you're in the honeymoon phase, you have all these lovely endorphins in your brain, they make you feel the excitement and the pleasure of this new marriage. But then, when you actually get into the marriage, it goes immediately into the power struggle phase. We forget that marriage can be fun, and it can become a job, especially for men. The amount of intimacy that marriage calls for can also surprise newlyweds. People who are commitment-phobic will have an affair in the first year of their marriage. Newlyweds feel stressed, because they feel that they are losing themselves, suddenly it's about the "we" and not the "I". That's also tougher for men, who are mostly about the "I". Women are more about the "we". An affair can be an escape hatch, as well as an intimacy blocker. Remember, just because you're married, doesn't mean you're committed.
AND THESE NUMBERS SEEM TO BE RISING. WHY IS THAT?
For one thing, newlyweds aren't really newlyweds anymore. Millions of couples are living together before they get married. Of course, living together isn't the same thing as being married. Living together doesn't require the same intimacy level as marriage. It's a kind of "pseudo-intimacy" that even people who are potential cheaters can handle. Co-habiting doesn't require the same level of commitment as marriage. But the intimacy level rises when you get married. Also, we're all on the internet now, and that is one tool that makes it very easy to cheat. There is pornography, there are websites dedicated for finding partners for married people who want to cheat. If they go to the internet, they may feel they're not cheating, but it will eventually lead to sex.
A new study shows more and more are cheating on their spouses.
"Last year," says Women's Health magazine, which reported on the study, "researchers at the University of Washington Center for the Study of Health and Risk Behaviors who analyzed data on infidelity taken from the General Social Survey found that roughly 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under age 35 copped to cheating on their spouses in 2006 (the latest figures available), up from 15 and 12 percent, respectively, 15 years earlier."
On The Early Show Saturday Edition, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. a relationship therapist, discussed the reasons for early infidelity, how to tell if you've got a potential cheater on your hands, and what to do about it.
Weil, who's written several books on cheating, including "Adultery: The Forgivable Sin," told co-anchor Erica Hill the numbers in the study are probably way too low.
Hill pointed out that those are the people who actually admit to it.
And Weil observed, "I would say it's probably more than half because, you know what happens: There's such a contrast and a letdown. Here you are in the honeymoon stage, when you're engaged, basking in those hormones and feeling so wonderful, and then, all of a sudden, smack, you go into a power struggle.
"Everyone that cheats has an intimacy problem," Weil continued. "If you think about it, infidelity is not about a decision-making process, but monogamy is a decision to stay faithful. And, if you're having an intimacy problem, you're not thinking clearly."
Why are more newlyweds cheating? "Because," Weil responded, "they have intimacy problems. They just didn't realize it. And the Internet doesn't help us."
Weil says there are early warning signs to be aware of: "If they have opposite sex friends, too many of them, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag. Also, are these friends cheating [as well]? Also, does your partner drink too much? Because that's a ... high, And when that's over, then they go to adultery, which gives you a high."
Heavy drinkers Weil explained, are "looking to self-medicate, and adultery is a high, like a narcotic love drug, actually.
"Also, the Internet is a sign, and I tell people to look at the cheat-o-gram, which is a family tree to see, three-generationally, what is the family doing. Is adultery part of that? And what is the belief of your partner -- does he or she think it's OK?"
And what if you spot signs that lead you to conclude your new spouse may have a roving eye, or worse?
Is there hope of heading off adultery?
"Absolutely," Weil asserted. ... My parents stayed together, and my father cheated. You have to do the work because, actually, it's a cry for help and it's a wake-up call. It's a dysfunctional attempt to try to stabilize the relationship."
"It's interesting," Hill remarked, "I feel as if all this stuff always comes back to communication issues, one of the most important things in a marriage."
The following is a more in-depth discussion Weil had with CBS News:
DO THOSE NUMBERS SURPRISE YOU?
Not at all. There is such a contrast between the honeymoon phase of a marriage and the marriage itself. When you're in the honeymoon phase, you have all these lovely endorphins in your brain, they make you feel the excitement and the pleasure of this new marriage. But then, when you actually get into the marriage, it goes immediately into the power struggle phase. We forget that marriage can be fun, and it can become a job, especially for men. The amount of intimacy that marriage calls for can also surprise newlyweds. People who are commitment-phobic will have an affair in the first year of their marriage. Newlyweds feel stressed, because they feel that they are losing themselves, suddenly it's about the "we" and not the "I". That's also tougher for men, who are mostly about the "I". Women are more about the "we". An affair can be an escape hatch, as well as an intimacy blocker. Remember, just because you're married, doesn't mean you're committed.
AND THESE NUMBERS SEEM TO BE RISING. WHY IS THAT?
For one thing, newlyweds aren't really newlyweds anymore. Millions of couples are living together before they get married. Of course, living together isn't the same thing as being married. Living together doesn't require the same intimacy level as marriage. It's a kind of "pseudo-intimacy" that even people who are potential cheaters can handle. Co-habiting doesn't require the same level of commitment as marriage. But the intimacy level rises when you get married. Also, we're all on the internet now, and that is one tool that makes it very easy to cheat. There is pornography, there are websites dedicated for finding partners for married people who want to cheat. If they go to the internet, they may feel they're not cheating, but it will eventually lead to sex.
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