Nov. 16, 2008
The Stories Behind Sex Addiction
How Desire And Powerlessness Can Lead To A Compulsion For Sexual Behavior
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"Joe" says his addiction to sex ruled his life, and ruined his two marriages. (CBS)
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Photo Essay Sex & Politics Some elected officials whose libidos have gotten them in hot water.
It's the subject of summer blockbusters, like "Sex and the City." It sells magazines, and destroys politicians (see Spitzer, Elliot).
It's that salacious subject: Sex.
Look around … sex is everywhere. And as Americans, it seems like addiction is everywhere, too. Lately, my "addiction" seems to be to cappuccino. But can we be addicted to sex?
Before you dismiss the idea of "sex addiction," consider these two stories: author Susan Cheever, on a journey to understand it; and a man we'll call "Joe" (who's asked us to conceal his identity) …
How did Joe's addiction begin?
"When I was 14 - 13, 14 - I thought I invented masturbation. I thought it was great."
Joe says he's battled sex addiction for decades. With adult magazines, prostitutes, massage parlors, and then Internet porn, "It just got worse and worse, to where, you know, at my previous job I was doin' it two, four hours a day."
"You were looking at pornography at work?" asked Doane.
"Yeah, yeah."
He says it ruled his life, and ruined his two marriages.
"When I'm in the mind frame of wantin' to do pornography, you don't think about anything else. You're focused on getting that high, getting that adrenaline rush."
A rush that seems to be as powerful as it can be difficult to discuss.
"People are embarrassed," Susan Cheever said. "There's a lot of shame around this subject."
Susan Cheever is the daughter of the late writer John Cheever. Her new book, "Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction" (Simon & Schuster), is part memoir, part research project. She doesn't call herself a sex addict, not exactly. But on the other hand, well, there WAS the sex …
(CBS)
For example, when her mother was diagnosed with cancer, Cheever said, "I needed to feel better. I needed to feel less helpless."
Doane: "You achieved that by …"
"I thought I was going to achieve, you know, my mother's good health by sleeping with the oncologist and getting special treatment for her, and knowledge for me," she said.
"And indeed, she's still alive!" she laughed.
Cheever believes that it was not sex as much as the desire to fall in love, over and over again, that drove her through three marriages and multiple affairs.
What makes someone a sex addict, Doane asked?
"Well, I think what makes anyone an addict of any kind - sex addict, alcoholic, cocaine addict - is really up to them.
"Addiction starts with a broken promise. In other words, when you say to yourself, 'I am not gonna sleep with him, I am not gonna see him tonight,' and you find that you are doing it anyway, you've entered the land of addiction."
Psychologist Patrick Carnes says there are definite red flags to look for. Carnes first studied (and popularized the term) "sex addiction" in the 1980s, in the book "Out of the Shadows" (Hazeldon).
"There are bad things happening to them," he told Doane. "They're spending money they can't afford. They're putting marriage at risk. They're getting sexually transmitted diseases. There's things that are happening."
It's been estimated that three to five percent of Americans engage in sexually compulsive behavior.
We found that Carnes, who has studied the subject for decades, still gets emotional when he considers its effects.
"You know, the joke is, 'Well, if sex is an addiction, it's the way I wanna go.' If you sat in my office and you listened to the tales of woe, I mean, sometimes in an evening, I'll come home and, you know, it's hard to even talk."
"Why?"
"Because of just how hurting people are about the problems that they have. And I think for people who are out there who dismiss it as something that's funny, they don't sit in our shoes."
But hold up for a minute: It turns out sex addiction doesn't even exist if you consult the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (DSM-IV), the bible of psychiatry. It used to be in here, but was taken out for lack of scientific evidence when the manual was revised 14 years ago.
New York psychiatrist Jack Drescher, who specializes in gender issues, says, "I think it's a made-up diagnosis. I think it's a diagnosis that has a moralizing component to it.
"The problem that I have is like Flip Wilson used to say: 'The devil made me do it.' And so 'My addiction made me do it' is a way to not take in to yourself your own wishes and desires - meaning that you might want to have more sex than the people around you think you should have."
Dr. Drescher believes that for one thing, no one's ever decided what the proper amount of sex is. He also believes that so-called "sex addiction" is usually a mask covering deep-seated issues, like alcoholism or drug use, or abuse suffered in childhood.
Susan Cheever acknowledges that addictions often come in sets. She's struggled with alcoholism, just like her father.
"What do you say to people who would say, 'Come on, sex addiction? Yeah, just get over it'?" Asked Doane.
"Well, that's what many people think about addiction, period," Cheever said. "So even as people say, 'Why can't you just drink less?' You know, 'Come on, sex addiction. Just get over it.' 'Just don't fall in love again.' They don't understand addiction, that the core of addiction is powerlessness."
(CBS)
"We send mixed messages about sexuality," Dr. Drew said. "I think we use it. We expose kids to it. We glorify it."
Like many, he worries about the online world, where porn is available to anyone, anytime, often for free.
"We don't even know the full impact of kids having pornography pouring down on them," he said. "By the same token, the rest of mass media, not just the online barrage, the tsunami of online pornography, but what's portrayed in the broadcast media is sex without consequences, sex without a context, sex as just something that's arousing and fun but not something that's part of a deeper human experience - or, by the way, something that has real risk."
A risk that actor David Duchovny very publicly recognized this summer, when he announced that HE was a sex addict.
It was a sort of life-imitates-art moment, as he currently plays a sex-obsessed writer in the cable series "Californication." Duchovny turned to a rehab center for help.
Others have turned to a vast network of 12-step programs, based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And, ironically, the Internet - often a great temptation - may turn out to be the salvation for some. Instead of surfing for porn, "Joe" now uses his computer to get help.
He's signed up for a new online program, which he visits multiple times a day. He read us one of his recent journal entries that shows his continuing struggle.
"Crap, I'm shaking right now. I feel so guilty and discouraged."
Joe says despite set-backs, he's making progress.
"Now, my thought is, 'No, I'm going to have a healthy relationship. I'm going to have a family where I can wake up in the morning and I can be the real me and not wonder, am I going to do pornography today or not?'"
So, in a culture where sex and addiction are both celebrated and condemned, what are we to make of sex addiction? The answer, like sex itself, might not be so simple.
"What people are doing sexually often is a window into their deepest wounding, or their deepest desire, or who they are as a person," said Carnes. "And so our culture needs to see the opportunity in that, and that sex is not the enemy. The enemy is us, and it's what we do with our sexuality."
© MMVIII, CBS Interactive Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Michelle Obama tells how her role as the First Lady has changed her perspective.
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See all 42 CommentsThere is a quick online test available to determine if pornography, ***, etc., has crossed that line in your life. It''s called the SAST, and it''s available at www.sexhelp.com. In addition, you can use the site to find a therapist in your area who specializes in this field.
As co-founder My Internet Doorman, a company dedicated to educating parents and teens about the True Dangers of Internet Porn, I have heard many first hand accounts of adults who have lost their jobs, their spouses, and their self respect because of this porn parasite. Several clients have compared porn to cocaine, in that they will risk anything to get a fix; this clearly indicates a loss of control.
Seeing that educating parents and teens was only half the job; we developed the first fully managed internet filter service. This service has been greatly welcomed and has proven to be a powerful assistance in protecting oneself and one''s family from inappropriate material on the web%u2014and for some, a crucial step in breaking a porn addiction. An encouraging trend we are witnessing is that a growing number of adults want to block porn for themselves. They are finding that our fully managed filter service is exactly what they were looking for.
Mr. M - My Internet Doorman
www.myinternetdoorman.com
www.myinternetdoorman.org
The success Joe is seeing with recovering from his porn and *** addiction is being experienced by many right now at Candeo. It is online, it is anonymous and safe and it works!
This stuff is very real. Denying it''s reality does not make it non-existent. It just aids in denying those in need of help from receiving any real help.
There are no 12 Steps in our area. Nor are there any true professionals, let alone any we could afford. Even if there were & our insurance were willing to pay for it, we''d likely not be able to seek out that much needed help due to the stigma attached. Yet, he has been lucky in that he found some good & very cheap professional help ($8 a visit, once a week) from a local university''s psychology department. He''s now one year into recovery.
Even though I had been raised by an addict (drugs & alcohol), I used to think SA/PA was an excuse. Now that I know of much of my husband''s behaviors & his experiences, I accept the fact that this is a real condition... addiction is real. He is a SA & I am his CoDep.
And it sucks, to put it bluntly.
It has done one heck of a job ruining my life.
I watched most of the show last Sunday but missed this story, somehow. I do not like that it was shown during the morning hours but I am thankful this is being discussed openly among adults. So, I am thankful for the more recent coverage of this very real experience. Hopefully, pulling it out of the closet will help promote the funding needed to research this further & help remove the veil of denial from the eyes of those who refuse to see it as a real experience for many unfortunate people.
My husband has lost at least one job due to his then-closeted, compulsive & habitually obsessive behavior. His then-rising tolerance for what he saw & his escalating need for it led him to behave in ways that could have gotten him arrested. Another consequence is that we may divorce.
Sweetie, it''s time to have your meds re-evaluated.
Posted by inglind at 11:28 AM : Nov 16, 2008
You''re welcome. I invite non-Christians to read scripture as well also. So many of us Christians have given more people reason to not believe in God than to beleive in Him it''s shameful. But, yet He is still the truth. Thessalonians was written to Christians in Thessalonica because they had these problems back then too. Hypocrisy is a world problem, not just a church one.
I am probably not the only one saying this, but too lazy to go through all the posts to verify ...
The biggest ''problem'' is this matter ?
Right here. Where we are now. What we are trying to do.
Talk about this subject.
CBS - you will not allow the word ''***'' to be written.
How can we talk about something if we can not use the word ?
Reminds me of a story told by a Professor in University many years ago.
Was about efforts to teach birth control in India.
There was a problem however.
Was no way to talk about it since their language did not have a word for ''***''
Unless you find a way to update your censorship technology CBS, you have painted yourself into the same corner.
Hope you realize that, and will not need a 12 step program to break your control addiction.
Thanks
;-)
It''s mine, and I''ll wash it as thoroughly as I want to.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness, I always say.
And I am Godly.
So I''ll wash it as often, as fast, as hard and for as long as I like. Repeatedly. Night and day.
I like feeling clean. It makes me feel dirty.
Rub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub-a-dub. . . .
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See all 42 Comments