Campaign Comedy

The Late Night Talk Show Hosts Poke Fun At The Candidates

(AP)  'Twas the night before the presidential election and all through the house was the sound of late-night TV hosts getting in their last-minute digs. Here's a selection of jokes from Monday:

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"Today Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia. And McCain campaigned in two states: panic and desperation."

- David Letterman, CBS' "Late Show."

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"Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight years."

- Jay Leno, NBC's "Tonight Show."

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"Right now it's a toss up between Barack and Obama."

- Jimmy Kimmel on ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

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"This is my first election, not sure what supposed do on Election Eve. Are there traditions? So you hang your `chads' over the fireplace? Leave stuff out for your favorite candidate? Maybe a sandwich for Obama. That is a thin man .... McCain, leave him some food, nice warm mug of creamed corn ... Tasty. And you don't need to chew."

- Craig Ferguson, CBS' "Late Late Show."

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"Who are the real winners in this election? Don't ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber's agent."

- Stephen Colbert, Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report."

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"Congratulations to everybody who ran the New York City Marathon yesterday. Good to have you here. And a special congratulations to this year's winner, Joe the Runner."

- Letterman.

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"The Republican Party has asked President Bush to stay out of sight until after the election. Apparently Bush has agreed to this strategy and is appearing weekly on the NBC series, `Kath and Kim.'"

- Conan O'Brien on NBC's "Late Night."

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"I don't want to say that the Obamas are overly confident, but they've already agreed to let Oprah use their house in Chicago as a place to keep her dogs."

- Kimmel.

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"According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama."

- Leno.

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"My guest, Andrew Sullivan, says conservatives should support Obama. Well, McCain's campaign managers certainly have done their part."

- Colbert.

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"Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one from Ralph Nader's campaign. Turns out it wasn't recorded. It was Ralph calling personally from a pay phone."

- Leno.

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"Sarah Palin is going to celebrate the end of the campaign. She charged one last $1,500 blouse to the campaign. So, got that out of the way."

- Letterman.

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"This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: `Now behold, the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!'"

- O'Brien.

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ABC is owned by the Walt Disney Co.; CBS is owned by CBS Corp.; NBC is owned by General Electric Co.; Comedy Central is owned by Viacom Inc.

[shedhouserob]

This is about Dave Letterman''s letter
Open letter to David Letterman and his admirer%u2019s (bush fans)
Where are you in bed with Phil Gramm? (We are a nation of whiners) (Google your box and put Phil Gramm there and hit go) See what a worm this guy is!
If gas cost $50 a gallon David wouldn%u2019t blink an eye.
At $5 a gallon, how many people can afford to drive their car from coast to coast David?
Who says the world has no respect for the American people. They don%u2019t like our politicians! Maybe you ought to read foreign papers David.
Are we supposed to get down on our knees and thank Georgie that we have such a great country? I didn%u2019t realize that George Bush created the United States of America and is our savior.
I say that shows 67% of the people can see, hear and think about what%u2019s going on in this world. The other 23% got it made, think they got it made or are missing the three things I just mentioned the other 67% have!
David-You sit in your $1000 suits and try to tell the American people how well off they are and are a bunch of spoiled brats.. If they are well off it%u2019s not because of George Bush!
This line is hard to take without throwing up-Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? Guided us where? Into war, a trillion dollars more in debt. What a guy.

[treknutz]

We had all better laugh now ''''cause once ''''the Messiah'''' gets elected (it''''s coming), well, socialism is just not that funny.

Posted by fahr451
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I wonder how a racist and a communist could really know a socialist when they saw one? Naaa, they are too self absorbed.

[american30]

Wow I wonder who these people are voting for