More Gay Men "Married With Children"

With Same-Sex Marriage Legal In Calif. And Mass., In-Wedlock Parenting A Realistic Option

(AP)  The cost remains high, and a good lawyer is essential. Yet despite complications, the idea of becoming a biological dad with help from a surrogate mother is gaining allure among gay men as the status of "married with children" grows ever more possible.

With same-sex marriage now legal in California even to nonresidents, and Massachusetts extending its 4-year-old gay-marriage policy to out-of-staters, in-wedlock parenting is suddenly a realistic option for gays and lesbians nationwide, even if their home state won't recognize the union.

Fertility clinics and surrogacy programs report increased interest from gay men, while couples who already have children are getting married — or considering it — to provide more security for those kids.

"We wanted our daughter to know her parents were married — that was the big thing for us," said Tommy Starling of Pawley's Island, South Carolina, who wed his partner of 12 years, Jeff Littlefield, on July 11 in Hollywood.

Among those at the ceremony was their daughter, Carrigan, who was born in California two years ago.

Starling said he and Littlefield had tried previously to adopt a child in South Carolina, but encountered anti-gay hostility and instead opted to become parents through a surrogacy program run by Los Angeles-based Growing Generations. Since 1996, it has matched hundreds of gay men with surrogate mothers who are paid to carry an implanted embryo produced from a donor egg fertilized with the client's sperm.

"Our journey to parenthood was not easy, cheap or fun," Starling and Littlefield wrote in an account of their family. "The result, however, has been the most amazing experience in the world; being called Daddy and Dad by our loving daughter."

For lesbian couples, biological parenthood is usually a far simpler proposition than for gay men, since there's no need for surrogacy and there are various options for becoming pregnant. A lesbian couple faces neither the cost of surrogacy, which can run as high as $150,000, nor the legal complications which call for a carefully negotiated contract with the surrogate mother.

"All the realms involved with men are much more complex," said Gail Taylor, president and founder of Growing Generations.

But Taylor believes the option of marriage will, over time, lead to more biological gay dads.

"For future generations, knowing they can fall in love, get married, have a child — absolutely, that will become a way of life more than it is," she said.

Starling, 36, and Littlefield, 52, face the likelihood that their marriage will not be recognized anytime soon in South Carolina, one of 26 states with constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriages.

In contrast, Joe and Brent Taravella, who are raising three children in South Orange, New Jersey, already have a civil union and are optimistic that New Jersey will soon join California and Massachusetts in legalizing same-sex marriages.

"As a couple with kids, you really see the importance of it, trying to get as many protections as you can," Joe Taravella said.

They have a 2-year-old daughter through a surrogacy handled by Growing Generations, and twins born in May 2007 through a surrogacy arranged by a New Jersey lawyer, Melissa Brisman.

"My relatives were screaming with excitement when they found out we were going to be parents," Joe Taravella said. "I think we still have something to prove, to show America we can do a great job with these kids."

Brisman, who specializes in reproductive legal issues, said laws dealing with surrogacy vary widely from state to state, as do the options for same-sex couples who become parents.

"Legally, being able to get married will help in some states but not others," she said. "I would never tell clients to get married. ... But I tell them straight out, 'If you do get married, it's going to be easier."'

The Taravellas (Brent has taken Joe's last name) both donated sperm — a fairly common practice among gay male couples who say they don't care which partner is the biological dad. Some other couples decide to have two biological babies simultaneously, each providing sperm and using two surrogates.

Among the enterprises offering such services for prospective gay fathers is the Fertility Institutes, which has offices in Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Mexico, and plans to open a branch soon in New York City even though New York is among a half-dozen states banning paid surrogacy.

"It's not going to happen in New York as the law stands now," said the Fertility Institutes' director, Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg. "You can't bring the surrogate into the state, but we can make the arrangements, fly the client elsewhere."

Overall, Steinberg says inquiries from gay men to his offices have increased 30 percent in the past six months.

"There are more couples that had been holding off because of the marriage situation who are now starting to show up," he said. "We've definitely seen an upswing."

For now, adoptions, rather than surrogacy, remain the most common way for gay men to become fathers, but Steinberg believes a shift is under way.

"Adoption is not getting any easier — surrogacy is getting easier," he said. "You rarely hear horror stories about surrogacy."

In fact, there are occasional surrogacy cases which become anguishing — including lawsuits by surrogate mothers seeking custody of the child, and wrenching cases in which triplets or quadruplets are conceived, and a debate ensues over whether any of the fetuses should be aborted.

Lawyers say airtight contracts can head off such problems, but legal costs run high. Beyond that, there usually are medical costs in the tens of thousands of dollars, and fees to the egg donor and surrogate that together can exceed $25,000.

Dr. G. David Adamson, director of Fertility Associates of Northern California and president of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, says gay couples considering the option of surrogacy should receive thorough medical and psychological counseling, as well as candid legal advice.

"What we've tried to do is have consent forms that make it very clear what the intentions of the people are," he said. "Who's going to be the mom, who's going to be the dad, what might happens if relationship ends, if someone dies."

"If you don't have an exit strategy, the usual result is that you have potentially several years of litigation, which is extremely damaging to the child," Adamson added. "It's incumbent on everyone to be very thoughtful about entering these arrangements."

The challenges of gay fatherhood can seem relatively less daunting in gay-friendly communities such as New York, where Jeffrey Parsons and Chris Hietikko are raising a 2-year-old son, Henry. They've also remained in touch with the surrogate mother, a lesbian who lives with her own family in Oregon.

"As gay men, so much depends on where you live, what your social support system is like," said Parsons, a 41-year-old psychology professor at Hunter College.

"Our child will go to school with other kids with gay parents," he said. "I had a job option upstate, but I knew he'd be only kid like that there."

Parsons, who has been conferring with Hietikko about getting married, says he's a rarity among gay men his age — even as a youth, realizing he was gay, he was convinced he'd become a father.

More typical are men like Jeff Littlefield, who said that in his 20s, "I'd completely given up on the idea of ever having a child."

Littlefield was raised in Utah as a Mormon. In that family-focused culture, he regretted the prospect of not providing his mother with a grandchild.

When he and Starling did have their daughter, they rushed out to introduce the infant to her ailing grandmother — who died just a few days later. The girl's name, Carrigan, is her grandmother's maiden name.

"My mom was able to hold her," Littlefield said. "It was magical."

[displeased]

I don''t mind gaay couples living together or getting married or spending their lives together, as long as they keep their business to themselves like most other couples. I do feel sorry for the children though...

[hypnotoad72]

Must be an election year; 2% of the population who do more things out of self-gratification and self-interest than actually helping ANY community are getting a disproportional amount of coverage.

Having tried to LIVE that lifestyle, anybody calling me *phobic should shove it here and now. Experience means more than empty "liberal" eyeballing.

Maybe there are legitimate * couples out there, but they are hardly the norm, and not enough for me to mince thoughts or words with.

I especially feel sorry for the children as they grow older. Being heckled because of their two daddies, they will try to get the school district to impose their will unto everyone else.

Given school is for education of useless things like reading, writing, arithmetic... wait, I mean "used to be". These days it''s about being a popularity contest, political battleground for irrelevant issues, brats showing off their own children in yearbooks, gaudy hairstyles, and wearing t-shirts with slogans reading "Metal up your @$$ tour" - or what might be worse.

[hypnotoad72]

don''''t mind gaay couples living together or getting married or spending their lives together, as long as they keep their business to themselves like most other couples. I do feel sorry for the children though...

Posted by Displeased at 11:48 AM : Aug 11, 2008
---

In that I agree. Everyone else keeps their mouths shut; gay, straight, and even the sheepbangers until they get caught...

But for every time it''s said "it''s nobody''s business", 10 others say "I''m queer, get used to it" because they want 15 minutes in the spotlight. So what''s the truth? Do they even have a truth or merely want to covertly overthrow a society rather than be any part in it? (working in a society doesn''t always mean to speak up and whine over every minuscule issue.)

[tothestars2]

Commen sense and logical thinking tells us that it takes a man and a woman to make a child. Shouldn''t this same logic tell us the same for raising this child?

[displeased]

We should remove unnatural and surrogate births. If you''re unable to have a baby then you can''t have a baby, except through adoption. There are enough babies in this world that we don''t need to manufacture them.

[tothestars2]

too late minnick8, it seams we already have that.

[minnick8-2009]

It has been a few months, but on the news there was a report about a same gender, male couple who were getting out of the city, moving to the country, and going into horse breeding. The more feminine of the two was just gushing over with excitement about the prospects of their new life. He did however, admit that he didn''t know anything at all about horse breeding.

If I could have talked to him through the tube, I would have said, "Well duh, in the first place, you have to have a male horse, AND a FEMALE horse."

[minnick8-2009]

tothestars2

I''m sure you are right, but I think it is about to get worse.

[beboldin09]

Such a fine example for these young children.

NOT!

[beboldin09]

There are enough babies in this world that we don''''t need to manufacture them.
Posted by Displeased at 11:57 AM : Aug 11, 2008

Spoken like a true liberal abortionist.

Save the planet. kill a baby.

The liberal motto

[displeased]

Save the planet. kill a baby.
Posted by BeBoldin09

Rick, is that you? I didn''t suggest kill a baby. I suggested don''t produce them unnaturally. Please interpret correctly!

[beboldin09]

How do you get abortion out of ''''we dont need to manufacture them''''???
If anyone is talking like a knee-jerk NeoLib, it might be the one in the mirror!
Posted by DaVicar2 at 12:14 PM : Aug 11, 2008

Explain how preventing babies from being "manufactured" is any different than abortion.

[beboldin09]

Because husbands and wived "manufacture" babies by making love, do they not?

[beboldin09]

Oh well.....but I agree with Displeased on the "donated sperm" thing. That is indeed unnatural.

[tibu987]

It is for selfish motives that *** adopt children.

Common sense would tell you that children adopted by *** will have sexual issues as they get older.
The statistics are not yet in for divorce among ***
or emotional problems of children adopted by ***.

That *** want to adopt and raise children, I believe, will result in many more children needing psychiatric attention as the age.

And so it goes.......

[beboldin09]

DaVicar2 - I just clarified my position on this by saying I agreed with Displeased that babies should not be "manufactured" unnaturally, outside of biological mother and father.

Sorry for the confusion...

[marcpcbs]

And what do we say to the children when they ask, "Who is my mother?"

When the parents are Male and female the kids learn how to deal with both.

I was raised by a single mom and out of concern she got in touch with the Big Brothers of America So that I could have male influence.

It''s all about balance.

Parents need to think of the kids more than themselves.

Parenting is giving, not a single *** gimmie.

[beboldin09]

But I don''t agree with you on abortion being a "medical procedure" (although it''s politically correct to call it as such). I consider it murdering the unborn, as it always has been.

[tibu987]

Isn''t it rather ironic thast CBS uses the word "***" in the article but refuse it to be used in the comments section.

Hmmmmmmmm!

[beboldin09]

DaVicar2---

ty

[dogsoul]

...this is where I draw the line - no matter what you try to say, do or think - having two g*y dads to raise you is going to mess a kid up... period.

I''ve always been a live & let live guy when it came to homosexuality - but now they''re affecting children - and so I''ve change my view on homosexuality... it''s no longer a private matter between consenting adults...

If you are an abusive heterosexual parent - they''ll take your kids away - raising children in this kind of gay household amounts to child abuse & should be stopped...

I would never let my children go over for playtime in such a household...

Time to crack down - they''ve gone too far

[obama8years]

Isnt it Wonderful. This country is heading in such a great liberal state. More Gay Men should adopt children. Isnt life wonderful. We should abolish Marrige between a man and a woman. I love Liberalism, it rocks.

[bks59]

WOW, the ninny''s are contributing today!

to have children raised in a home where they are actually and really wanted, sounds pretty ok with me. Maybe some of the straights will figuire this out, LOL. If you choose to plan a family, have children, teach and demonstrate love, the chances are quite good that the children grow up to tolerant and respect diversity in others, even bigots.

[marcpcbs]

"Two dads" shouldn''t be something that is intentionally pursued.

There%u2019s more to being a "Mom" than two guys flipping a coin to see who%u2019s going to wear the dress.

[casey0157]

I''ve seen *** who have adopted and known both sexes male and female raise children with normal parent/child issues. I''ve not seen a child grow up gay because their parents are? Mind you I haven''t met all *** in our country and their children but when children have balance, they grow as normal as having male/female parents. As long as our children are loved and cared for, taught right from wrong and about Faith, isn''t that all we should ask? I would rather see children happy and healthy than in an orphanage or streets, in abusive situations that may prove to be life-threatening? I wished some of those Mothers that ended their childrens'' lives would have simply asked "would someone please take my child and raise them as your own"...no questions asked, I would have taken them all and loved them and protected them vs. hearing of their young lives being taken by their biological parent. It is not our place to judge and I know that it may be difficult for many to see or hear of but please do not hate as there is entirely too much of that in this world. Peace Be With You All!

[tothestars2]

I see logical thinking is biggoted? Really bks59? Ninnies?

[marcpcbs]

Kids need a MOM. A no-MOM family shouldn''t be intentionally pursued.

This is a very selfish act.

[cbsfan73]

This could be awkward and conflicting for these kids during a *** education class at school:

So teacher, you mean babies don''t come out of the ***?

So teacher, you insert it where?

So teacher, this process involves a woman?

So teacher, babies suck breasts for milk?

[marcpcbs]

Another great point!

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SOME 7-YEAR-OLD WALKS UP TO YOUR SON AND KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH BECAUSE THAT''''S WHAT THE DADDYS DO AT HOME?"

Posted by fenner at 01:03 PM : Aug 11, 2008

[ccdsswrkr08]

I have nothing against gay couples raising children, but if you are unable to have children in the natural sense (this goes for straight couples too), then honestly I wish more people would adopt. Why bring another child into this world when there are already so many (IN OUR OWN FLIPPIN COUNTRY) who need a good home.

[marcpcbs]

I''ll bet theres tones of g.a.y. men summing all these conserns up to just being homophobic.

You should try thinking about these things and what kids go through and stop just thinking of yourselves and how much you don''t like breeders.

[rmorrow14]

This is insane! Homosexuals have a very serious spiritual problem. Homosexuals walk in spiritual darkness. Children should never be raised in that atmosphere, not to mention confusion.

Liberals are insane! Liberals lie about everything to get what they want. Liberalism is a lie.

[u-r-right]

There are certain ideals that must be upheld in order to have a decent society. Gay parenting is not something we need to subject innocent children to.

Sexual preference should be kept private and discreet. Nobody else needs to know how proud you are or that you prefer to be different than the majority. Even if it does become more accepted doesn''t make it right.

And contrary to modern beliefs. It is okay to disagree with this lifestyle. It does not mean you are less educated or bigoted in some way. My belief is many times, gay behavoir is spawned from some sort of abuse or trauma during their development. There, I said it! It''s okay to feel ashamed fo it. It''s okay to feel remorse. Now get help.

[ccdsswrkr08]

Some of these posts are a little....um, wow. Yeah. I can''t even put it into words how...just...wrong they are heh.

[cbsfan73]

Even Darwin was dismayed when he tried to factor in fudge packers.

[jboxton]

Good for the little pansies. Why should they not be allowed to have families just because they are a bunch of outcast sissies?

[u-r-right]

Mature adults of the same se-x wanting to play house. What fun the kids must have when it''s dress up time followed by tea time.

What a shame.

[marcpcbs]

raflin1

Single parent hetro families are rarely intentional and definitely not optimum.

[jboxton]

I knew the nutjob Jesus freaks would jump all over this story. They are just as crazy as the merries in this article.

[paganmama]

Another great point!

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SOME 7-YEAR-OLD WALKS UP TO YOUR SON AND KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH BECAUSE THAT''''''''S WHAT THE DADDYS DO AT HOME?"

Posted by fenner at 01:03 PM : Aug 11, 2008

---------------------------------------------------

Posted by marcpcbs at 01:05 PM : Aug 11, 2008
---------------------------------------------------

I''ll tell him the same thing I would if a 7 y.o. girl walked up and kissed him on the mouth. "It''s not appropriate for kids to kiss on the mouth".

I can''t believe all the comments on here equating messed up kids being raised by same *** couples. Have you people been following any the news stories over the passed decade. The kids who shot up Colombine were raised by mom and dad; the 11 y.o. that held up the Walgreens yesterday was raised by mom and dad. I haven''t heard one news story about a kid raised by 2 moms or 2 dads going and doing some heinous crime. So where''s your proof???

[pbaird2]

Ignorance is bliss for many. Children kissing at school is not allowed whether boy-boy or boy-girl; or do you find it perfectly fine for boys to learn they can have their way with any female? Heterosexuals have not done too well with "family values". Just as homosexuals increase the value of property when they move in, perhaps homosexuals will perfect family values as well.

[marcpcbs]

For g.a.y. men to think that they can do the job of a mom just by putting on a dress is sick.

[marcpcbs]

Two dads is still a single parent house.

Single parent hetro families are rarely intentional and definitely not optimum.

[superdem]

Wow - what primitive thinking on this site. You can tell these people are ignorant - they can barely spell. OK - now, repeat after me - liberty and justice for ...who ? Liberty and justice for ALL. And you religious freaks - Jesus never said ONE SINGLE WORD against gay people. Not one. Instead, he commanded his followers not to JUDGE each other. You should follow His example.

[marcpcbs]

walshsmith1

We get your point

[cbsfan73]

Posted by walshsmith1 spammed:
"the chances that gay men will molest there children is 10 times that of the general population.*** should be banned from adoption boy children..."

Reported as abuse for multiple postings of the same comments.

[paganmama]

I havent heard one news story about a kid raised by 2 moms or 2 dads going and doing some heinous crime -------------------------- Posted by PaganMama


YOU ARE RIGHT! And all of us straight, border-line moral well-intending American Hetero-types want to KEEP IT THAT WAY!

So Mote It Be. . .Those of us with good sense to realize the sexual orientation has nothing to do with being good parents or raising good kids will sit back and watch you "border-line moral well-intending American Hetero-types" IMPLODE.

[marcpcbs]

Wow - what primitive thinking on this site. You can tell these people are ignorant - they can barely spell. OK - now, repeat after me - liberty and justice for ...who ? Liberty and justice for ALL. And you religious freaks - Jesus never said ONE SINGLE WORD against gay people. Not one. Instead, he commanded his followers not to JUDGE each other. You should follow His example.

Posted by superdem at 01:38 PM : Aug 11, 2008

Too many times it''s assumed that because someone is g.a.y. that they can do no wrong. G.a.y. people can make as many mistakes as hetro people and thinking that mom being present during child rearing makes no difference is wrong.

Intentionally pursuing a no-mom family is wrong.

[dogsoul]

A couple points - proponents of g*y led household often point to the fact that hetero households can be abusive.... Yes, that''s true - and when abusive situations are investigated, action is taken to remove children from those abusive environments - it is not considered tolerable. The term ''loving'' gets thrown about left & right as well - well what does that MEAN exactly? That you hug alot? That you have story time? Ask ANY psychologist about the impact parents have on our lives - our emotional stability - how we relate to others - our sense of identity - and yes, our s*xuality as well - they''ll tell you parents have a massive influence...

And while the PC Police won''t ALLOW for any kind of honest or scientific forum on the subject that oppose their established view... at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself - does it makes sense that being raised by a g*y couple would have a detrimental effect on a growing child in relation to all those very base, fundamental aspects noted above?

[cbsfan73]

Posted by superdem:
"Liberty and justice for ALL. And you religious freaks - Jesus never said ONE SINGLE WORD against gay people."

The argument here is not against gay liberties. It is against exposing innocent children to perverse acts.

P.S. How did you get this way? Did you have a traumatic experience (being laughed at)with a woman?
Do you think that you harbor hate for women in your subconscious? Do you think it is genetic? Please share your opinion of what happened.