More Gay Men "Married With Children"
With Same-Sex Marriage Legal In Calif. And Mass., In-Wedlock Parenting A Realistic Option
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Photo
Joe Travella, left, and his partner, Brent, right, hold their children; Sophia, 2, from left, and one-year-old twins Paolo and Julia, at their home in South Orange, N.J., July 10, 2008. (AP Photo/Mike Derer)
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With same-sex marriage now legal in California even to nonresidents, and Massachusetts extending its 4-year-old gay-marriage policy to out-of-staters, in-wedlock parenting is suddenly a realistic option for gays and lesbians nationwide, even if their home state won't recognize the union.
Fertility clinics and surrogacy programs report increased interest from gay men, while couples who already have children are getting married or considering it to provide more security for those kids.
"We wanted our daughter to know her parents were married that was the big thing for us," said Tommy Starling of Pawley's Island, South Carolina, who wed his partner of 12 years, Jeff Littlefield, on July 11 in Hollywood.
Among those at the ceremony was their daughter, Carrigan, who was born in California two years ago.
Starling said he and Littlefield had tried previously to adopt a child in South Carolina, but encountered anti-gay hostility and instead opted to become parents through a surrogacy program run by Los Angeles-based Growing Generations. Since 1996, it has matched hundreds of gay men with surrogate mothers who are paid to carry an implanted embryo produced from a donor egg fertilized with the client's sperm.
"Our journey to parenthood was not easy, cheap or fun," Starling and Littlefield wrote in an account of their family. "The result, however, has been the most amazing experience in the world; being called Daddy and Dad by our loving daughter."
For lesbian couples, biological parenthood is usually a far simpler proposition than for gay men, since there's no need for surrogacy and there are various options for becoming pregnant. A lesbian couple faces neither the cost of surrogacy, which can run as high as $150,000, nor the legal complications which call for a carefully negotiated contract with the surrogate mother.
"All the realms involved with men are much more complex," said Gail Taylor, president and founder of Growing Generations.
But Taylor believes the option of marriage will, over time, lead to more biological gay dads.
"For future generations, knowing they can fall in love, get married, have a child absolutely, that will become a way of life more than it is," she said.
Starling, 36, and Littlefield, 52, face the likelihood that their marriage will not be recognized anytime soon in South Carolina, one of 26 states with constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriages.
In contrast, Joe and Brent Taravella, who are raising three children in South Orange, New Jersey, already have a civil union and are optimistic that New Jersey will soon join California and Massachusetts in legalizing same-sex marriages.
"As a couple with kids, you really see the importance of it, trying to get as many protections as you can," Joe Taravella said.
They have a 2-year-old daughter through a surrogacy handled by Growing Generations, and twins born in May 2007 through a surrogacy arranged by a New Jersey lawyer, Melissa Brisman.
"My relatives were screaming with excitement when they found out we were going to be parents," Joe Taravella said. "I think we still have something to prove, to show America we can do a great job with these kids."
Brisman, who specializes in reproductive legal issues, said laws dealing with surrogacy vary widely from state to state, as do the options for same-sex couples who become parents.
"Legally, being able to get married will help in some states but not others," she said. "I would never tell clients to get married. ... But I tell them straight out, 'If you do get married, it's going to be easier."'
The Taravellas (Brent has taken Joe's last name) both donated sperm a fairly common practice among gay male couples who say they don't care which partner is the biological dad. Some other couples decide to have two biological babies simultaneously, each providing sperm and using two surrogates.
Among the enterprises offering such services for prospective gay fathers is the Fertility Institutes, which has offices in Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Mexico, and plans to open a branch soon in New York City even though New York is among a half-dozen states banning paid surrogacy.
"It's not going to happen in New York as the law stands now," said the Fertility Institutes' director, Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg. "You can't bring the surrogate into the state, but we can make the arrangements, fly the client elsewhere."
Overall, Steinberg says inquiries from gay men to his offices have increased 30 percent in the past six months.
"There are more couples that had been holding off because of the marriage situation who are now starting to show up," he said. "We've definitely seen an upswing."
For now, adoptions, rather than surrogacy, remain the most common way for gay men to become fathers, but Steinberg believes a shift is under way.
"Adoption is not getting any easier surrogacy is getting easier," he said. "You rarely hear horror stories about surrogacy."
In fact, there are occasional surrogacy cases which become anguishing including lawsuits by surrogate mothers seeking custody of the child, and wrenching cases in which triplets or quadruplets are conceived, and a debate ensues over whether any of the fetuses should be aborted.
Lawyers say airtight contracts can head off such problems, but legal costs run high. Beyond that, there usually are medical costs in the tens of thousands of dollars, and fees to the egg donor and surrogate that together can exceed $25,000.
Dr. G. David Adamson, director of Fertility Associates of Northern California and president of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, says gay couples considering the option of surrogacy should receive thorough medical and psychological counseling, as well as candid legal advice.
"What we've tried to do is have consent forms that make it very clear what the intentions of the people are," he said. "Who's going to be the mom, who's going to be the dad, what might happens if relationship ends, if someone dies."
"If you don't have an exit strategy, the usual result is that you have potentially several years of litigation, which is extremely damaging to the child," Adamson added. "It's incumbent on everyone to be very thoughtful about entering these arrangements."
The challenges of gay fatherhood can seem relatively less daunting in gay-friendly communities such as New York, where Jeffrey Parsons and Chris Hietikko are raising a 2-year-old son, Henry. They've also remained in touch with the surrogate mother, a lesbian who lives with her own family in Oregon.
"As gay men, so much depends on where you live, what your social support system is like," said Parsons, a 41-year-old psychology professor at Hunter College.
"Our child will go to school with other kids with gay parents," he said. "I had a job option upstate, but I knew he'd be only kid like that there."
Parsons, who has been conferring with Hietikko about getting married, says he's a rarity among gay men his age even as a youth, realizing he was gay, he was convinced he'd become a father.
More typical are men like Jeff Littlefield, who said that in his 20s, "I'd completely given up on the idea of ever having a child."
Littlefield was raised in Utah as a Mormon. In that family-focused culture, he regretted the prospect of not providing his mother with a grandchild.
When he and Starling did have their daughter, they rushed out to introduce the infant to her ailing grandmother who died just a few days later. The girl's name, Carrigan, is her grandmother's maiden name.
"My mom was able to hold her," Littlefield said. "It was magical."
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See all 311 CommentsHaving tried to LIVE that lifestyle, anybody calling me *phobic should shove it here and now. Experience means more than empty "liberal" eyeballing.
Maybe there are legitimate * couples out there, but they are hardly the norm, and not enough for me to mince thoughts or words with.
I especially feel sorry for the children as they grow older. Being heckled because of their two daddies, they will try to get the school district to impose their will unto everyone else.
Given school is for education of useless things like reading, writing, arithmetic... wait, I mean "used to be". These days it''s about being a popularity contest, political battleground for irrelevant issues, brats showing off their own children in yearbooks, gaudy hairstyles, and wearing t-shirts with slogans reading "Metal up your @$$ tour" - or what might be worse.
Posted by Displeased at 11:48 AM : Aug 11, 2008
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In that I agree. Everyone else keeps their mouths shut; gay, straight, and even the sheepbangers until they get caught...
But for every time it''s said "it''s nobody''s business", 10 others say "I''m queer, get used to it" because they want 15 minutes in the spotlight. So what''s the truth? Do they even have a truth or merely want to covertly overthrow a society rather than be any part in it? (working in a society doesn''t always mean to speak up and whine over every minuscule issue.)
If I could have talked to him through the tube, I would have said, "Well duh, in the first place, you have to have a male horse, AND a FEMALE horse."
I''m sure you are right, but I think it is about to get worse.
NOT!
Posted by Displeased at 11:57 AM : Aug 11, 2008
Spoken like a true liberal abortionist.
Save the planet. kill a baby.
The liberal motto
Posted by BeBoldin09
Rick, is that you? I didn''t suggest kill a baby. I suggested don''t produce them unnaturally. Please interpret correctly!
If anyone is talking like a knee-jerk NeoLib, it might be the one in the mirror!
Posted by DaVicar2 at 12:14 PM : Aug 11, 2008
Explain how preventing babies from being "manufactured" is any different than abortion.
Common sense would tell you that children adopted by *** will have sexual issues as they get older.
The statistics are not yet in for divorce among ***
or emotional problems of children adopted by ***.
That *** want to adopt and raise children, I believe, will result in many more children needing psychiatric attention as the age.
And so it goes.......
Sorry for the confusion...
When the parents are Male and female the kids learn how to deal with both.
I was raised by a single mom and out of concern she got in touch with the Big Brothers of America So that I could have male influence.
It''s all about balance.
Parents need to think of the kids more than themselves.
Parenting is giving, not a single *** gimmie.
Hmmmmmmmm!
ty
I''ve always been a live & let live guy when it came to homosexuality - but now they''re affecting children - and so I''ve change my view on homosexuality... it''s no longer a private matter between consenting adults...
If you are an abusive heterosexual parent - they''ll take your kids away - raising children in this kind of gay household amounts to child abuse & should be stopped...
I would never let my children go over for playtime in such a household...
Time to crack down - they''ve gone too far
to have children raised in a home where they are actually and really wanted, sounds pretty ok with me. Maybe some of the straights will figuire this out, LOL. If you choose to plan a family, have children, teach and demonstrate love, the chances are quite good that the children grow up to tolerant and respect diversity in others, even bigots.
There%u2019s more to being a "Mom" than two guys flipping a coin to see who%u2019s going to wear the dress.
This is a very selfish act.
So teacher, you mean babies don''t come out of the ***?
So teacher, you insert it where?
So teacher, this process involves a woman?
So teacher, babies suck breasts for milk?
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SOME 7-YEAR-OLD WALKS UP TO YOUR SON AND KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH BECAUSE THAT''''S WHAT THE DADDYS DO AT HOME?"
Posted by fenner at 01:03 PM : Aug 11, 2008
You should try thinking about these things and what kids go through and stop just thinking of yourselves and how much you don''t like breeders.
Liberals are insane! Liberals lie about everything to get what they want. Liberalism is a lie.
Sexual preference should be kept private and discreet. Nobody else needs to know how proud you are or that you prefer to be different than the majority. Even if it does become more accepted doesn''t make it right.
And contrary to modern beliefs. It is okay to disagree with this lifestyle. It does not mean you are less educated or bigoted in some way. My belief is many times, gay behavoir is spawned from some sort of abuse or trauma during their development. There, I said it! It''s okay to feel ashamed fo it. It''s okay to feel remorse. Now get help.
What a shame.
Single parent hetro families are rarely intentional and definitely not optimum.
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SOME 7-YEAR-OLD WALKS UP TO YOUR SON AND KISSES HIM ON THE MOUTH BECAUSE THAT''''''''S WHAT THE DADDYS DO AT HOME?"
Posted by fenner at 01:03 PM : Aug 11, 2008
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Posted by marcpcbs at 01:05 PM : Aug 11, 2008
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I''ll tell him the same thing I would if a 7 y.o. girl walked up and kissed him on the mouth. "It''s not appropriate for kids to kiss on the mouth".
I can''t believe all the comments on here equating messed up kids being raised by same *** couples. Have you people been following any the news stories over the passed decade. The kids who shot up Colombine were raised by mom and dad; the 11 y.o. that held up the Walgreens yesterday was raised by mom and dad. I haven''t heard one news story about a kid raised by 2 moms or 2 dads going and doing some heinous crime. So where''s your proof???
Single parent hetro families are rarely intentional and definitely not optimum.
We get your point
"the chances that gay men will molest there children is 10 times that of the general population.*** should be banned from adoption boy children..."
Reported as abuse for multiple postings of the same comments.
YOU ARE RIGHT! And all of us straight, border-line moral well-intending American Hetero-types want to KEEP IT THAT WAY!
So Mote It Be. . .Those of us with good sense to realize the sexual orientation has nothing to do with being good parents or raising good kids will sit back and watch you "border-line moral well-intending American Hetero-types" IMPLODE.
Posted by superdem at 01:38 PM : Aug 11, 2008
Too many times it''s assumed that because someone is g.a.y. that they can do no wrong. G.a.y. people can make as many mistakes as hetro people and thinking that mom being present during child rearing makes no difference is wrong.
Intentionally pursuing a no-mom family is wrong.
And while the PC Police won''t ALLOW for any kind of honest or scientific forum on the subject that oppose their established view... at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself - does it makes sense that being raised by a g*y couple would have a detrimental effect on a growing child in relation to all those very base, fundamental aspects noted above?
"Liberty and justice for ALL. And you religious freaks - Jesus never said ONE SINGLE WORD against gay people."
The argument here is not against gay liberties. It is against exposing innocent children to perverse acts.
P.S. How did you get this way? Did you have a traumatic experience (being laughed at)with a woman?
Do you think that you harbor hate for women in your subconscious? Do you think it is genetic? Please share your opinion of what happened.
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