Un-tying The Knot

Taking A Closer Look At The State Of Our Unions And What Happens When Marriages Fall Apart

(CBS)  Is breaking up really hard to do? Maybe not, when you consider that about 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. But times are changing, and to start off Valentine’s Day week, correspondent Kelly Wallace reported our Sunday Morning Cover Story, examining marriage and divorce in America.

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First things first: About half of all couples who marry in this country actually will make good on that vow to tough it out "for better or for worse … "til death do us part…"

And - for better or for worse - 85 percent of us will eventually take that trip down the aisle - or at the very least, pay a visit to the marriage license bureau, like the one that CBS News correspondent Kelly Wallace visited in New York City.

And when you ask newlywed couples like Philip Hansen and Nicoline Petersen about the future, things look pretty rosy, despite the fact that nearly one out of every two first American marriages will fail.

"Why did you decide to get married?" Wallace asked the happy couple.

"We have been together nine years, four months," Nicoline told her. "When you have been living that long, time has decided we will spend our lives together."

"You're optimistic?" Wallace asked the groom.

"Yes," he joked, "I am coming here now just to get divorced tomorrow."

Laura Gibson and Chad Rimer like their chances, too.

"Why did you decide to get married?" Wallace asked them.

"There has always been a feeling I am in it to the end," said Laura. "I love him, I trust him, that is why I do not think we will be a statistic."

So what are their odds?

With Valentine's Day around the corner - we thought we'd take a closer look at marriage, and divorce, in America in 2008.

To begin, you'll be encouraged to learn that, while the divorce rate doubled from 1960 to 1980 (the days of the sexual revolution), since 1980, the number of divorces in this country has pretty much remained steady.

But one thing has changed: There's been a fundamental shift in the way we view divorce.

"Divorce is - used to be - just absolutely stigmatized," says Dr. David Popenoe, co-founder of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey. "And you know, divorced women a hundred years ago had to leave town in small town America."

"I would say marriage has changed a lot," Popenoe told Wallace. "Basically, in '60 and earlier, it was sort of an ironclad institution that was held together by law, by religion, by family pressures, by economic dependency. And all those things have withered."

But some things remain the same. Maybe you remember "The Seven Year Itch," Hollywood's classic take on temptation.

We certainly recall Marilyn Monroe's figure, but what about that seven year figure?

"The seven-year itch was essentially a device - a playwright's device," explained Raoul Felder. "But then they started doing studies. And sure enough, what do you think? The average marriage broke up in seven years, when they're gonna be divorced."

Felder ought to know. They call him the shark of split - he's a legendary New York divorce attorney.

"What is it that happens after seven years that you say, 'I'm done'?" Wallace asked him.

"I think it's probably the first few years, there's magic and mystery, and the next couple of years there's buying a home and having children. And now you stagger through to the seventh year and you've had enough. Ain't nothing left," said Felder. "so it's to the lawyer's office."

But Dr. Popenoe says that these days, it's more like the eight-year-itch.

"That eight-year average length of marriage that ends in divorce used to be seven. So it's gone up a little, which is kind of good news. It's lengthened."

But divorce lawyers say there are other critical times for a marriage.

"It's not the only spike. Another spike is at 17 and 18 years when the oldest child is set to go off to school," says Vanden Eykel, a lawyer in Dallas.

"But we have a kind of cruel joke in the business," he said. "And that is that mom gets the house and the last couple of years of high school, and dad gets his secretary."

"I actually think there is a seven year itch," says Los Angeles attorney Stacy Phillips. "Generally, it's more the man, more the working spouse. Even though we have a more egalitarian society now, moms still do stay home - he marries the younger one who he met at work, who looked up to him with those big eyes. And he said, 'She's great cause she works.' And then, she gets pregnant and she stays home, and the cycle repeats itself."

Back at the New York license bureau, Lourdes and Luis Jimenez's marriage presents intriguing statistical probabilities - it's a second marriage for both. That makes it even more likely they'll wind up in divorce court.

Still, they're optimistic.

"We are going to live each day as if it's the first date," says Lourdes, showing off her new ring.

For them, the second go-round may indeed be the charm. As we said, the divorce rate has remained steady since 1980 and even declined a bit.

"One of the big reasons, we think, is because there were many fewer teen marriages in those later years," says Dr. Popenoe. "And teen marriages, which we had an awful lot of early on, are the most prone to divorce."

[hypnotoad72]

Why bring up *** and lesbians? Marriage is a religious institution and nobody should feel militant enough to break into their world and change their rules (many of which I agree with).

As for "civil unions", there''s no problem. But certain militant organizations helped people like Bill Clinton and Paul Wellstone sign the DOMA.

Besides, before I cleaned up my life, I tried doing the gay lifestyle. Nobody wanted relationships; just "wham bam, thank you mister". So don''t tell me "Don''t knock it until you tried it". Indeed, sometimes it really is okay not to try it in order to not like it. Murder, rape, other apparently harmless activities come to mind... (/sarcasm)

[radiob-2009]

Marriage is hard work, and even then it does not succeed people grow apart and discover that after years of marriage that they should never have been together to begin with.

[millandering]

I%u2019m a big fan of %u201CSunday Morning%u201D and, since the advent of the DVR, never miss your program. %u201CUn-tying the Knot,%u201D a story about ending one%u2019s civil marriage, was interesting, well produced and, at times, humorous; yet, there was an omission that brings me to actually write my comments to CBS.

Maybe divorce is simply too easy.

My spouse and I have a marriage that would be extremely difficult to end, though after seven years, we love being married and love each other dearly. We are one of those couples statistically more likely to %u201Cmake it,%u201D as both our parents stayed together, we were older when we got together, we are both well educated, and, while not well off, do live comfortably. If the unthinkable were to happen I%u2019m not sure how we could achieve a divorce.

We had a civil union in South Burlington, Vermont on July 1, 2000, and %u201Cupgraded%u201D to marriage in Windsor, Canada on our anniversary three years later. Due to the laws we married under, one of us would have to move to Vermont for a year, and one to Canada, before we could legally end our legal relationship.

Basically, if you%u2019re gay or lesbian, and you don%u2019t live in the state or country in which you became married, you%u2019re married for life.

And they said we%u2019d be the downfall of marriage; I%u2019d say putting a stop to divorce is one heck of an achievement! How about a story about that?

[millandering]

I%u2019m a big fan of %u201CSunday Morning%u201D and, since the advent of the DVR, never miss your program. %u201CUn-tying the Knot,%u201D a story about ending one%u2019s civil marriage, was interesting, well produced and, at times, humorous; yet, there was an omission that brings me to actually write my comments to CBS.

Maybe divorce is simply too easy.

My spouse and I have a marriage that would be extremely difficult to end, though after seven years, we love being married and love each other dearly. We are one of those couples statistically more likely to %u201Cmake it,%u201D as both our parents stayed together, we were older when we got together, we are both well educated, and, while not well off, do live comfortably. If the unthinkable were to happen I%u2019m not sure how we could achieve a divorce.

We had a civil union in South Burlington, Vermont on July 1, 2000, and %u201Cupgraded%u201D to marriage in Windsor, Canada on our anniversary three years later. Due to the laws we married under, one of us would have to move to Vermont for a year, and one to Canada, before we could legally end our legal relationship.

Basically, if you%u2019re gay or lesbian, and you don%u2019t live in the state in which you became married, you%u2019re married for life.

And they said we%u2019d be the downfall of marriage; I%u2019d say putting a stop to divorce is one heck of an achievement!

[millandering]

I%u2019m a big fan of %u201CSunday Morning%u201D and, since the advent of the DVR, never miss your program. %u201CUn-tying the Knot,%u201D a story about ending one%u2019s civil marriage, was interesting, well produced and, at times, humorous; yet, there was an omission that brings me to actually write my comments to CBS.

Maybe divorce is simply too easy.

My spouse and I have a marriage that would be extremely difficult to end, though after seven years, we love being married and love each other dearly. We are one of those couples statistically more likely to %u201Cmake it,%u201D as both our parents stayed together, we were older when we got together, we are both well educated, and, while not well off, do live comfortably. If the unthinkable were to happen I%u2019m not sure how we could achieve a divorce.

We had a civil union in South Burlington, Vermont on July 1, 2000, and %u201Cupgraded%u201D to marriage in Windsor, Canada on our anniversary three years later. Due to the laws we married under, one of us would have to move to Vermont for a year, and one to Canada, before we could legally end our legal relationship.

Basically, if you%u2019re gay or lesbian, and you don%u2019t live in the state or country in which you became married, you%u2019re married for life.

And they said we%u2019d be the downfall of marriage; I%u2019d say putting a stop to divorce is one heck of an achievement! How about a story about that?

[neo267-2009]

But of the 1/2 that stay together, how many are actually decent relationships?

The problem with marriage today is selfish, narcissistic people who have no sense of commitment and only see relationships as manipulation.

[zootallures2]

It''s never ending immature high school dating... it''s just never ending high school period...LOL!

[blackwater9]

What happens to marriage? Many factors control a individuals motives, I believe in this era, look for the warning signs, if a man or woman is 40, and never maintained any term relationship, start looking deep into their past, maybe there''s a good reason for their status. If they can''t hold employment and are still dependant on their aging parents, if they give you excuses for not meeting their friends, open your eyes and save yourself alot of legal headaches. know what you''re doing before you make the same mistakes as I.

[hoosiergram]

I watched Sunday Morning for the first time today and enjoyed the show. Regarding "Untying the Knot," I''d love to see a segment on marriages that SURVIVE, even grow and flourish, under very trying conditions. For example, committed couples coping with a child with cancer or other serious disease, couples where one has a debilitating condition affecting both of their lives as well as their children''s, couples who have lost a child. There are many wonderful examples of such couples out there. Thanks.

[olebd]

Posted by MyOpinion1 at 03:49 PM : Feb 10, 2008

Will you have a long talk with my wife? LOL

I keep telling her, sometimes you have to push yourself....find energy to spend time together whether it''s in the bed or just talking. You''ve got to put at least as much energy into your marriage as you do in your kids in order for it to work. My talks don''t do any good. She''s in bed by 9 every evening (we only have one kid)And guess who does 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning? I wouldn''t think of leaving though because of how it would affect our child. If I knew then what I know now...

[rowdytexan2]

Posted by libsrsissy at 02:19 PM : Feb 10, 2008

I don''t have any. What do you tell yours?

[psk123-2009]

Not all women make out in a divorce. Not only did I spend most of the marriage supporting my ex., but he got the house, the cars, the boats and everything else. Except of course the bills and the kids. I got those. He wanted alimoney and child support (although I had full time custody) if you can stand that.

All said and done, stuff is just stuff and bills can be paid off... eventually any way. While it would have been nice to have had an equitable split of the marrital assests, I would have been very happy to just get what I came into the marriage with. Needless to say, I got squat there too.

It has been a few years and the bills are paid, the kids are nearly grown and very happy. So am I.

[rowdytexan2]

I would think the days of the ''traditional'' marriage is over. Maybe the best thing to do is keep government and God out of marriage. It is a committment between two people that has nothing to do with law or religion.

[sandy19731]

I think asking couples counselors about success in marriage would make more sense than asking divorce attorneys.

[mrbrill]

Unlike the person who didn''t like this report because it didn''t talk about people who stay together without marriage, I think the point of this article was to talk specifically about the institution of marriage. And while there are those who want to make marriage more of a religious institution, since there are legal implications as well regarding marriage, then we''d need a complete overall of the laws and if we make it a religious institution only, then religions would be able to define their own rules about marriage, such as allowing polygamy. Are you really ok with this concept? (I can then imagine the government doing nothing and allowing this to happen would turn into an event worse than the housing crisis where the government did nothing until the problem was too big.) Also, what is the purpose of making marriage only a religious institution. It sounded like those people are saying that marriage would be able to be considered "sacred" again and divorce rates would go down. Since most people in US are religious any, I can imagine that the divorce rates would be practically the same. As the article pointed out, one reason divorce rates were lower a long time ago was that women were pressured into staying in unhappy marriages by family, religion, or financially. Are we saying we''re better off by making those women stay in unhappy marriages so we can keep the divorce rate low?

[rowdytexan2]

Having been the dumpee twice, all I have to say is that it didn''t work for me. All I got was two beautiful children and my grandchildren. I guess I did something seriously wrong, cuz I got no money out of it, even tho one was a millionnaire. Screw money, it doesn''t make you happy! The second time around, I got the best husband a woman could ask for when he was sober, but alas...I was just too embarrased by the garbage full of beer cans every week. ROFL

The very BEST relationship I had was 14 years with a man when we had separate homes, yet we couldn''t have been more married than if we''d have signed the papers. Agent orange eventually got him, bless him!

Those with marriages with longivity are very lucky folks. I salute you. In my case, freedom has been a wonderful thing.

[blackwater9]

After 3 months of marriage, i found out that she had made a successful attempt at covering her sorted past of several serious abuses. with both of my young children of a previous marriage in my custody, she had to go. but of course she still seeks a middle 5 figure sttlement. where is the justice, what happen to adults taking care of their own affairs, she brought nothing to the union, but surely wants to take, can you say gold digger..

[vet4peace]

Now that I am getting divorced(dumped) by my wife and having 40% of my net income extorted by her,I tell myself love comes and goes but a prenup never changes. Had I known when I got married that the woman I had dreamed to be my partner for life only wanted a sperm donor and a big bank account I would have surely made a prenup agreement. We do live in a disposible society where men and women can dump their spouse for some extra cash from the child support and alimony. There should be a mandatory prenup agreement for all high income earners prior to marriage so if one waives that mandate at least he or she had fair warning that half their income would be to pay for an ex-spouse to live off your hard work.

[veeble]

An item on divorce including the usual ,actually mandatory professional nattering about the independance of women without once mentioning "divorce settlement "or "alimony". You might want to run a clip the words of the female
prosecutor spoke to the jury in the case in harris county texas in the case of the woman who ran over her husband.The prosecutor said."If you find your husband with a younger woman you take his house,his kids ,his money and his car by divorcing him.....you make him wish he were dead but you dont murder him"

[j-whitman]

Un-tying The Knot -- Is FREEDOM & LIBERATION