Year-End Wrap-Up

Miss Something? Lloyd Garver Fills You In On The Year That Just Was

(CBS)  2007 will probably best be remembered as "The Year Of The Longest Presidential Campaign." Unfortunately, 2008 will probably be remembered for the same thing. There are "only" about 10 more months before the election. Are we going to be able to take 10 more months of platitudes, pandering and pretensions by the would-be Pooh Bahs?

There was a time when many of us loved the idea of presidential debates, and couldn't imagine that there could be too many of them. Now it feels that there are more debates than actual voters. 2007 was also the year of the Major League Baseball drug revelations. Who would have thought that men whose muscles, feet and heads grew after the age of 40 were actually putting something in their bodies other than spinach? And the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book was published, but I doubt we've seen the last chapter of the adventures of Paris-Lindsay-Britney, etc.

Until recently, I didn't know that Britney Spears had a 16-year-old sister. Now, thanks to the front pages of America's newspapers, I know that this little sister is pregnant. Her condition is not so extraordinary as to merit a mention here, but its being reported as "news" on the front page is. What is it about these girls and young women that interests people so much? Do they like to read about the mishaps and missteps of young people who get rich too quickly? Or are they simply fascinated by the irony of somebody like the Spears girls whose mother -- right when the teenager announced her pregnancy -- was in the midst of writing a book about good parenting?

There have been some news stories that you might have missed in recent weeks because of all your holiday shopping or partying. It's my duty to fill you in. In the area of loud news, 627 people in Anaheim, Calif., played their tubas simultaneously. No, this was not a bizarre coincidence. They were attempting to set a Guinness Book record, and pending verification, they very well may have. See, it's not just politics that produces noise and hot air.

Al Gore, who was considered the Big Loser in 2000 when he lost the presidency, won a share of the Nobel Peace Prize. He's also won an Oscar. And he hasn't had to wage a war or watch from the White House as the dollar dropped faster than one of the aforementioned young women's hot pants. Sounds like Al Gore might have won after all.

Just before Christmas, the FBI announced that it is expanding its computer database of information on people. Just what we all felt they needed to do, right? We already knew that we are photographed many times a day, and that our identities are in all kinds of governmental databases. But the FBI plans on expanding its files by using new "biometric" data. The idea is that they will be able to identify people not just by fingerprints, but by their iris patterns, face shape, and maybe even by the unique way that some people walk. I'm a little worried about this. If I lose or gain weight, my face shape changes. And what if my posture finally improves, and I start to walk with an entirely different gait? Will they arrest me because they think I'm Public Enemy Number One: Willy "Good Posture" Williams?

Finally, every year many people erroneously blame their holiday turkey for making them sleepy. They say it's because of the amino acid, tryptophan. The truth is that many foods, such as chicken, pork and cheese contain at least as much tryptophan as turkey. Moreover, there are other amino acids in these foods and in the other foods that you eat at your dinner that counteract the sleep-inducing effects. So, it's fairly unlikely that eating turkey will actually make you any sleepier than eating most other foods. I guess you'll have to look for another cause of that sleepy feeling you get when you eat with your family and you hear those same old stories from your aunts and uncles. Hmmm.

I have very positive feelings about 2008. I'm especially looking forward to the Olympics in China. I can just hear track coaches from around the world shouting encouragement to their runners in Beijing: "Get the lead out!"

Happy New Year.

---

E-mail your questions and comments to Lloyd Garver

Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them in hardcover.

[quatrops]

Garver is certainly right about the excess of "debate" in 2007. I suppose we can fault the MSM for much of that. Controversy, disagreement, and "attack"-mode stories are the easiest to write in that they require little in the way of research or insight. And whether it''s NRO or Nation, the story''s title and publisher forecast exactly what content follows, so we needn''t bother with the text.

At least it keeps us posters off the streets, penning our inane profundities, attacking each other with juvenile barbs and finding ways to avoid the censor''s scissors. Of particular surprise has been the preoccupation of so many on the right with all things anal. If there''s a psychologist out there looking for a thesis subject for his doctorate, that would indeed make for an interesting study.

After the election of Bush, AGAIN, in 2004, who can blame any of us for feeling misanthropic, and for being more concerned about the loss of the tiger than we are about the death of his victim?

[lindainsfnm]

Al Gore is a winner-no doubt. He is class, Statesman, Visionary and Experienced, all in one. The losers are the American people and our planet that had to be governed by George Bush and his ilk. And the name of Big Loser is reserved for George Bush, because that describes him.