Reflections On The "wide Stance."

By Josephine Hearn

(The Politico)  The Crypt wanted to take a moment, in the midst of the burgeoning Larry Craig lewd conduct scandal (initial story here, Craig's statement here, arrest report here, full backgrounder here), to reflect on the good senator's explanation for why his foot touched that of an undercover cop while the two were in adjacent stalls at an airport bathroom.

Craig told investigators that he has "a wide stance when going to the bathroom." A "wide stance"?! Yes, that explanation was truly the best the senator could come up with, that his stance is so wide it in fact strays into the next stall and assaults someone else's foot. The "wide stance" will truly be a phrase for the ages. "I wasn't soliciting sex; I just have bizarre bathroom habits."

Had The Crypt been advising Craig, she would have gone with an explanation involving a sudden fall, a slip on who-knows-what in a public bathroom that sent both foot and arms flailing. This could have accounted for the tapping foot ("I was trying to get my balance"), the waved hand under the stall divider ("I was trying to catch myself as I fell!") and the foot-touching ("It slid as I went down! Thank goodness you were there to stop the fall!"). We all know there are few hand-holds in these places. Heck, there's usually not even a hook for your purse, and probably fewer hooks in the MEN'S room!

Research scientists often work by the principle of Occam's razor, the idea that the simplest explanation for a phenomenon is the most likely. The extinction of the dinosaurs is more likely to have been caused by the earth's collision with a massive meteor than by a Lex Luthor-inspired stegosaurus pumping tons of ash into the atmosphere with a giant fan, even though both scenarios would produce layers of ash in the geological record.

By that reasoning, Craig could have done better. The "wide stance," a feat unto itself, explains only a portion of the behavior. He had to come up with more elaborate excuses for the rest. He said the hand waving was the result of him leaning down to pick up a piece of paper, but the officer contends there was no paper.

The Crypt encourages all readers, especially Democratic staffers, to use Craig's excuse the next time they need one. Boss: Why were you late? Staffer: I'm so sorry. It was, you know, my wide stance. Boss: Hahaha! Okay, just get to work.