The Divorce Course

Everyone has heard of pre-marital counseling, wherein engaged couples spend time with a clergyman or family therapist who discusses various aspects of married life. Experts say this can often help couples resolve difficult issues before those issues can create a rift in the relationship.

So what's so surprising about the idea of, well, post-marital counseling -– a class for couples who are breaking up that can teach them how to get through the emotionally difficult and draining process of ending a marriage -- without harming their children.

For eight years, Dr. Mark Banschick of Katonah, N.Y., has taught divorcing couples how to behave when in the middle of a divorce and keep it on track.

"We talk about the hazards of divorce and how to protect yourself. It's very similar to defensive driving," Banshick told Early Show special contributor Jill Brooke in part two of the series, "Reconcilable Differences."

Because pain can make people self-centered, they become less able to function, he notes.

"If a person gets divorced, they're supposed to feel like they're failures. So when you're supposed to feel like you're a failure, you've got to blame someone. And so you're going to blame the other person," said Banschick.

Common mistakes are leaning too hard on youngsters for emotional support or using the children as sounding boards when blaming the spouse for problems.

Banschick says he often relies on role-playing to show parents how harmful their actions, even unintentionally, can be for kids. "Adults need to go to adults for help, not to their children. Clergy. Therapists. You go to your best friend. But don't go to your children," he says.

After one role-playing session, a mother was asked if the course, and the new way of thinking, was effecting her divorce.

"A common situation, and one I experienced, would be when I was starting to say something about the children's father that was not kind," said participant Sue Price. "It was negative. And just realizing that I needed to keep that to myself, and not say it in front of the kids, because it puts stress on them (was beneficial)."

"It enables you to see what the behavior is if you don't do the right thing, how it's going to affect your kid. ... It's a more dramatic picture," said another mother, Susan Tracy.

[porme409]

While Dr. Banschick and many others have identified the impact divorce and parental behavior has on children. If one parent is not willing to accept these to be truths...there is very little hope for the children until they become adults. I would like information on how you pick up the pieces into adulthood.
Parental Alienation and the court system are still world''s apart. I know I''ve spent 175k in been to court 265 times..in CT. I only hope the information becomes part of Family Law training

[mpooler]

On todays show they gave a list of children''s rights. I would like a copy or e-mail of these. How do I find out how to get a copy

[mssusan43]

Two books that I felt to be life savers for age 3-10 are Feelings Only I Know and More Feelings Only I know. Both are on divorce by Susan McKenna. I found them at www.wayfarerbooks.com

my friend bought on amazon. They were wonderful!!!!

One is on divorce in general, positive and nuturing and the second is for families having a lot of problems with divorce like fighting. There are parent guides in the back of each!!

[keithle1]

Divorce when you don''t have kids is relatively easy. Unless you''re Donald Trump or Bill Gates. Assuming you''re not, he goes his way & you go yours. I understand the concept of child support but not alimony. Why should you expect to enjoy the same standard of living that you enjoyed with your husband now that you''re divorced?
Doesn''t make any sense. He has to send a payment to you every month until you get married.

Always put the kids first & you can''t go wrong.
If you don''t & you choose to play the kids against your ex & bad mouth the ex in front of the kids then once they become adults they''ll let you have it. Kids don''t forget stuff like that. It''s burned on to their brain.

Maybe couples shouldn''t rush to have kids right after marriage. Give it time. See how it goes. Better yet, long before you get married, ask yourself the question: do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Or am I just lonely, desperate, all-my-friends-are-getting-married, I''m running-out-of-time-to- have-kids, etc. Divorce lawyers are rich enough.

Good luck.

[christinar5]

Children suffer from the effects of divorce more than we can possibly imagine. My divorce has been final for two years now and my kids are still having a hard time dealing with the divorce. My divorce was a long, difficult, expensive battle and I think Dr.Banschick is providing a great service that will not only help children cope with divorce, but also encourage parents to put aside their differences and think of how the divorce is affecting their children.

Christina Rowe
Author of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce- what every women needs to know
http://www.secretsofdivorce.com

[christinar5]

Children suffer from the effects of divorce more than we can possibly imagine. My divorce has been final for two years now and my kids are still having a hard time dealing with the divorce. My divorce was a long, difficult, expensive battle and I think Dr.Banschick is providing a great service that will not only help children cope with divorce, but also encourage parents to put aside their differences and think of how the divorce is affecting their children.

Christina Rowe
Author of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce- what every women needs to know
http://www.secretsofdivorce.com

[edsherman2]

Fighting and conflict are a normal part of divorce. Ongoing fighting after the divorce is over is what does the most damage to children. If you can work out your differences and cooperate with your spouse during the divorce, you will teach your children by example that problems can be solved. This is a valuable life lesson. In my book %u201CDivorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better%u201D I give couples lots of tips and practical advice on how to reach agreement, based on my experience helping more than 45,000 couples go through divorce. Too many people don%u2019t realize the difference between the legal divorce and the real divorce. The legal divorce deals with property, custody and support. The real divorce is what your life is about and how you go about it. It%u2019s about ending one life and starting a new one. If you%u2019re having trouble, it%u2019s almost certainly not legal. Almost all divorce problems are due to upset, personal relationship issues, and poor communication. The law has absolutely no tools to help solve these kinds of problems, so if you want to help your children get through this difficult time, you%u2019ll want to learn about structured problem solving, how to move from grief to growth, avoid the common psychological traps of divorce, and discover the basic elements of a successful divorce.

[jankebenz]

whatever happened to vow keeping and to commitment thru better or worse. Marriage has eroded to a disposable self centered relationship,with little or no concern for the consequencetial damage to the family.is it any wonder we have such huge problems with disalusioned and dysfunctional youth . The institution of marriage was meant to bind a man and a woman to a lifetime of commitment,faithfullness and responsibilities including children

[toldyouso21]

CORRECTION:

But he does and has admitted to being hurt and angry about how my HUSBAND reacts and treats his halfsister. He wants to know why she is sooo great that his dad will stick around and why he was not good enough to get his dad to stay. It hurts him esp since his mom has since died.

People should read the old classic "The Rocking Horse Winner" it is a story about a little boy, who could ''feel'' all the things that were not said and what he knew because of what was not said--were killing him.

Tension is palpable, anger and resentment, even hidden is palpable, when people speak of hiding it or just not revealing it, it is more for decorum and the sake of appearances and the ex spouse than it is for the kids. The kids almost always know or sense the discordance of even a divorce and it WILL affect them later. They will deal with it (what choice will they have) but they will be affected by it and it will govern later relationships of their own.

[imhurtingcan]

My name is Vickie Gunnells-Hodge, author of "I''m Hurting, Can Anybody Hear Me? For Parents of Divorce & Separation" that was released just yesterday, and the reason my book exists is because of children interviewed and talked with for the past 17 years who want their parents to realize that though you have decided to separate from each other, I still only think of one of you as my mom and the other as my dad. So if you can keep anything beyond that away from me, I would really appreciate it. Parents are hurting and pain does make any of us act differently. But in the midst of that pain for you, this book allows each parent the opportunity to do a self-analysis of his or her relationship from beginning to end; and it constantly reminds you of the difference in feeling for your child opposed to yourself. It then allows you advice in how to make your ex aware of any negatives you may have expressed to help with communication for your still existent family. Even suggesting that you mail the entire journal to your ex at months end to evoke better communication between you guys for the sake of your child and your still existent family. I''m Hurting Can Anybody Hear Me? For Parents of Divorce & Separation allows you to gauge the parent you are based on your own parent scale, while receiving scripture guidance to help you in always making the best decisions for all of you as a family.