When Teen Dating Turns Bad

Family Circle Magazine Survey: Abuse In Teen Relationships Is Common

(CBS)  Teenage love can be exciting. But sometimes it can be more than puppy love and turn dangerous. A new article in Family Circle magazine tells parents some of the signs to look for in an unhealthy teen relationship, which may be more common than many people think.

The magazine found that 25 percent of teens are harassed or put down by a partner via their cell phone through verbal conversations or texting. The magazine also found that 71 percent of teens say their boyfriend or girlfriend spread negative rumors about them and 75 percent of parents didn't know their teens were physically hurt or bruised by a partner.

Anya Alvarez, 18, says that at 15 she was abused by two different boyfriends. She said the first relationship lasted only a month, but the emotional abuse began after two weeks. She wasn't allowed to go out with her friends or do the things she loved. He also started putting sexual pressure on her. Anya then entered into a second relationship — which also lasted a month — and the exact same thing happened. She never talked to her mother about it.

"She had no idea," Anya told The Early Show co-anchor Hannah Storm. I didn't tell her about the sexual abuse, how they tried to control me. I didn't see it as a problem. I thought, it happened, I'll get over it and move on. I didn't realize how it would affect relationships I had later."

Betty S. Wong, executive editor of Family Circle, said when teens enter into their first relationship, they don't know what is appropriate. Things like wanting to be with the other person at all times and jealously can easily be mistaken for love.

"Love really is blind in your first relationship," she said.

Wong said parents should pay attention to changes in their teen's behavior. If she changes the way she dresses, stops participating in family activities or her grades fall, it could be a sign that a boyfriend or partner is being controlling. Another big sign is cell phone or computer use.

"Technology creates accessibility," Wong said. "With cell phones and computers, kids are never out of touch anymore."

Wong said if parents find out their child is in an abusive relationship, they should control phone use to minimize further contact. Parents should also reach out to the school, and perhaps have the child's locker moved or pick her up earlier.

"Also," she said, "just be supportive."

If you are a teen in need of help or are a parent who suspects your child is in an abusive relationship, seek help here:

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (NTDAH)
866-331-9474
Loveisrespect.org

Choose Respect
Chooserespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233, ndvh.org

Break the Cycle
888-988-8336
breakthecycle.org
Legal advice, support, online communities and education for abused teens

Love Is Not Abuse
Loveisnotabuse.com

[uradufuss]

"The magazine found that 25 percent of teens are harassed or put down by a partner on their cell phones, verbally or with texting." --CBS/AP--

Just another good reason not to want your teen to have a cell phone, I guess.

[lissacat883]

when i was almost 15, i lost my first love to suicide, our relationship, was in the least a healthy one. He was loving yet possessive, jealous and manipulative. i am 38 now, and this has had an impact on my life that still affects me today.

[godofredo29]

You know, just once I'd like to see a story like this that included guys in it.

[wiccantexan]

You won't see it, godofredo29. Males are much less likely to be forthcoming about abuse, even more so teen males.

[wiccantexan]

uradufuss, they'd just call the home phone. An abuser always finds a way.

[jazzykitty7]

Our true story: My daughter was 16 when she fell for a 22 year old man. It immediately went sour and I was finally successful in breaking it up after two months of h . . l.

For the next two years he continued to harass and threaten us and our friends that were helping us. He threatened to kill her and I on many occasions. The police were not helping us.

We finally made the decision to leave the area - we left good jobs, great friends, a nice place to live. Now we're barely surviving - trying to make a new life. I still can't find a job - money is gone.

Watch who your children are dating!!! You have the right to know what is going on!

[wildchatt]

My beautiful daughter is STILL suffering the effects of her first serious teen relationship. This boy shoved her to the ground, isolated her from friends and family, got her expelled from her private school, got her (a nationally ranked athlete)to quit sports, & bruised her up - one time even in our church's Ladies room.

When she dumped him, he stalked her. When we got a restraining order, he filed for one also then followed her relentlessly and repeatedly called the cops saying HE was being stalked. Once while I was driving her car, he tried to run me off the road. Another time he followed us to a restaurant. I took a picture of him cruising us while we ate, took it to the police - he even followed us to the station - and STILL he wasn't arrested.

Oh, and Uradafuss, this was ten years ago so my daughter didn't have a cellphone. They were pretty expensive back then. If she'd had one, she could have called the cops. Pulling over to a payphone when he was following her wasn't safe.

[phydeux1]

I think its sad that guys feel the need or desire to abuse women like this. But its hardly relegated to teens. Most of the women I've dated have been abused at some point by a boyfriend or former husband, which is often why they seek out a guy like me, the gentle type. But us nice guys end up paying the price by dealing with pent up aggression, mistrust, and general dysfunction created by guys who came before.

The sad thing is that it seems like girls/women tend to deliberately go for the "bad boys" because its edgier, more dangerous, and they hope maybe if they love them enough they can tame the beast inside them. And while that may work with some, there's a lot of guys who are only the beast inside.

Incidentally, this young lady is very beautiful. :)

[godofredo29]

You know, just once I'd like to see a story like this that included guys in it.

[lizaellen]

Sadly, I know all too well about the dangers of teen dating control. My daughter met her future husband at the age of 17 and he was 29. They married in 1999. She had freedom to a certain extent. Things were beginning to deteriorate but Liza never told me there were things wrong in her marriage. On September 2, 2004 when she told him she was unhappy, he raped her and tried to smother her with a pillow and his hand. She never told me until 12 days later. I wish I had known. She left on September 17th and called him from her cell phone to say she had left him. He checked into a private psychiatric hospital because he was suicidal. She felt safe and moved back to her home. She did everything right, consulted an attorney, went into counseling and had deadbolts installed professionally, packed up his stuff and gave him his motorcycle keys and car keys but kept his house keys. The police were 4 minutes away. The night after his release, he broke into the house and shot my daughter in the temple with bucshot. She died instantly. She was only 29. He then committed suicide. I only wish that I had been able to see the red flags before I lost Liza. We have started a foundation in her memory and are starting to educate at the middle and high school level in local schools. Liza will not be forgotten. Hopefully with the programs we have in place we will be able to save lives.

[linfinster]

GODOFREDO ... TRUE, 83,000 + MEN ARE ABUSED BY WOMEN EACH YEAR, A DROP IN THE BUCKET COMPARED TO THAT OF WOMEN. But if you are thirsting for information about that subject, the WWW is at your disposal .. type away and get your facts, then start printing fliers and distibute to get the word out. YOU can do something too besides whine!

[mennowoman]

Maybe the video interview was better than this article, but this article has almost no usable information. A sign of date abuse is withdrawing from family and friends? It's a sign of depression, drug use and low self-esteem, too. Computer and cell phone use is a sign of abuse? Then every teenager in the world must be abused, since they are endlessly on the phone and/or computer.

If parents find out their child is in an abusive relationship, they should be supportive? Better advice would be that the parents should help the child see they are being abused and help them get out of the relationship AND get them help to find out why they would be in an abusive relationship to begin with.

This article seems to conclude that every teen's first relationship is going to be abusive, but that's just not true. Teens don't have to accept abuse and parents have an obligation to help their children learn that.