Are Women "Opting Out" Of Careers?

Scholars Disagree Over Why Fewer Mothers Stay At High-Powered Jobs

(CBS)  When Nicole Knox had her son Jackson three and a half years ago, she asked herself: Could she continue working as a lawyer at her high-powered firm?

“I went back and forth and then finally I decided that I couldn’t do the level, I couldn’t be at the level I needed to be at the job I was doing and also do what I wanted to do with Jackson,” Knox told CBS News correspondent Kelly Wallace.

Knox, who's 33, was student body president at Northwestern Law School. She never expected to be an example of a heated debate these days: mothers opting out of work.

“I never planned to stay at home,” she said. “I’m really not a homemaker. I wasn't at the time. I'm much better now.”

Ever since the New York Times profiled some highly educated career women who gave it up to become full-time moms, “opting out” has been seen as the latest trend in mothering – a kind of social revolution.

But the question is why did these women turn their backs on corporate America to be home with their kids? Did they opt out or did they run out of options?

“It’s a myth,” said Sociologist Pam Stone, author of Optiong Out: Why Women Really Quit and Head Home. “It’s a myth in two ways. There’s no revolution and women aren’t opting out, they are being shut out.”

In researching her new book, Stone found most left top careers with great reluctance.

"I really expected that I was going to hear them telling me all about family and all about the pulls of family," Stone said. "But instead what I found is they were talking a lot about work, and it was the conditions of their jobs that were really forcing them out, forcing them into making a decision."

Philosopher Linda Hirshman has a different take. She believes women are choosing to walk away from work — and making a big mistake.

Her book — Get To Work — outraged many stay-at-home.

“If you opt out, you do not use your full talents and abilities, for the most part,” Hirshman said. “If you try to get back, it’s very hard to get back to the place that you left.”

Hirshman wonders why it's always the women struggling to balance work and family.

“If working part-time is such a great idea, why aren’t men doing it?” Hirshman said. “They are not doing it.”

Some women say it's not opting out, it's opting different.

"It's not fair to say you're opting out and that's it, you're no longer working or wanting to work, it's where you're opting out of a certain level of work or job or certain lifestyle," she said.

That's what Nicole Knox has done. She started a law firm from home.

Business — and her family, she says — are thriving.

[jujugvc]

Every woman is different. I used to look at a girlfriend who work 60 hr/wk and raise her son, and wonder why I could not do that! I had 3 girls within 15 months, so it was not practical. I stayed home for 6 years, then began to work part time. I work for a great employer who gives me total flex time. I get paid hourly - no benefits - but I consider a part time opportunity at a fair wage a BENEFIT! I ahve tried leaving my girls with teenage sitters - they all seem to want to sit in front of the computer or tv while "watching" my girls! Not satisfactory! So, I work part time, and I get to do all sorts of stuff with my girls - PTO, driving them to chorus, tennis, karate - we are INVOLVED with one another. I am grateful for the way it worked out and I will NEVER judge anyone - I just hope other moms & dads get to know their kids like I get to!

[colleeno2]

I just needed to say to someone somewhere that I think t his Pamela Stone's idea is crazy. She thinks that women who stay at home receive more credit and have "rewarding lives?" Women who stay home are marginalized in our society. This is a fact. I live it every day. When my son was born there was NO ONE in my neighborhoode who stayed home. Finally we moved to a town where maybe 1/3 of us are at home. We are the ones who make the parties at school possible. We are the ones who are able to do all those "little things" that working moms will say arent important, but ask their kids, that holiday party is the most important thing to that child on that day. Children live in the moment. They are not "big picture". We need to be there for our kids in that moment. There has never been any doubt in my mind that I would stay home. Degree from Northwestern. Insurance background. Highly employable. Don't care. Now I am in a position to work and I do, as a substitute teacher at my son's school. I dont have to make him feel guilty if I miss work because he is sick. He is my priority. I am not saying that women cant make work a priority, but I wonder why they have kids and then complain so much about all that the kids take away from them. I dont think corporate America is selfish, I think women who want to work and have families and have everyone cater to THEM are selfish. You just cant have it all. That's not unfair, it's just life.

[jdthejd]

I was 33 when I quit practicing law to stay at home with my young children. Here's something young moms should think about: I am now 45, trying to reenter the job market and my prospects are bleak. My kids don't care that I stayed at home. I feel like a servant because they expect me to do everything home-related: housework, cooking, gardening, still packing lunches and backpacks, helping with homework every night. Someone will write and say "well, she shouldn't have done all that" Let me tell you, all their friend's stay at home moms are treated the same. We are under-valued, unappreciated and no one respects us. Keep this in mind before you quit your job where you are appreciated and valued. You need to think long-range because those cute, sweet toddlers turn into entitled,spoiled teenagers. Don't walk away from everything you worked so hard for!

[cinsy-2009]

I did want to post one more thing. I did not make my decision in a vacuum. My marriage is a partnership and my husband and I both had a part in my staying in the home. Our goal is turn my home based business into "our" home based business so that he can be here more for our family too. He's just as concerned about the kids, and wants to spend quality time with them too. He gets it, this time in their lives is too fleeting. He's the one that goes to work at 3:30 in the morning so he can spend more time at home while they're awake. But frankly, his income and benefits are just too hard to replace as of yet. So, working at home was not a woman or a "Mom" decision, it was a family decision.

[cinsy-2009]

I did want to post one more thing. I did not make my decision in a vacuum. My marriage is a partnership and my husband and I both had a part in my staying in the home. Our goal is turn my home based business into "our" home based business so that he can be here more for our family too. He's just as concerned about the kids, and wants to spend quality time with them too. He gets it, this time in their lives is too fleeting. He's the one that goes to work at 3:30 in the morning so he can spend more time at home while they're awake. But frankly, his income and benefits are just too hard to replace as of yet. So, working at home was not a woman or a "Mom" decision, it was a family decision.

[brookd007]

They both have it dead wrong!!! I wasn't shut out of anything. I did choose. My husband and I have made great sacrifices for me to stay home and take care of our three kids. I would not have it any other way. Also, many women, like Nicole Knox and myself, are working from home doing something we enjoy and doing it on our own terms, not someone else's. I may not be moving up any corporate ladder, but that is not where I would want to be even without kids! I think women in this country have discovered the entrepreneurial spirit and found that it works much better than some "high-powered" job. Look, enough of the women's lib thing! If you really want us to have choices, then don't complain when we choose differently than you! We do have choices and I choose my kids!!!

[brookd007]

They both have it dead wrong!!! I wasn't shut out of anything. I did choose. My husband and I have made great sacrifices for me to stay home and take care of our three kids. I would not have it any other way. Also, many women, like Nicole Knox and myself, are working from home doing something we enjoy and doing it on our own terms, not someone else's. I may not be moving up any corporate ladder, but that is not where I would want to be even without kids! I think women in this country have discovered the entrepreneurial spirit and found that it works much better than some "high-powered" job. Look, enough of the women's lib thing! If you really want us to have choices, then don't complain when we choose differently than you! We do have choices and I choose my kids!!!

[brookd007]

They both have it dead wrong!!! I wasn't shut out of anything. I did choose. My husband and I have made great sacrifices for me to stay home and take care of our three kids. I would not have it any other way. Also, many women, like Nicole Knox and myself, are working from home doing something we enjoy and doing it on our own terms, not someone else's. I may not be moving up any corporate ladder, but that is not where I would want to be even without kids! I think women in this country have discovered the entrepreneurial spirit and found that it works much better than some "high-powered" job. Look, enough of the women's lib thing! If you really want us to have choices, then don't complain when we choose differently than you! We do have choices and I choose my kids!!!

[jet9991]

MOST WOMEN are likely HARDWIRED via their DNA and and 3 to 5 million year of evolutionary baggage to have an innate desire and need to be with their young children for more than just "quality time." They often didn't want their infants warehoused in daycare centers, of left with often incompetent or uncaring nannies.
HOLLYWOOD'S VERSION OF CORPORATE LIFE IS MISLEADING. Obviously when David E Kelley writes his scripts, his primary purpose is entertainment, so certain cinematic liberties are taken. In the case of corporate law practice, note that the law firms being portrayed in shows like Ally McBeal, BOSTON LEGAL and other series have endlessly interesting points of law being discussed, no one seems to ever be working, billable hours somehow are magically accrued, tort(damage)defendants routinely fold like a house of cards in days for millions of dollars, trials happen near instantly and are often completed in days.
THE MARGINAL TAX RATES for spouse B with a successful Spouse A are often so high that the 2nd earning spouse on a net basis is earning very little. For example for a self-employed Spouse B (on any job, even part-time)they will be paying as high as 55.3% of each dollar in a typical state,based upon a 35.0% fed rate, 5.0% state rate. 12.4% self-employment tax (to the ceiling), and the (unlimited ceiling) 2.9% medicare tax, in lower brackets probably 30% on the margin, and with daycare, clothes, and transportation 30% to 70% overall.

[ReaceS]

I was blessed to have the opportunity to stay at home with firstborn son for nine months. Unfortunately, I did not enjoy it, which in turn means my son was stressed out--staying at home was not the right decision for me.

Fortunately, I found a great job with a company that values family. I have managed to develop a great work-family balance and my two children are happy and thriving at a small church daycare across the street.

I admire moms who are able to stay home--your job is harder than most believe. I also admire moms who balance work and home--your job is tough too. Ultimately, though, I feel we should stop criticizing each other and help each other out.

The reality is that each of us has to make decisions that work for our families. I believe my kids are healthier and happier because I'm happier.

Having a choice is the blessing. We should support each other's choices and do what we can to help make all these situations work.

[ecuadoriana]

I am so happy to read here how so of you opted to put your families first! A lot of people tell me "We both have to work so we can afford to live."

But I look at their lives & all I see is stuff & stress. The parents are always arguing & arranging about who is picking whom up at which day care or after school activity. And who's picking up dinner, because there's no time to cook. The horror stories of parents who thought the other one was picking the baby up from the sitter. They are stretched to the max & what little time they have left over they try to "create quality family time" usually around the tv, one of several they own; along with the pool they never have time to swim in, the video games & toys & electronic gadgets, the stuff & more stuff.

I'm so sad for the kids who wouldn't recognise their parents in a line up, unless it's the back of their heads- because that's all the kids ever see from the back seat of the car...

I can't help but think, how can people call that living?! That is merely existing.

[lovinghome]

There is no better joy in the world than knowing you are making a difference every day in your childs life. I use to work in corp america and made a personal choice (which we all do) to stay home and raise my child. No one ever goes to their grave saying 'I wish I would have worked more'. I have NO regrets making the choice to stay home. My husband and I have had a rough transition from two incomes to one, but both of us are on the same page. Tough times have brought us closer and we appreciate what we have so much more now than we ever did before. There is always a light at the end of a dark tunnel...when your child says momma or dada for the first time. I don't want to miss a thing. I commend all the moms that can do it all. I just wish that the working moms wouldn't look down on the stay at home moms. Both jobs are extremely hard and there is no right or wrong option. We all just have to look out for our children's best interest. What ever that may be...so, to all moms...do what ever is in your heart and that is the right choice for you and your family. God bless. And Happy Mother's Day.

[dogsoul]

"If we start letting other women tell us what to do, or make us feel badly about our choices, then we haven't come very far, have we? "

Amen - that was very well put.

By the same token though and as I mentioned before... I think we need to kind of qualify such statements as:

"Being home with my children is simply more important to me than the money or the career."

Because I think that for many women who DO work, it's not necessarily because they value money & career more than their children or time spent with them. Most often, it's simply a matter of making ends meet. Particularly for newer families, just being able to afford a mortgage with today's housing costs often requires two incomes. Certainly people make sacrifices & "make do" in order to afford living on a single income... but I think in today's world, it's simply not an option for most families...

[hbudnik]

I am a stay-home mom, who also has an active CPA license, an MBA from a top-tier school, and nine years of work history. Seven years ago, I decided to leave the work force when my first child was born, and I have not yet returned. Being home with my children is simply more important to me than the money or the career.

To me, feminism doesn't mean that I'm the same as a man; it means that I'm free to make my own decisions based on who I am as a woman. It doesn't really matter if you stay home or work. What's really important is that you think for yourself and make the decision that is right for you and your family. That decision is different for each one of us. If we start letting other women tell us what to do, or make us feel badly about our choices, then we haven't come very far, have we?

[dogsoul]

Aside from a few select industries/jobs... most people's "careers" aren't nearly as self-defining, fullfilling, or frankly as important compared to their families. Let's face it - after a generation or two of the "career woman" bonanza, a lot of women have come to realize that most of what men have historically boasted about relative to their careers amounted to a bunch of haughty hot air they talk about with their buddies on poker night. Sure, a lot of guys have engaging & possibly important work - but for most, it's basically a means to provide for their families. Frankly, who CARES if you "win that case" or land that big account - aside from how it benefits you & your family, it's usually just another day at the office... I think a lot of modern women have "arrived" so to speak, only to find it's not all it was cracked up to be... and some choose to stay at home - much to the dismay of some feminine activists.

Not so fast though, while some may be fortunate enough to HAVE that option, the economics have changed - and now, for most, the option of staying at home isn't so easy to come by on a single income... Reminds me of a scene from the movie 'A Bronx Tale' where the mob guy offers to let a group of thugs leave & they disrespect him... then he locks the door & says, "...now yous can't leave..."

[dogsoul]

"What careers? GW Bush single handedly striped USA middle class jobs, so they all pay like fry cooks now, except you don't get a free lunch."

Ya know... I was waiting for the liberal to come out & try to pin THIS one on Bush too... really is amazing, Bush not only controls hurricane weather, but he can also force women to stay home... he must be an alien - or a demi god or something... knock it off liberals - you may have legitimate beefs with Bush, but trying to stick everything & ANYthing on him no matter HOW absurd really detracts from your legitimacy...

[cinsy-2009]

Opting different? I beleive what I did was make a career choice. I started my own home based business. I volunteer in my children's classrooms, and in the community. Yes, I also take care of the house. I am more busy now than I ever was before. My switch from corporate America to cottage industry has allowed me to have a more flexible schedule to fit more of what I want to do into my life. I didn't "opt out", I became a more fulfilled, well-rounded individual. It has also allowed me to be more hands on in guiding my children to become conscientious members of society. These choices are just as valid and valuable as the contribution I could have made in corporate American.

[ecuadoriana]

"I don't have as much saved for retirement as I should, but I have a wealth of memories...closeness to my daughters that few fathers have.
Posted by RichEhrlich at 08:38 AM : May 11, 2007

You made a vadid point: many people argue that they need to save for retirement. But I suspect that your closeness with your children is starting up a new/old fad of children taking care of their parents in their old age! Good job, dad! Blessings.

[richehrlich]

Prior to getting married and having children, I put in 60 hour weeks at my job. I loved my work and to a great extent it defined me. After getting married in my mid-30's, and having two daughters, my priorities shifted. I cut my hours by 75% and my income by about the same amount. While this caused some tension in our house, I felt that it was important to be as involved with my daughters as possible. I was able to get involved in their classrooms, coach their soccer and basketball teams and go on all of their field trips while continuing to work part time out of an office as well as my house.

Twenty years later, with my girls now in high school, I am able to look back at the time that I was able to devote to them as a precious gift to me. Where work defined who I was in the 80's, the greatest part of my identity today is my daughters. Though my marriage failed 6 years ago, in part because of my reduced committment to work, because of my closeness and involvement with my girls, I was able to have custody of them 50% of the time. I still attend all of their sports competitions, though I sit on the sidelines, and the class trips are fewer, but longer (imagine leaving from Connecticut at 5AM to see Gettysburg and return the same day). I don't have as much saved for retirement as I should, but I have a wealth of memories from being a coach, a tour guide, a field day coordinator and class dad as well as a closeness to my daughters that few fathers have.

[harp1963]

Maybe it's because they have realised staying at home with the kids and creating a relaxed family environment for their children is way better than putting them in a chaotic day care center.