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March 21, 2007

10 Rules For Babyproofing Your Marriage

The House Is One Thing, But Your Marriage May Need Babyproofing, Too

By none

  •  (AP)

(WebMD)  Most new parents know they will eventually have to cover their electrical sockets and take other steps to baby-proof their home, but what they may not know is that it can be equally important to baby-proof their marriage.

In "Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows," authors Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone etch out a game plan for couples who want their marriage to stand the biggest, yet smallest, test of all — a new baby.

"Baby-proofing your marriage is important because a happy marriage makes you happier individuals and that trickles down to how you parent your children, and where there is tension in the marriage or dissatisfaction, it can rub off on the kids," explains Julia Stone, a mother of two boys, aged 5 and 2 1/2, in Kennett Square, Pa.

No doubt about it, bringing home a baby can be stressful, says Scott Haltzman, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."

"Predictability goes out the window, and it challenges the couple to make new rituals and new routines, but none can be written in stone because baby will dictate and even that will change every few weeks," he tells WebMD.

But following these 10 simple baby-proofing rules can help you keep your marriage solid while raising children.

  • Realize you are not alone. "Everyone goes through an adjustment when they have a baby," Stone says. "A lot of people think they are the only ones having issues, when the problems are universal." It's a global conspiracy of silence, she says. "No one really talks about the degree of work involved in being a parent, and it comes as a surprise."
  • Saying "good job" won't kill you. "Validation is a big thing that most people need, so instead of saying 'you put the baby's dress on backward,' say, 'You are a great dad,'" she suggests. "It's the simple things that we often get too critical of one another about."
  • Understand the Great Mom and Dad Divide. "Men and women react to parenting differently," Stone explains. "Men go into provider panic, and women get extremely focused on the baby. Women zero in on the child and it consumes them to a degree that they never expected, and men are surprised by that and think, 'Hey, where did my wife go?'" Haltzman adds that "when a new baby arrives, moms are more anxious and fathers and husbands tend to feel increasingly helpless that there is nothing they can do to make their wives feel better."
  • Avoid the 10 p.m. shoulder tap trap. Sex matters, it's that simple. "A man's sex drive not changing after having a baby is normal; but a woman's changing is also normal," Stone explains. "Sex is the glue that keeps relationships together." So both weary mom and harried dad need to find time for it. But many women report that their husbands merely give them a 10 p.m. shoulder tap when they crave sex. "Women told us that romance evaporated after the kids were born; but the 10 p.m. shoulder tap doesn't work," Stone says. "Men need to still pay attention to the finer things." Springing for a babysitter and a regular "date night" would give both parents some time to relax and enjoy each other's company again without distracting baby duties. Or try a "dad on duty" night, with father taking over the diaper changing, cooking, and cleanup while mom relaxes with a book or a long bath. The payoff could be a rested and ready partner. And there's no reason you can't add a bouquet of grocery store flowers, wine, and candles to a dinner eaten while baby naps.
  • Don't play "midnight chicken". Nobody wins in midnight chicken. According to the book, midnight chicken is "a battle of the wills where each parent pretends to be asleep and blissfully unaware of the screaming down the hall in the hopes that the other parent will get up and tend to the crying baby." Instead of playing chicken, Stone says, "split up the night somehow so that both partners can get a solid chunk of sleep."
  • Loosen the gender roles. Plan a training weekend, she says. "This is where the husband is left to man the kid ropes on his own for a weekend," Stone sys. The dual benefits? "He learns a new respect for what it takes to care for a baby, and since some women have a hard time letting go of the reins, this teaches them it's OK and that their husband can take care of it," she says. What's more, "the husband gets a chance to bond with baby on his own terms." Stone's prescription: Have training weekends early and as often as the baby changes and enters new phases. "A little continuing education is always a good idea," she says.
  • Stop scorekeeping. "You really can never end scorekeeping completely, but you can ratchet it down by dividing and conquering," Stone says. "Don't worry about the stuff that is not on your list and acknowledge that both parties are giving 100 percent and no one has it tougher than the other," she says. Remember, "You are rowing in the same boat."
  • Make deals. "It's OK to trade two nights of dishes for one night out," she says.
  • Rein in the in-laws. "Establish a pecking order where your nuclear family comes first before your extended family," she says. "Everybody wants to get their hands on the baby, which is a normal thing, but it can create tension if you don't put your spouse before other family members."
  • Remember that this, too, shall pass. "Recognize that this time is unique," she says. "As children get older, these issues diminish and if you recognize that it is uniquely stressful, but will come to an end, you can keep a long-term view of it," Stone says. "Couples need to continue to make their own relationship a priority, because in 18 years, this brand new child will be out of the house and on his own, but you will still be with each other and you have another 30 years together, so you just can't put your relationship on the back burner," Haltzman says.



    By Denise Mann
    Reviewed by Louise Chang, M.D.
    © 2007, WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.
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    Add a Comment See all 12 Comments
    by susanhelit March 22, 2007 9:02 PM EDT
    Whoever the parent is who spends less time will alwasy be a bit clueless - it's important to even that out as much as possible. My husband is a stay at home dad, so I'm the clueless one. But that's still rare enough that I understand why articles like this one are written as if it's the husband who is doing less of the care.
    Reply to this comment
    by susanhelit March 22, 2007 9:02 PM EDT
    Whoever the parent is who spends less time will alwasy be a bit clueless - it's important to even that out as much as possible. My husband is a stay at home dad, so I'm the clueless one. But that's still rare enough that I understand why articles like this one are written as if it's the husband who is doing less of the care.
    Reply to this comment
    by anopinion1 March 22, 2007 12:09 PM EDT
    you sound sooo smart....
    what a geneous...

    btw was it you that knocked up your sister a smart man
    Reply to this comment
    by apdepetris March 22, 2007 12:08 PM EDT
    I don't think they are trying to say that dad's are dimwitted. It's just that it is usually the mom that is home with the baby for the first couple of months so they get to know their childs unique quirks and nuances. And dad's need some exclusive time with the baby to learn these things as well.

    My daughters are almost 4 and 7, an my husband still doesn't know all the subtleties involved in taking care of them. But when my kids tell me that daddy is doing something the wrong way, I try to explain to them that daddy isn't doing it wrong, that he just does it differently - he just does it his way which is still OK.
    Reply to this comment
    by ndg1979 March 22, 2007 8:07 AM EDT
    I'll really be reading up on this some more. There will always be times I will enjoy being the dimwit DAD, but in relation to this issue and the clowns below who have written nothing of value I say this - get with the program!

    I am 27 and have been single for many years now, focused on getting my career together and if you can believe it - helping to raise my niece. I have obtained a unique perspective on raising children (she is 3 now) that will shock and surprise some woman out there someday. What can I do? EVERYTHING! And do it gladly if you can believe that. I know what my reward will be in the end.

    I have done it all - rocked her sleep, fed her, changed her, played with her - all except bathe her (my sister did at least do that). I have learned that if as a guy I want attention from MY future lady, I had better do something to deserve it or I will get nothing. Since the small things count and I have already had significant training - I'm ready to go. To everyone else who is crying about what should or should not be done - grow up.

    As for me, when I meet the right lady and the child shows up - I know I'll be getting laid while you will still be griping!

    Signed
    A Smart Man
    Reply to this comment
    by dogsoul March 21, 2007 9:01 PM EDT
    The only thing that irritated me is how the guy is generally painted as being some mindless inconsiderate lout who requires "training" for something neither may have done before...
    Reply to this comment
    by dogsoul March 21, 2007 8:43 PM EDT
    Statistics show that people who live together before getting married have a higher rate of divorce - that much is indisputable; HOWEVER, that's not to say living together before marriage CAUSES more divorce - but it certainly doesn't support the idea that it guards against it... The real difference lies in comparing the population characteristics of:

    population A - those who will engage in unmarried cohabitation
    population B - those who will NOT engage in unmarried cohabitation

    Those who make a point NOT to cohabitate before marriage are often motivated NOT to do so by certain societal, cultural and/or religious influences that frown upon that activity - and also happen to frown upon divorce while championing the family unit. These influences also address a whole host of behaviors that can negatively impact marriages.

    Those who WILL cohabitate before marriage are generally less influenced by the above-mentioned factors. That's not to say they're "worse" than population B or for that matter non-religious, amoral etc..., just that - in general - compared to population B, there's less structured/ingrained influences toward maintaining the marriage.
    Reply to this comment
    by dmorg4 March 21, 2007 8:29 PM EDT
    Well folks im sorry to tell you that
    "Common sense is not so Common anymore"
    Reply to this comment
    by ecuadoriana March 21, 2007 8:16 PM EDT
    This article is right-on. Unfortunately, the writers assume that the readers have common sense- most don't!

    It still boggles my mind that there are still the "soap opera" girls out there in high school and, sadly, beyond who think they can trick a guy into loving/marrying/giving a cr*p about them if they have a baby. Every teenage girl out there "giving it up" for her "man", thinks she will be the first girl in the history of the human race to have some pimply-faced, ego/hormone-driven guy fall madly, hopelessly & forever in love with her, have babies & live happily ever after with barely an education & minimum wage employment!

    The welfare lines are full of those "sure he'll respect me in the morning" girls!
    Reply to this comment
    by anopinion1 March 21, 2007 7:48 PM EDT
    agreed
    rule number 2
    don't have kids....

    the devorice rate is so high because many many people who have'nt lived together yet get pregnant. then they decide to marry and live together before the baby is born. and the combo of the 2 destroys relationships.
    Reply to this comment
    by ewharper March 21, 2007 7:37 PM EDT
    Or... you could just NOT have kids in the first place!
    Reply to this comment
    by anopinion1 March 21, 2007 7:30 PM EDT
    Rule number 1
    Don't marry someoone you have'nt lived with for 4-5 years already let alone have a kid with them...
    Reply to this comment
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