Cashing In On Disney's Vault

(CBS)  Disney Films is giving new life — and a new direction — to a classic from the vault. The straight-to-DVD feature "Cinderella III: A Twist In Time," is in stores now. The tag line promises this devious plot twist: "What if the slipper didn't fit?"

Since the good people at Disney have again shown themselves open to repurposing their timeless classics, I would like to offer a few suggestions of my own:

"Peter Pan: The Pubescent Scourge"
"Where'd all that hair come from?"

"Pinocchio 3D"
"It's like his nose is going right through your eyeball!"

"Song Of The South: Revenge Time"
"Uncle Remus ain't singin' Dixie no mo'!"

"Lady, The Tramp, His Wife And Her Lover"
"A black comedy about a chance encounter in the alley behind a Vietnamese restaurant."

"Sleeping Beauty II: The Accused"
"The jury must decide just what a woman can sleep through."

"Snow White And The Six Dwarves"
"Grumpy's dead. A confession is made. Will Snow White hang the wrong little man?"

"The Lion King IV: Human Encroachment (featuring Robin Williams as Idi Ah-Meanie)"
"Simba fights poachers, child soldiers and an evil dictator to save his habitat."

The repurposing strategy doesn't have to stop at animation. Disney-owned Touchstone Pictures has dozens of hits ripe for a redux.

"What's Love Got To Do With It II: Reunited"
"Ike and Tina are back. This time Tina's calling the shots, and throwing the punches."

"Calendar Girls II: Erotic Sunset"
"The cougars of Knapely, England, embark on a global sexcapade for a good cause: Alzheimer's research."

"When a Man Loves a Woman" Reality: Where Are The Now?
"The true story of Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. What happens if your career peaks and no one notices?"

"The Horse Whisperer Horror"
"When the animals whisper back, you'll scream yourself hoarse."

Thinking outside the box could provide the Walt Disney Company a much needed cash stream to stave off the natural corporate urge to create a wildly lucrative yet morally bankrupt Pixar Porn division.

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Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.