Fly With A Smile — And Nothing Else

Contributor Lloyd Garver Has The Naked Truth About Where Commercial Aviation May Be Heading

(CBS)  Do you feel that your privacy is invaded when you go through security at the airport? Just wait a little while. Soon, those TSA inspectors may be able to see what you look like naked.

Devices using something called "backscatter technology" are able to see what we look like underneath our clothes. They were planning on testing this new technology at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport around Christmas, but postponed it because of "technical difficulties." They also felt that Christmas wouldn't be the ideal time of year to introduce people to their Peeping Tom technology.

These $100,000 machines use X-rays to look under clothing for hidden items. Customs agents looking for drugs at 12 airports are already using them, they are in prisons, and they're getting a test run at London's Heathrow Airport. By the way, our government says we shouldn't worry about those X-rays. That reassurance should be good enough for us, right?

Surprise, surprise, the ACLU feels that this is an invasion of privacy. It's hard to argue that it's not. What could be more private than our "privates?" The only question is whether the potential danger outweighs the potential peeking at our naked bodies. It's like the ban on bottles of liquids. We may wish that the passenger next to us had been allowed to take his bottle of mouthwash with him on the flight, but we've been told that carrying liquids on a plane is a potential danger, so we just hold our noses.

The Transportation Security Administration claims that their computerized voyeur can be tweaked so that passengers' private parts can be blurred out. But that doesn't make any sense. If the bad guys know what parts of their bodies are going to be obscured, won't they just hide their contraband in those areas?

Once the system is in use, the TSA will have no problem finding people who want to join their ranks. A machine that can see through people's clothes is a teenager's dream come true. We're going to see long lines of kids going directly from their high school graduation to the TSA employment office.

Physical fitness is another potential that I see here. Men and women will want to get in the best shape possible before flying, just like before the Bathing Suit Season.

Currently, the plan is for these devices to be used only on passengers who "fail" the standard screening process. They will be taken to the X-ray area, and they will be given a choice between the backscatter machine and the more traditional pat-down search. But let's face it: if this thing is really more effective in detecting bombs and other threatening devices, don't you think there's a good chance the TSA will be using it on everybody before long?

It's just one more step in the government's plan — a plan that will culminate in requiring that we all fly in the nude.

I know it may sound like a reach at first, but think about it. Isn't it obvious that they have been gradually preparing us for flying naked by desensitizing us? Their technique reminds me of strip poker. Or dating. In those activities, articles of clothing like a jacket or shoes are innocently removed at first, and then before you know it, everybody's naked.

Similarly, the TSA has gotten us used to removing our shoes, our jackets, belts, jewelry, etc. If security procedures continue to escalate as they have been doing, it shouldn't be long before we're all required to fly in the nude. And if we're told that this is for our safety and for the security of our country, we'll go along with it. (I don't even want to think about where they're going to ask us to carry our boarding passes.)

We won't get used to it immediately, but who would've ever guessed ten years ago that we would have gotten used to the current security measures? At first, passengers will probably use their tray tables and blankets to cover their shyness. But after a while, people will stop feeling self-conscious.

And I have the feeling the government will do its best to convince us that not only is flying naked the safest way for us to travel, but that it will be fun, too. It's bound to result in some flirtations and romances, so the TSA will promote the program as giving a whole new meaning to flying "the friendly skies."

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Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from "Sesame Street" to "Family Ties" to "Frasier." He has also read many books, some of them while flying.

[desertrat200]

Whine, whine, whine. The Aclu is a pain in the a**. We're either going to check people thoroughly or we're not. I am always aware the ACLU NEVER offers solutions to the problems they raise, just obstruction.
There are only two versions of humans: males and females. One machine for each with appropriate gender operators. What's the difference between this and a locker room or rest room? DUH!
Jeez.

[random_radar]

I agree with Lloyd. It would be cheaper and more effective to just have everyone take off their clothes and put them in those gray plastic bins. Visual inspection is better and safer than X-rays. Besides, if you had to get naked in front of everybody, someone may notice what the TSA people miss. Of course, if you are attractive enough, everybody may miss the bomb you are carrying...

[karma-doodle]

I've said for months we should all go through airport security buck naked. You have simply taken the next logical step. Bravo!

[beacheshuman]

Yeah, but I will surely miss those pat-down searches. That was the best part of flying. I always enjoy the slightly embarrassed looks of the screeners as they try to look SO PROFESSIONAL while patting all over a perfect stranger's body.

[bildooreilly]

I just decided to stop flying when they passed the "no cigarette lighter" rules.. **** up a rope, I hope the airlines all go broke... they aren't getting another dime of my money for their scam if I can help it. I'll drive across the country if I need to go somewhere... screw the government and the airlines.

[bildooreilly]

desertrat, they check people alright, old 80 year old white men... they'll have them undoing their drawers and the whole bit, then pass everyone else right on through, I've seen it firsthand..

[bildooreilly]

Nothing like missing a flight because of this *** too, I had it happen once in LAX, another time I had to run to make the flight at LAX, surprised I didn't get shot for running through the airport.

[bildooreilly]

Freedom isn't guaranteed safety, freedom is dangerous and untidy, and obviously something most people don't seem to be cut out for these days.

[bildooreilly]

Freedom is a risk, a risk worth taking...

[catt42701]

This is an invasion of privacy. The only people I want to see my body is my doctor, my husband and if sick my care takers. That's all, no one else, especially a stranger.

[bildooreilly]

Hey catt, and don't forget some of the kind of people they have watching us... like the homeland security guy who was caught trying to pick up 14 year old girls on the internet.

[dosguy-2009]

America - Love it or move...to a FREE country.

[orgazer]

There are only two versions of humans: males and females. One machine for each with appropriate gender operators.

yeah, and how are you going to deal with all the gay females, gay males, and bisexuals among both passengers and screeners? sort em out by category? (str men and lesbians can check men, gay men and females can check women, etc..?)
and if so, how are you going to *police* that? how are you going to *know* that screener didn't lie to on the application, so she can check out all the hotties? Bisexual screeners (half the population, by some reckonings) will *have* to lie, or they'll be out of a job (think about it) ..
that is unless we're given the option of the "leering" or "non-leering" line. those of us who just don't care -or think it might be fun- can go through the leering line (probably moving a lot quicker. face it, most people aren't worth a second glance.. especially if you're seeing naked people all day every day ;)

..in which case we really might as well "fly the friendly skies".

[orgazer]

There are only two versions of humans: males and females. One machine for each with appropriate gender operators.

yeah, and how are you going to deal with all the gay females, gay males, and bisexuals among both passengers and screeners? sort em out by category? (str men and lesbians can check men, gay men and females can check women, etc..?)
and if so, how are you going to *police* that? how are you going to *know* that screener didn't lie to on the application, so she can check out all the hotties? Bisexual screeners (half the population, by some reckonings) will *have* to lie, or they'll be out of a job (think about it) ..
that is unless we're given the option of the "leering" or "non-leering" line. those of us who just don't care -or think it might be fun- can go through the leering line (probably moving a lot quicker. face it, most people aren't worth a second glance.. especially if you're seeing naked people all day every day ;)

..in which case we really might as well "fly the friendly skies".

[orgazer]

sorry for the dupes. when i clicked publish the first time, it didn't. then it published *three*.

[orgazer]

(part 2)
What's the difference between this and a locker room or rest room? DUH!

yep, this has always been a huge joke of a blind spot in our society - in the name of fundie prudishness we give all the *** and lesbians a nice free show, that we deny all the *good* boys and girls. hardly seems fair - unless you're gay and you figure it sort of makes up for some of the persecution! (makes sense..)

I know for a fact that, years ago, the guy who used to watch me holding my johnson to pee in a cup for drug testing was getting his jollies (DUH! who do you think volunteers for those jobs?). but it was ordered by law, so the choice was that or jail. Your tax dollars at work!

Which brings me to one other huge advantage to "the friendly skies." that even the writer missed. At 100,000$ a pop, times x number of lines per airport times x number of airports.. plus maintenance.. how much is this all going to cost?
ie how much are airline ticket going to be jacked up to pay for all this? or is Uncle Sam going to pick up the bill? (no problem, we're already trillions in debt for Iraq, whats another few billion? As long as DC never runs out of green ink, they can't run out of money, right? )

maybe the best options they can give is the naked, cheap airline with fast-moving lines vs the expensive hi-tech airline. I could see SouthWest doing it. my friends would *all* fly that way.. especially if there was a hot tub in back..

[hayrodgers]

Okay, it seems I will be in the minority in this posting as only one other person seems to be on my side of things. I want to address this whole freedom BS. So you aren't allowed to run around and do anything you want, you are may even have to do some less than pleasant things within that freedom, but this country is free! The fact that you can post this BS without fear of horrible punishment proves this is a free country! Try disagreeing with the government in China! So you have to pay for your freedom and safety is some ways, boohoo. Get over yourselves and understand somethings are bigger than you.