freeSpeech: Mary Lowry

As an employee of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, I am often asked, "Why don't abused women just leave?"

I can best explain by telling about a recent hot line call I received. A woman I'll call Linda was at a pay phone with her two small children. She'd just fled her abusive husband to keep herself and her children safe.

Because he'd isolated her from friends and family, she had nowhere to go. And because he didn't allow her access to finances, she had no money.

Linda told me she'd resided at a domestic violence shelter once before. She'd stayed there for the allowable time, which was four weeks, but hadn't been able to save enough money to rent an apartment. She had returned to her abusive husband out of necessity. But this time, she was determined to make it on her own.

I called every shelter in her area, but all of them were full. What happened to Linda is all too typical.

On a daily basis, advocates on the National Domestic Violence Hotline are unable to help many women reach safety because there's no room in the shelters. We need to create more domestic violence shelters and help guarantee that victims won't be driven back to their abusers by lack of longer-term housing.

When Linda and I hung up that night, she told me she would either sleep in the car with her children or go back to her abusive husband and suffer the consequences. Domestic violence survivors deserve better choices.

---

Mary Lowry is a writer and a hotline advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She has worked in the domestic violence movement for three years.

[borntwice-2009]

I wonder how many churches already help battered spouses? There are so many requests for aid and the limited amount of funds can only go so far. It's too late to suggest that you get to know a person before you walk down the aisle with him or her. But, that is the best advice for anyone thinking about marriage. Don't rush into anything. Get to know all about a person before you commit to a lifetime with him or her. And since we are talking about the churches helping the battered spouse, a person might start looking for their spouse in their church. Someone who is committed to Jesus and behaves accordingly would seem to be the best choice for a mate.

[sunshine_2]

mjb29853

National Domestic Violence Hotline.. is not Gender Restricted ...it takes calls fro any one abused.... it is not the same as calling the Local Womens/Childrens Shelter.
You may have been confused by the Hotline's spokes person just talking about women as it was related the the O.J. Controversy and his abused ex-wife (Nicole).
Though there is far less "National Publicity" on Female initiated abuse, it does not make it anyless wrong, and it is also believed to be greatly under-reported, because of male "ego/manliness" issues.
But the facts remain that Male Initiated Abuse on Women or Children, Nationally, far exceeds the number of Women Abusers. Another fact, however, is that women are recently becoming a larger number of the Abusers causing injuries or deaths to children and violence against men is on the rise.
Is it becaus more men report it? Or becasue more women are doing it? I dont think we know yet.

[sunshine_2]

borntwice:

To answer the "Teatment For The Abuser" issue.
Many such programs exist, but a greater number of the abuser wont go or dont go because they don't actually admit or believe they have a problem. Even when it is mandated by a Court System, and Anger Management is not alwaysthe answer for the Abuser. Domination is, in many cases the Only Life they know, and in many cases they do "need an submissive" partner to Satisfy that addiction of "winning at all cost" adn to be "better then someone else". Some people liken it to a "cave man syndrome", but the fact is it is a phsycological conditioning or mental illness that is most often the root of the "Abusive Nature".
I agree with providing some "retraining an mental health", but not at the cost of the "abused victim" remaining available for then next "re-laps".

Our Society needs to take the Protectoriate Role, not just our Government. Churches could take on a larger portion of the "sheltering and nuturing role" for the victims while they evaluate their options. But why arent they? As Individuals, maybe we can speak to our Church Leaders on this very important role our Religious Comunity could/should play. As individuals maybe we can contact our local shelters and Offer a Safe Home, to extend the victims chances to overcome the abuse and get resettled.

[c19753]

THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE NEEDS COUNSELING, NO DOUBT. PEOPLE WHO ARE ABUSIVE JUST MIGHT BE ADDICTS TOO. THE FAMILY NEEDS A SAFE PLACE TO HEAL THEIR EMOTIONS WHILE THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE GETS HELP THAT MIGHT TAKE MONTHS OR YEARS. 4 WEEKS IN A SAFE HOUSE ISN'T ANYTIME FOR A MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN. THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. WE AS A NATION HAVE TO FIX THAT PROBLEM BY STARTING WITH OUR COMMUNITY. DON'T LEAVE THIS PROBLEM TO THE GOVERNMENT, THAT TAKES TOO LONG. WE NEED TO HELP TODAY-SO THE FUTURE OF THE CHILDREN AREN'T REPEATING THIS CYCLE. GOD HAS SUCH GRACE, BUT SOMETIMES WE DON'T SEE HIS WORKS UNTIL THERE DONE.
THE WOMEN ARE SO CONFUSED DURING THIS TIME, WE JUST NEED TO UNDERSTAND AND HELP THEM. A PLACE TO LIVE WHILE THEY DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN, IS BEST. DIVORCE IN THIS SITUATION, MAYBE WHAT IS NEEDED. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THOSE CLOSED DOORS OF OUR NEIGHBORS. WE JUST NEED TO PRAY. IF WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. WE PRAY.
BLESS YOU

[borntwice-2009]

We do what we can do. Some can only point and suggest, while others can lead and make changes. The heart of stone that needs changing is the heart of the abusive spouse. We need to get to the root of the problem, not just put a band aid on it. The family unit can still work, after the new heart. The only way to change anything is to say yes. If you say no, everything will stay the same. How do you get to the abusive spouse and change him or her?

[c19753]

Tonight%u2019s segment was extremely informative on the topic of placing women in care after an abusive situations. Just a few weeks in a safe house is not enough time for healing or saving money! We could never understand the emotional strain on these women especially when children are involved.As Christians, the doors should be open for them to come to our churches for comfort. But where are the doors and when do they shut? We should help anyone in need for any amount of time. Not just tell them life is renewed when they don%u2019t know a new life yet. (This is a comment for the person who said all things are new in Christ..which they are). Please, in a situation like that-verses are good. But there has to be action taken right away. They need understanding and compassion. Preaching can come later. Help is what they need and that is shown through your works. Unless you%u2019ve been in a situation like this, you can%u2019t preach. You don%u2019t know.Regardless of what a battered woman believes, we should help them. As for your comment,I realize you meant well..helping with these issues mean you need to go to your church and ask to see what you can do for these babies and their mothers.But are the churches going to shut them out after 4 weeks? Where will they see God then? Do some changing of minds yourself..help make more time for these womens living condiction.Be proactive in these peoples lives. Don't just say this is the way..help them find the way.
God Bless.

[borntwice-2009]

Wouldn't Christian intervention work?

Ezekiel 11:19 "And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart."

This new life can only be the work of the Holy Spirit. It is God's work, but we must recognize and turn from our sin. When we do God will give us new motives, new guidelines, and new purpose.

No matter how impure your life is right now, God offers you a fresh start. You can have your sins washed away, receive a new heart for God, and have his spirit within you---if you accept God's promise. Why try to patch up your old life when you can have a new one?

[sunshine_2]

dirck99
I agree America needs more "victim sensitive laws" that are more effective on incarcerating Abusers, regardless of ***.
Shelters and the Government should consider a "Foster Home" approach to Shelter the Victems in Residential Homes:
Receptive "Foster Housing Providers in the Residetial Community" to haouse adn suppor the Victims until they are on their feet .... supplemnt the "Foster Home of Abuse Victims" with a monthly monitary allowance. This would safe a ton of money on "not Staffing adn Not building or maintaing "additional facilities" and would "hide the victims" in residential areas and not in group homes... that can be discovered adn stalked by the Abusers.

[mjb29853]

O.J. Simpson trying to profit from his 1995 acquittal outrages me. What outrages me just as much is the fact that Mary Lowry didn't mention anything about the men who are being abused -- and killed -- by their girlfriends and wives for no reason. Just last week in Peoria, IL a jealous woman killed her ex-husband by running him over with her car. Violence against men perpetrated by women is an epidemic that keeps on rising in this nation. The fact and the matter is that activist judges, the media outlets, the law enforcement officers and the Domestic Violence Shelters keep blatantly turning a blind eye on this problem of woman who batter their husbands/boyfriends. This has happened to 835,000 men annually. The problem of violence against men by women have gone up almost two times at least since 1996. A former CBS reporter, Paula Zahn, even highlighted the problem during the summer. There are a lot of men out there who have been abused by wives/girlfriends and have been intentionally wronged by the court system. Our men serve for this nation's freedom, only to be blatanly denied that same freedom to be free from abuse at the hands of their wives/girlfriends. Nearly all of the women who kill their men for reasons other than self-defense get away with it. Notice what quote says. Why can't the same be applied to men who have survived abuse at the hands of their female intimate partners? Here are two sites to go to:

http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv.htm
http://www.batteredmen.com/

[dirck99]

Instead of lobbying for more money for shelters why don't not lobby for tougher laws to punish domestic abusers?

Of course abused women have rights but they also have an obligation to come forward and testify against whomever has harmed them and their children. If legislation was passed making it easier to put abusers into rehab or as a last resort into prison, domestic abuse would decrease without needing all this money for shelters.