freeSpeech: Lori Leibovich

Mother Speaks About Pressures To Breastfeed

(CBS)  When I was pregnant, I had every intention of breastfeeding; I had looked forward to the bond it would create between me and my child. But once my son was born, I found that breastfeeding caused me excruciating pain. Nothing helped.

So, in order to give my son the benefits of breast milk, I used a breast pump for seven months. Five times a day, 30 minutes each time. Why did I stick with pumping for so long? In a word: guilt.

Every time I thought about quitting, I heard the mantra that had been drilled into my head by books, doctors, nurses, friends and even strangers: breast is best. Even the government is into the guilt game.

I'm not arguing against breastfeeding — there is incontrovertible evidence that it is the best food for babies. The problem I have is that I felt bullied and guilted—into doing it. And no new mom needs that.

It's infuriating that the same government that's telling us that we're risking our children's lives by not breastfeeding also doesn’t provide mandatory paid maternity leave.

All mothers want to do right by their babies, so for those of us who don’t or can’t breastfeed, lay off. Formula isn't perfect, but it's also not poison.

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Lori Leibovich edited the anthology Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth about Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives (Lori Leibovich, HarperCollins, 2006).

Her writing has appeared in many publications, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, and in the anthologies Mothers Who Think and The Real Las Vegas. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and son.

[mjb29853]

I think that breastfeeding is a great thing, but it should NOT be done in public. And if Lori has/had this kind of pain, then why she didn't get checked? And don't get me started on how awful bottle-feeding is. It is actually a good alternative. Bottle feeding is much better than pouring soda in the bottle and feeding the child that.

Oh and about her next-to-last paragraph, that is why we have a decline of well-being in our society. People (men and women) shouldn't get leave just for an adopted person or a newborn. If Congress had a backbone, then they would have abolished the Family and Medical Leave Act as it has greatly harmed businesses, big and small.

[sm02]

It is for the bullying attitude of some of these postings that some moms have difficulty breast feeding. When my son was born, I took a year's leave of absense from work (without pay)just to be able to breast feed. My son had no problems latching on but I was severly engorged for three days with no let down and my son wailed out of hunger. I tried to breast feed at EVERY opportunity I could, but since there was nothing coming out, he stopped trying. I had to go in for a minor surgery after seven days of giving birth. I pumped while I was in the waiting room. This was followed by an dose of anti-biotic and my son hated the taste of it and wailed again. I really did not get any real help from any of the professionals except rude bullying.
I continued to pump and try till 3 and a half months. I was successful to an extent. Then I switched to formula.
Much as I regret not being able to breastfeed my son exclusively, I can really say that in most other ways I am a far better mom than many.
I am understanding and don't bully and judge others unnecessarily - for example.
Not for once did Libovich doubt the benefits of breast feeding. She must have done enough research to pump 5 times a day for seven months. And EVERY mother knows that the pain is caused by improper latching.
Believe me I know more about this than you ever will.

[mrsb27]

Lori didn't make any sacrifices?? She didn't? Um...didn't she BF for as long as she did and THEN continue to pump for another several months?? If that's not sacrifice, I don't know what it is. (From what I understand from those who have been there, pumping for that length of time is NOT easy.)

It's sad how mothers feel they have the right to bash other mothers for certain decisions. Shame on you.

[reutherj]

Did Liebovich really do everything possible? Did she see a lactation consultant? Did she research the issue enough to know that the pain was a result of an improper latch?

Guilt-schmuilt. Motherhood will always be fraught with guilt. But where did the sacrifice go? Liebovich is wrong here, some mothers do need to be guilted into doing the right thing (breastfeeding) because motherhood is not about convenience. If you aren't prepared to make the necessary sacrifices, why get into the game?

Parents needs to start thinking in terms of the health benefits to the mother, the child, and society overall. In our culture of convenience, it's too easy to give up too soon on breastfeeding. Maybe new moms who don't breastfeed feel guilty because they know they didn't really do everything they could. Why else are they so defensive?

Finally, formula may not be poison, but it is a costly "solution".

[mimip5]

Adoptive mothers *can* breastfeed. You don't actually need to give birth to breastfeed. The sucking causes the milk production. I'm not saying it is necessarily easy, but it is quite possible. Heck, even men can breastfeed and produce milk. It is a biological fact, please feel free to research it if you don't believe me.

As to CF, your anecdote seems to be lacking some information. My guess is that part of the reason of that is that you were still a child when your sister was born and information tends to get lost in translation and romanticized over the years. My guess would be that it was digestive enzyme replacement and early diagnosis of CF that helped your sister. Are you aware that 77% of CF centers recommend exclusive breastfeeding or continued breastfeeding with high calorie supplementation? In case you, or anyone else, is interested here is a link to some great info on breastfeeding a baby with CF.

http://www.lalecheleague.org/llleaderweb/LV/LVOctNov02p99.html

I am very happy to hear that your sister is healthy! Oh, btw, women with CF can usually breastfeed their own children.

[sandpailaura]

Ok, you guys are naming some extreme circumstances. Adoption and cystic fibrosis are cases where a Mom of a new baby should not be feeling any guilt about not breastfeeding. Mother's separated from babies, due to illness, death, or choice really are unable to breastfeed. Formula and bottle feeding, were most likely created for those circumstances not for Mom's who "want their bodies back" to go to the mall. As far as cystic fibrosis is concerned, I would venture a guess that there was a way to breastfeed and supplement that essential enzyme, making your sister even healthier. But let's be honest, CF is fatal and there is no cure yet. Please stop sugarcoating not breastfeeding. When a child is breastfed he/she is healthier than he/she would be without it!

[lanaedawn]

Breast feeding is not always better. I was breast fed but when my little sister came along our mother's breast milk made her sick. A few months after she was born and was not gaining weight and spitting up all the time, the doctor ran some tests and discovered she had cystic fibrosis. One of the ailments of cystic fibrosis is lack of an enzyme needed to digest food. The doctor switched my little sister to formula and she thrived. 15 years later, even with her disease, she is healthier than I or my breast fed brother and most of her peers, those with and those without CF.

[sandpailaura]

For anyone who wants to eliminate the guilt they feel about not breastfeeding when they know it is healthier for their child try this exercise. Substitute cigarette smoking for breastfeeding when you make your argument. Let's face it a baby not exposed to cigarette smoke is most likely healthier than one that is, just the same as a breastfed baby is likely healthier than one that isn't. Smoking cessation is also one of the most challenging things a smoker could do, it is definitely painful in many ways. Breastfeeding is definitely challenging even when it goes well. If I told you as a mother of new baby I quit smoking because I was guilted into it you would have a pretty low opinion of me. If I told you as a mother of a new baby I breastfed because I was guilted into it, now what do you think? I agree that our culture does a lousy job of supporting breastfeeding mothers, but we are kidding ourselves if we think we can get away with using guilt as a reason not to breastfeed.

[cmm1219]

Why do women have breasts if not to breastfeed? It IS an issue about our responsibilities as mothers. Formula is not perfect and should not be used unless the health of the baby is an issue. You take on a RESPONSIBILITY when you have a child. Breastmilk is perfect. I don't believe that women should be shunned for choosing formula. I just believe that it should be commonplace for breasts, not bottles to be feeding the upcoming generation.

[cmm1219]

There should never be pain or discomfort when breastfeeding. If there is an uncofortable or painful feeling it is usually due to poor suckling or improper latch on. Why did this woman not seek the help of her OBGYN to find a lactation specialist. They are usually free with the hospital you give birth at. I'm proud to have been breastfeeding my son SOLELY for his 6 months of life. I will continue as long as he wants as long as our pediatrition okays it. (Not until he's 4...that is jsut weird.) Don't be negative about something you are not educated on!

[jav36-2009]

The debate isn't over if breastfeeding is better- it is over the way you are made to feel if you decide not to (for whatever reason). A new mother should not be made to feel less of a mom or guilty if she chooses (for personal or medical reasons) not to breastfeed. I felt the pressure/guilt with two of my children and actually was going to go to extremes to be able to produce enough milk. I finally realized- it was ok not to continue. I was a much happier mom once I decided all of the Dr.,nurses,& society who were pressuring me- weren't worth it! Being a new mom is stressful enough- you should not have to worry about feeling ashamed or made to feel like you are a bad mom on top of it. A baby will also benefit from a mom who doesn't feel stressed.

[mrsb27]

*CaleraMom*~ Your comment is the typical "I did it so every mom should do it" holier-than-thou attitude. It's a crappy attitude and a crappy approach to helping and/or encouraging other mother's to consider BF'ing or continue. At least those formula ads and commercials aren't judging you for your choice of BF'ing. They are simply trying to sell a product. And, speak for your self, some DO care.

It's ironic that so many BF'ing moms want respect for BF'ing or BF'ing in public (as they should have), yet many of the same moms aren't willing to respect a woman's choice to formula feed.

[caleramom]

I completely disagree with Lori Leibovich. Of course the first few weeks of breast-feeding are painful. Isn't everything? The first time you have *** or run a marathon it usually hurts but most don't give it up so easily.Her rant sounded so whiny--the only person placing guilt on her was herself! I'm bombarded everyday with formula commercials and ads on TV,in Dr's offices, even magazines. And I have to go out of my way to find a private place to nurse in public. The reason we have boobs, Lori, is to nourish our children. So if you can't be bothered (or just prefer to quit)please keep it to yourself because the rest of us really don't care!

[angelsx4]

THANK YOU Lori! I've seen too many mom's also think just because their child is breastfed they will be void of any illnesses or childhood related issues, speech problems, overweight, etc.... and their children will be perfect. Mom's face enough trials as it is, we don't need additional "guilt" put upon us. Your comments were beautiful and I wish I had heard those words when I was going through the trials of having infants.

[nanarufi]

YOU GO GIRL! I WAS A GRANDMA IN FAVOR OF BREAST FEEDING UNTIL I MET UP WITH LA LECHE LEAGUE ACTIVISTS WHO INSISTED MY FIRST GRANDSON NOT BE GIVEN ANYTHING BUT THE BREAST IRREGARDLESS OF HIS NOT THRIVING OR MOMS DISCOMFORT--SIGNED, CUZ MYRNA

[jenndogg23]

And by the way, What about women who are on medications and can't breastfeed(specifically anti-depressives for Post-Partum Depression...Isn't more important that the mother be able to take care of her child at all let alone worry about breastfeeding?)

[jenndogg23]

SlackerInc1...Sadly women who choose to smoke,take drugs or smoke during their pregnancy are making a personal choice as well. It's a very selfish choice. However, you can only educate someone about the effects of smoking/drinking/drugs. You cannot physically control them.
I hate to tell you, but before formula was even invented,women were making their own with evaporated milk and k. syrup...so, it must not be too bad!
Maybe people should be more concerned about those women who have abortions or maybe people should be more concerned with kids eating so much fast food and drinking so much soda as they are with formula feeding. There is a childhood obesity epidemic in this country and childhood diabetes is at an all time high.
People have nothing better to do than to judge others.You don't see me putting down people who breastfeed just because I chose to formula feed. So why should I be judged?

[amyost]

As a currently lactating woman, I agree with Lori on most of her points. I breastfed my son for just over a year and currently plan on breastfeeding my daughter for the same amount of time. When I look back at when my son was born (2002), the pressure to breastfeed was enormous and I was all for it, I read the literature but somehow I also viewed formula as poisonous and put so much pressure on myself to produce enough milk everyday while working. I was a completely neurotic first time mom and breastfeeding was a huge contributor of my neurosis. I'm now a stay-at-home mom so I'm lucky that I don't have to pump as much but I also know that formula ISN'T poisonous and I understand that breastfeeding is not for everyone. I certainly don%u2019t regret breastfeeding but I just wish I would have given my son formula at least once so I would know that he would be okay if for some reason I couldn%u2019t breastfeed.

[mlharris103]

Isn't it enough that the government works to support experts in child development and their research so that we might have the best possible knowledge to apply to our jobs as parents? It is discouraging to see another negative attitude toward breastfeeding so prominently displayed by the media. Breastfeeding has enough obstacles without someone berating the people who only have our child's well-being in mind.
I breast fed my son for 1 year while working full-time while my husband was Iraq serving with the Marines. I gave birth alone and started nursing alone though it was extremely painful in the beginning for me as well. As I continued I noticed the obvious benefits however I now know that the bond forged through my efforts with him helped us both beyond any obvious nutritional or imunological gains.
There are plenty of women who physiologically cannot nurse and I do feel for them. But for those that have doubts for selfish reasons, if I can do it so can you.

[susieq1001]

I am not a mother, so all I can say is this: I was not breastfed. I have a great relationship with my mother. I am a highly successful adult and a productive member of society. I am physically and mentally healthy. I have a great marriage.

It's not all about breastfeeding! That's just the start of the long job of raising and nurturing a child. Lori Leibovich has it right.