Coping With Pet Loss

Where Pet Owners Can Go For Help During The Grieving Process

(WebMD)  Am I Normal?

Sife heads the Brooklyn, N.Y.-based Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. Its Web site features a chat room staffed by moderators Sife has trained in grief counseling. "They come out with a lot of insight, and relief that there's nothing wrong with them," Sife says about chat room participants. "They realize they’re not alone in their grief."

The Internet has also promoted shared rituals and even mythologies meant to console grieving pet owners. For the Monday Night Candle Ceremony – which was born online but occurs offline – pet owners light candles to memorialize their pets at a set time every Monday. And in a slightly more elaborate version of a story parents might use to console their children, many sites present the story of a "Rainbow Bridge," which deceased pets cross on their way to a worry-free pet heaven.

While mourning for a pet is normal, not everyone experiences it in the same way, Pomerance says. Lonely people can become especially attached. And grief can be cumulative, she notes; if you have suffered other traumas recently, losing a pet can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Deep mourning for a pet for more than a few weeks may indicate there are bigger issues affecting the mourner’s psyche than just the loss of a pet, Sife says. When Sife's pet bereavement counselors come across such a case, they refer the person to a psychotherapist, who has a much wider range of training.

What to Do?

The process of coping with grief may begin before the pet dies.

Some people prefer to experience a pet’s death at home with friends or relatives rather than in the cold confines of an animal hospital. Many veterinarians will agree to come to your home to perform euthanasia, Pomerance says.

Pomerance owns 16 dogs. When one dies, she combines the euthanasia with a memorial service that includes friends who knew the animal. "It's somber but also a thing of joy and beauty and gratitude," she says. "We thank the animal for its companionship."

While the question of how to grieve is intensely personal, experts generally say it's important to feel free to express your emotions and memories. For example, Sife suggests keeping a log of your thoughts and feelings. And, of course, visit the online chat rooms and message boards and offline support groups and hotlines linked to humane societies around the country.

For those experiencing severe grief, Sife suggests writing a letter to yourself, taking on your pet's persona. "Observe how you are reacting to the loss, and ask yourself if your pet would want you to continue this way. We all know pets would want the best for us, because that’s what love is about."

Children and Pet Death

For children, the loss of a pet may be their first exposure to death. It may be much more affecting than the loss of an aunt or grandparent who they rarely see, Pomerance says. A pet's loss is a key moment for teaching children about the value of life. So give the child space to mourn, says Pomerance, who has written a book specifically designed to help children cope.

You may want to help the child make a scrapbook or journal about the animal, Pomerance suggests. If the child seems puzzled by the concept of death, she says parents can compare the cycle of life and death to the natural cycle of the seasons.

Above all, never try to dismiss the child's loss or to foist another animal on the child too soon. "The main thing is to be empathetic and supportive," says Pomerance.

Sources: Wallace Sife, Ph.D., Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. Diane Pomerance, Ph.D., author, Finding Peace After the Loss of a Loved Animal Companion, — Polaire Publications, 2006. Fuzzy Davis, author, Doggone It: Man's Best Friend Can Fish. Collins Doughtie, The Island Packet, May 15, 2005.