2006 Elections: Rove Vs. Rahm

Dotty Lynch Imagines A Live Debate Between The Top Campaign Strategists

(CBS)  Dotty Lynch is CBSNews.com's Political Points columnist. E-mail your questions and comments to Political Points.

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As Washington heads into the dog days, the talking points of the parties fighting for control of the Congress are finally starting to gel. Here’s how a live debate might sound between the two hottest strategists if they got into the ring right now.

If you think this is an exaggeration, take a look at the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and Republican National Committee Web sites.

In one corner there is Karl "the Killer" Rove, free, white and 55, unshackled from Patrick Fitzgerald and policy concerns. In the other corner Rahm "the Ragin'" Emanuel, intense, swarthy and 46.

As the gong sounds, the two men enter the ring:

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Karl the Killer: OK Ballerina, let’s get it on. You know this is a fight between your big tax and spend war wimp candidates and our strong, patriotic guys and gals committed to low taxes, no government and freedom around the globe.

Rahm the Ragin’: Hey Turdblossom, are you kidding? This is all about Bush and Cheney. Your candidates are a bunch of Yes Men (OK Nancy, and Yes Women), rubber stamps and rubber stampettes.

KtheK: Emanuel, get outa town. The Real Democrat Agenda is Cut and Run. When the going gets tough, you wimp.

RtheR: Wimp? We are coming looking for George Bush and Dick Cheney. We’ll turn over every rock to find them and blame them for everything that’s gone wrong. I learned a few tricks in my ten days in the Israeli army. But the way, where did you, and Bush and Cheney serve?

KtheK: OK now that’s the Real Democrat Agenda. Let’s obstruct every attempt our President makes to keep the world safe and change the subject and play the blame game...

RtheR: So, Rubber Stamp Rove, or should I call you Slick Karlie, how much money did you get from Big Oil at that fundraiser this week?

KtheK: Where have you been hiding, behind Nancy Pelosi’s skirts? We are for renewable energy. You driving a hybrid, Alvin Ailey?

RtheR: I will match you hybrid for hybrid. Ever hear of Al Gore?

KtheK: Oh yeah the Brazilian rainforest guy. Here’s an idea. Why don’t you run him for president—of Mexico? Sneak him across the border—the other way.

RtheR: Speaking of the border, how are Attorney General Alberto’s grandparents? Does Lou Dobbs know about them?

KtheK: Typical Democrat strategy. Obstruct and run and play the Lou Dobbs card.

RtheR: Speaking of running, how’s that Social Security privatization plan coming?

KtheK: Speaking of obstructing, you’ll be sorry when you are old and broke. No wonder you didn’t care about the Death Tax. At least we got tax cuts by you... Where’s the Democrat agenda to put money back in people’s pockets.

RtheR: Simple. Stop Bush and Cheney from running up the deficit by defeating their rubber stamps and stampettes.

KtheK: But this is a race for Congress. What would your Democrat candidates do differently?

RtheR: They wouldn’t take orders from Bush and Cheney, that’s what.

KtheK: Yeah they will be too busy falling in lock step behind Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean.? By the way when’s The Plan coming out?

RtheR: In August. Want an autographed copy, Brain Trust?

KtheK: Sure, it’s by the same Democrats who figured out the great ’94 strategy for the Democrat Party, you, Stan Greenberg, Hillary and Bruce Reed, right.

RtheR: Well we don’t have Stephanopoulos this time.

KtheK: Hahaha. Why don’t you just bring that book over to the Mess. You remember the White House Mess. We’ll have some Mexican food and swap stories about that great ’94 election.

RtheR: I think I’ll just send you a dead fish. See you November 8.