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QUESTIONING THE "FACTS"Begin by asking yourself these crucial questions: Do You Really Feel That Worthless? The starting point of self-help is the conviction that we need it. That we are afflicted with an epidemic of low self-regard is widely discussed and widely accepted. Melody Beattie, the author of the mega-seller Codependent No More, wrote, “We all suffer from that vague but penetrating affliction, low self-worth.” Her advice? “Stop torturing ourselves, start raising our view of ourselves, and right now, give ourselves a big emotional and mental hug.” Surely Ms. Beattie uses the inclusive second person “we” out of compassionate solidarity, because if her program works, she must now totally and completely adore herself. My book suggests that most of us don’t really think all that badly of ourselves in the first place, unless, of course, someone keeps nagging us that we should. In fact, most of the problems we think we have stem from too much self-focus rather than too little. I’ve found that the best cure for hypochondria is to take a patient’s mind off his own wellness and direct it to someone else’s. Is Self-Esteem Really the Gold Standard of Mental Health? An extension of the “low self-worth” assumption, enhancing self-esteem has become one of self-help’s greatest and grandest goals. As expressed by Matthew McKay in his book Self-Esteem, “Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival.” McKay offered no proof of any kind to support this statement. Although having a decent opinion of oneself is no doubt important, research shows that high self-esteem relates to health problems and stress. Moreover, mass murderers, gang leaders, and even playground bullies are distinguishable not by their low opinion of themselves (the low opinion that is alleged to lead them to prove their worth through violence) but instead by their inflated self-esteem and disregard for others. Must You Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another? Another of the central assumptions of the self-help movement holds that before having any sort of romantic relationship, you must first learn to love yourself. As Whitney Houston asserted in the song that has become a veritable self-help anthem, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” In his best-seller Love 101: To Love Oneself Is the Beginning of a Lifelong Romance, Peter McWilliams asked, “Who else knows what you want, precisely when you want it, and is always around to supply it?” His answer? “You!” Melody Beattie’s Have a Love Affair with Yourself contains the same message. In her best-seller Letting Go of Stress, self-help guru and personal-power retreat leader Jackie Schwartz gave this advice: “Write a love letter to yourself and tell yourself all the attributes you cherish about yourself, the things that really please, comfort, and excite you.” My book holds that the opposite is true, that loving others makes us more love-worthy and lovable and presents research that demonstrates the importance of loving others first. Is Being Judgmental Bad for You? Graduates of self-help schooling must not only be in perpetual self-enhancement mode, they also must be nonjudgmental. Self-Esteem author Matthew McKay wrote, “You must give up your opinions about the actions of others. Don’t make moral judgments. People are doing the best they can.” As with all self-help premises, there is a kernel of truth about the importance of avoiding snap judgments, but I argue that making moral judgments about others and ourselves is essential to mental and social well-being as well as spiritual and moral growth. Is It Harmful to Feel Guilty or to Worry? In Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer called guilt and worry “useless, unnatural emotions.” He wrote, without a shred of research support, “You can look at your guilt either as reactions to leftover imposed standards in which you are still trying to please an absent authority figure, or as the result of trying to live up to self-imposed standards. In either case, it is stupid, and more important, useless behavior.” I beg to differ. Guilt and worry are natural and necessary evolutionary responses. If our ancestors had not had them, we wouldn’t be here today. Vigilance for what might go wrong and reflection about what did go wrong allowed our ancestors to survive. This book challenges this self-help philosophy and presents evidence that the happiest, healthiest people are, in fact, guilty worriers.So why is it that fallacious ideas have been so widely and willingly accepted? First, I suspect, because academic psychology, with its focus on pathology, has not been much help to people meeting the challenges of everyday life. Moreover, these days, Freud’s goal of “normal neurosis” doesn’t appeal to us. We want to be free of neurosis.From the book, "The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need: Repress Your Anger, Think Negatively, Be a Good Blamer & Throttle Your Inner Child" by Paul Pearsall; Copyright (c) 2005. Reprinted by arrangement with Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group. All rights reserved.