Good To Do Bad?

(CBS)  The following is a weekly 60 Minutes Wednesday commentary by columnist Steve Hartman.

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Thanks to prison, Martha Stewart gets a primetime TV show, a book deal (I'm sure), and her company stock price has doubled.

It's another great American success story. What is it with this phenomenon?

Paris Hilton has sex on tape and gets a TV show. Rapper 50 Cent has been shot nine times and gets more popular with each passing bullet. And Jose Canseco cheats at baseball, and chats with Correspondent Mike Wallace.

Unfortunately, my life is about as scandalous as a Chiclet. That's why I don't have a book deal, and Mike Wallace won't even talk to me in the elevator.

I've been wondering if my career would be better off if I could get some good, decent, negative press.

For help, I went to see Sgt. Ed Boulanger at my local police station.

Hartman: Should my hair look messy – like standing up?

Boulanger: That's all right. It looks like I just brought you in here.

Hartman: It's gotta look real.

Boulanger: Only thing you can do is close your eyes.

We went with the drunk look.

Boulanger: Halfway bring 'em down a little bit …

And although I'm obviously no Nick Nolte, I took a pretty convincing mug shot.

Hartman: Yeah, that's good.

How could the tabloids resist? Celebrity "A" list, here I come.

I took the shot to Kelli Delaney, creative director at Star Magazine.

"You know, it has some of the elements we're looking for," says Delaney. "You look pretty wasted."

Unfortunately, Delaney says her tabloid only prints the truth, that if I wanted a shattered reputation, I'd have to earn it.

Delaney: I think my best advice to you would be to start small. Things like Martha reportedly struck her makeup artist with a brush. Strike the makeup artist with the brush.

Hartman: Strike the make-up artist with the brush?

Delaney: Yes.

It's funny. Our country is supposedly so concerned with moral values, but it's often the scoundrels we value most.

Still, I couldn't go through with it. If success means beating up someone's grandma with a powder brush, I'll take anonymity, thank you.

And hopefully someday, you won't have to be bad to be big -- but until then, the only place you'll see my mug is right here.